Rollin'
by D-Tepes
Summary: A Badfic of the Baddest Type. Crossovers included. What fics should not be... Guys on a road trip.
1. Prelude

Story Codes:  
  
BF AC DA ES GH IP DJM KIiM LY&LB NAWTABB OST QoUAS RfAWWGF VMWDTAV XB YAAFISDBTA ZMI  
  
Translation: Bad Fic, All Couples, Drunken Antics, Extraterrestrial Stripping, Guy Humor, Insane Plot, Destroyed Jock Masculinity, Kindergarten Intelligence in Men, Little Yoda & Little Buddha, Naughty Alex Who Talks About Buffy's Butt, Obsessive Sexual Thoughts, Quartet of Under-Age Strippers, Restricted from Anyone Who Wants Good Fic, Virgin Males Who Deny They Are Virgins, Xenophobes Beware, You All Asked For It So Don't Blame The Author, Zero Male Intelligence  
  
It's that kind of insanity that was the keystone to this story.  
  
This story was originally and posted to the "Roswellian Fanfiction Space", a now somewhat defunct Roswell fanfic message board, between 3/19/01 and 1/31/02. The main part of what made this story so great will not be on ff.net but will be on my site, should I ever make one. The main part was the feedback, as I conversed with my readers. A cult was even started over this fic, the Church Of The Chocolate PMS'ing Smurf. I was the high priest. Those times did come to an end, but in an effort to at least let a portion of my insanity show through, I present you now with "Rollin'". However, the ending will be a little different from what was originally posted, due to the fact an attempted sequel completely bombed. I'll alter this to give it full closure.  
  
So, for anyone who wants to read this hopelessly badfic crossover, please enjoy.  
  
Much love to all,  
  
Drake aka D Tepes aka Drake Tepes aka The Author  
  
Those were the Author's Notes that had their own page before ff.net stopped allowing that. So, there.  
  
Title – Rollin' a.k.a. The Amazingly Pointless Fic  
  
Name – Drake (No one else would take responsibility)  
  
Rating – I'll just say PG-13 through R, not good at ratings. But it's a demented author and teenage guys, so don't read it if you are afraid (and you should be). Should warn you, lots of talk of "slash". None in the story, but lots of talk of it. )  
  
Summary – This is Pornless PWP, No porn and no plot. What is it? An author who is insane and sending the kids on a demented road trip kind of not really though.  
  
Category – CC really.  
  
Spoilers – This is all before the Vegas ep.  
  
Disclaimer – I don't own them, if I did I'd be doing things that are prohibited from being mentioned on this board with the female cast and I'd rent the male cast out to anyone here who wanted them.   
  
Author's Note – This is foof. Special foof, magically everyone is coupled with who they should be and all is right in the world. How is this possible? Because this is foof and I'm writing it, so, what I say goes for this fic! HAHAHA, bring on the strippers! Um, anyway... This is being written to get rid of a thought that has been stuck in my head for awhile which, sadly, does involve stripping. That's all I'm saying, other than I seriously need to up my visits to my therapist because of this fic.  
  
This story is kind of mentally based on a BtVS fic I read where they all went on a rather insane road trip, that actually passed through Roswell. You know, I think it's only fair to return the favor somewhere along the way.  
  
I must point this out, I make lots, and I mean lots, of shots and slash. I really don't have a problem with this genre, it's just an easy one to poke fun at. Don't take my joking about it to mean anything at all.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Prelude:  
  
Setting: Michael's apartment, a card table it set up and the guys are sitting around playing poker.  
  
Kyle: I'm in for 5. So, anyone know what we're going to be doing in this fic?  
  
Max: I see your 5 and raise you five. I don't know, but we're the primary characters, apparently the girls don't appear at all, or very little.  
  
Michael: I see and raise 10 more. God, it's not going to be a slash fic is it? I can't stand another of those. Especially since I'm always paired with Max, no offense, that's close to incest too.  
  
Alex: I call. It's not slash, it's going on the Roswellian board, so it has to be under those guidelines, might even get something foofy. I even heard a rumor of a Buffy crossover.  
  
Kyle: I got three 6's. Oh, I could go for a Buffy crossover. Fighting vampires and doing high kicks in mini-skirts, yeah, I could definitely go for that.  
  
Max: Three kings and two queens. Don't let Tess hear that, or let Liz hear me agree. Maybe we could get an Angel crossover too and see that Cordelia.  
  
Michael: Five aces, unbeatable. I won't agree, if I did somehow Maria would find out and there would be an entire fic devoted to my torture. Besides, you're totally forgetting Drusilla, Willow and Tara. Much eye candy abound.  
  
Alex: I'm out, next time no using your powers Michael, should have made that a rule this game. Well, since no one else is showing any courage about this, I will feel I must say a Stone Cold "Hell Yeah" to seeing all of them. And maybe Darla too, gotta love the whole Topolsky crossover idea issues. Besides, I saw her in that movie "Darkdrive" and I tell you…  
  
Author Voice Over: ATTENTION CHARACTERS:  
  
Alex: Nevermind, author in the house.  
  
Author Voice Over: OKAY, HERE IS THE FIC OUTLINE FOR YOU. YOU WILL BE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP AND HAVE MISADVENTURES. YOU WILL MEET BUFFY, NO ANGEL, AND YOU WILL ALSO BE FORCED TO HUMILIATE YOURSELF IN NEVADA, I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE THE STORY OUTLINE AT MY WHIM. IF YOU OBJECT TO ANY ALTERATIONS, I WILL BE FORCED TO MAKE YOU DANCE IN A PINK TUTU IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL AND YOUR SEAT RIP OUT. AM I UNDERSTOOD?  
  
All: Sir, yes sir!  
  
Author Voice Over: SMARTASSES. GET IN POSITION.  
  
Michael: Man, this is going to suck.  
  
Kyle: We're going to end up getting MiSTed aren't we?  
  
Alex: Wouldn't be the first time.  
  
Max: Won't be the last. 


	2. Part 01: The Set Up

Part 1: The Set Up (guest appearance by author's plot devices)  
There was a teacher's strike in Roswell. A rather big one in fact, school would not be in session for at least three weeks, much to the delight of the students and the fear of the parents. This is where our zer... sorry, our hero, comes up with his idea.  
  
"Let's have a road trip, just us guys. Leave the worries and the girlfriends behind and have some fun while school's out. Come on, what do you guys think?" Kyle Valenti, the ringleader, organizer and main person to catch blame for the events about to unfold said to the group of whip... sorry again, to the group of happily attached men who were his friends.  
  
Around the table his group of friends each reacted in their own unique ways. Max Evans raised and eyebrow, reminiscent of Spock (it explains the ears), as if to say to Kyle "Are you insane?". Alex Whitman's reaction was that of shaking his head, which translated into "I know you're insane.". And Michael Guerin's response was a glare that, well, we aren't sure what it said and we're rather afraid to ask.  
  
Needless to say, they were hesitant. That is until a thought struck them all at the same moment (a.k.a. convenient author ploy to make things go how he wants) that all of their girlfriends hung out together. Women who hung out together tended to get in sync with certain... bodily things they don't want to think of. The one thought they did have was that it lasted at least three days, and that's if they're lucky, and that it was coming upon them soon. Also, that they were out of school and would all fall victim to it. So, for their sake (and the sake of the story) they finally changed their expressions to those of ones willing to go with Kyle. Guys speak in body language too much, they're too odd.  
  
So, the tale is set in motion thanks to Kyle's plan, the in sync PMS fairy and the author making everything come together to fit his demented idea for a story. Pray for them, they'll need it. 


	3. Part 02: Convincing The Parents

Part 2: Convincing The Parents (And Escaping The Girlfriends)  
  
So, four underage males want to go on a road trip. Let us all think logically. Underage. Male. Testosterone. Urges. Proximity to Nevada and legal prostitution. Logic would say that no parents would allow their sons to go out on such a trip.  
  
Did I forget to mention logic has no place in this story?  
  
Michael was free, so of course he had no trouble. He just packed up some Metallica shirts and tapes and was ready. Alex, who claims to have parents but who are not confirmed to exist, easily got permission too. So we believe, there is the off chance he hacked them into little pieces and is living alone... but that's doubtful. He packed up his tidy whities and pictures of Isabel and was gone.  
  
Two out of four, not bad. Max didn't have much trouble as it seems his parents are rather guila... erm, loving and trusting. They have faith in their boy to be a good man and not do anything wrong (a.k.a. they are delusional). Finally, it came down to Kyle whose idea it all was. All he had to do was say that Tess could stay with Isabel and that his dad would have the place all to himself... and he could spend quite time with Amy. Jim helped his son pack.  
  
They then had the more difficult task of getting away from their soon to be even more irrational than usual (blame the author for the comment, not the story) girlfriends. Being the big brave men that they are, they did the big brave manly thing you should do in such situations... they left their girlfriends each a note and snuck off in the middle of the night.  
  
The brave part is that they actually planned to return to Roswell, dumb huh? 


	4. Interlude 01

Interlude 1:  
  
Setting: Cheap motel room somewhere in New Mexico.  
  
Michael: I should have known, there are two beds and four of us. It's going to be a slash fic for sure.  
Max: Calm down, it's not going to be slash. The rules are against it. Really, you're getting even more paranoid.  
Kyle: It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.  
Alex: You're not helping any.  
Kyle: Wasn't trying.  
Alex: Well, I'd try if I were you. Considering what all I've found out about our author for the day.  
Michael: What'd you find out?  
Alex: Well, I was checking the Roswellian Fanfiction Space and found comments from our author, apparently he's going to be having us strip.  
Kyle, Max and Michael: STRIP?  
Alex: Yes, strip. And what's more, I checked out his computer. Gotta love transdimensional plothole laptop computers. It seems he has written adult fanfic before, but no Roswell. But it was so disturbing I won't subject you to knowledge of what it was.  
Michael: Nothing can be as bad as what I've been through in slash fics.  
Alex: Don't bet on it, I think I'd rather live through a slash fic with all of you than ever read that again.  
Group Shudders At Thought Of Something That Bad  
Alex: Moving on, I checked out his hard drive thoroughly. This guy is looney, he has about twenty unfinished Buffy fanfics started, most with good plots. He also has a rough outline for another Roswell story, a crossover with Stargate SG-1, Indiana Jones and 7 Days in the same fic with us. Also some separate ones with just 7 Days and us and Stargate and us. Also mentions a Mothman.  
Michael: At least he isn't throwing X-Files in too.  
Max: What's wrong with the X-Files crossover stories? Some are cool.  
Kyle: Yeah, besides, Scully is a total babe.  
Michael: Kyle, you have women on the mind a little too much. Anyway, it's not that I don't like them it's just that it seems everyone is writing them, plus, isn't X-Files mentioned in our core universe? It's going outside of realism.  
Alex: Oh, yeah, a fanfic about teenage aliens has to be realistic. Let's see, oh, the most disturbing things I found on his hard drive were his picture and mp3 collections.  
Michael: No pictures of me I hope, Courtney was enough of a stalker.  
Kyle: Quit bringing that up, dude you know you loved it. Now shut up so we can see if we're going to survive or not.  
Max: Maybe Maria should find out how much you talk about Courtney…  
Michael: I'm quiet.  
Alex: Thank you, as I was saying. The pictures aren't bad, mostly celebrity. Lots of WB, no hardcore pics at all which is odd considering he's, well, a guy. But he has them all in order and such in a way that is just not right. And, seriously, who needs a over 400 pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar.  
Group Raises Hands  
Alex: Bite me. The music though, that scared me almost as much as the story.  
Max: Don't tell me it was all Ricky Martin and teeny bopper music.  
Kyle: Don't tell me it was country music lacking.  
Michael: Don't tell me it was lacking Metallica.  
Alex: Worse, he has all of them and in the same playlist. I'm sorry, but Metallica, Stabbing Westward, Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park DO NOT belong on the same playlist as the Dixie Chicks, the Eagles, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, and. LeAnn Rimes. That's just… WRONG.  
Group Shudders  
Michael: That's an insult to Metallica!  
Kyle: Forget Metallica, what about the poor Dixie Chicks?  
Max: I'm getting a headache just thinking of what that would sound like.  
Alex: Exactly, so, I think we are for the most part safe from our author doing anything slashy, but other than that I think we're in danger of disturbing mental images happening. I mean, our author is a psychopath!  
Author Voice Over: DID I FORGET TO TELL YOU ALL THAT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ALL DO AND SAY AT ANY GIVEN TIME DURING THE DOWN TIME OF THE FIC?  
Group: Oh $#!&!!!!  
Author Voice Over: YOU SAID IT. GET READY, EVIL AUTHOR TIME.  
Group: We're dead. 


	5. Part 03: Limp Bizkits And Red Eye Gravy

Part 3: Limp Bizkits and Red-Eye Gravy.  
  
"Who's in, now who's out  
Hands up, now hands down  
Back up, back up  
Tell me what you gonna do now  
Breathe in, now breathe out  
Hands up, now hands down  
Back up, back up  
Tell me what you gonna do now  
Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' (what?)  
Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' (c'mon)  
Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' (yeah)  
Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'"  
  
"That is enough!" Max said before flipping off the radio, after that he just went ahead and changed stations since it's doubtful only raising a finger would stop the music. The group were on the road for the second day and were like all men who go on a trip, hopelessly lost. Max was taking his turn at driving and in shotgun was Michael who insisted on listening to a hard rock station that was meant to turn your brains into a nice goo that the aliens of the brain sucking variety found most tasty.  
  
Nice visual, this is my (the story) gift to you.  
  
They were in a nice SUV they got from the Sheriff, who was really wanting his son gone so he could spend quality time with Amy DeLuca. The humans were in the back asleep with their heads on each other's shoulders. Max really wished he'd had a camera, as that image would be worth a good deal when they got back. His thoughts were disrupted when something bad started happening.  
  
The author decided it was time to start being evil… Er, sorry. I mean the SUV starting making a coughing and sputtering noise that can only be done with sound, since this is text just imagine a bad car noise.  
  
Max was starting to get worried and was looking for a place to pull over when he saw a sign saying that the nearest town was only two miles away, Deciding to try and get the car there instead of walking he drove carefully there. Unfortunately the noise the car was making woke up the humans in the back (yet Limp Bizkit blasting didn't, sheesh, men). With everyone awake they slowly got the car into town, once in town   
  
A small known universal constant is that in small towns, the garage and gas stations have to be run by men named "Bubba" and had a southern accent, no matter where they were. This town was no exception. Having been told by "Bubba" that he'd "give 'er a look o'er and see whut Ikin do fer 'er" the four lost and scared teenagers decided to explore the town.  
  
The town wasn't even a one horse town, it seemed some kids tried to ride the one horse they did have and it ran away. It had a group of houses, a main street that looked like an alley and stores that looked appropriate to a ghost town. Upon examination they found they were in Nevada, and after having hit Kyle repeatedly for his jokes on legal prostitution they found that the highlight of the town was a strip club, which Kyle and Alex were all for until the moment they realized it was a club that catered to women's taste.  
  
Pardon me a moment, this is the story here. I just want to apologize for all of this, really, it's all the author's fault. And for what is about to come, I'm even more sorry.  
  
Returning to "Bubba" they learned the bad news, the SUV could be fixed but it would take around five hundred dollars. More than the guys had. And they didn't want to call home for money. Gee, think the author has *anything* to do with this? Yeah, same here.  
  
"Well boys, if'n yer in need'a'money den ya kin always take a shift at Ms. McMahon's 'Flappin' 'N 'Da Breeze' strip club. Why, when I wud yer age I could make a good five hundred a night." Bubba said, as he patted his large beer belly and greasy t-shirt.  
  
The boys, hiding their cringes just nodded and began the solemn walk toward the strip club. They felt like inmates walking to their doom. They knew something was wrong, they felt manipulated and there was nothing they could do about it.  
  
"Well Alex, think you can teach us how to strip for tonight?" Kyle asked, he was actually liking the idea. He was pretty sure that this would be fun, though he'd never admit it. Plus, Tess would love the story when he got back.  
  
"No, best advice, make sure there isn't a mother there. Other than that, beats me." Alex still had nightmares about being caught almost with his pants down. A minute more and he'd have been in a thong with a big blush.  
  
"At least there is no one in town who knows us, we're just passing through. And Max here will doctor our ID's so we can do it. And if anyone tells Maria I did this, I will personally kill you. So, let's prepare ourselves for the audition. Max, you have to teach me how to shake your man boobs." Michael purposely stepped behind Alex to avoid anything Max could do.  
  
"This never happened, we aren't here now, we won't be here later and this never happened. Anyone says different I swear I will make you a mime in a green box." Max knew already something bad was going to happen.  
  
The author laughed. Duh. 


	6. Interlude 02

Note before the Interlude. See, all the previous has been written before slash was allowed on the board this was originally written and posted on. Now, we view what happens to these guys when they find out that it's allowed now.  
  
Interlude 2:  
  
Setting: Strip club break room before Part Four.  
  
Max: I think we've lost Michael for good.  
Alex: I know, this is scary, he's been curled in a ball saying the same things over and over again since he found out.  
Kyle: Who knew he'd take the fact that Roswellian Fanfiction Space is accepting slash so badly.  
Michael Murmuring Softly: I want my Maria, I want my Maria, I want my Maria, I want my Maria, I want my Maria…  
Max Reaches Over And Shakes Michael To Try And Snap Him Out Of It.  
Michael: DON'T STICK THAT PROBE THERE DADDY.  
Max, Alex and Kyle share a look and say: He's been watching "Can't Hardly Wait" hasn't he?  
Kyle: So, you think the author is going to rewrite in slash? I don't have much of a problem as long as it's well written and not smut. I love my Tess but let's face it, we're at the author's mercy here.  
Max: I really don't know, Alex is our expert. But I'm doubting we'll be slashed.  
Alex: I'd bet on us being safe. But I think Michael's over the bend.  
Author Voice Over: DO NOT FRET MY PUPPETS, THERE SHALL BE NO SLASH IN THIS STORY. YOU ARE ALL SAFE IN MY LAND.  
Michael: Thankyou,thankyou,thankyou,thankyou,thankyou…  
Alex Whispers To Kyle And Max: When did our author become so dramatic?  
Author Voice Over: I JUST FELT LIKE IT, SO, ASSUME THE POSITION.  
Michael: NOOOOOOO, NO NO NO.  
Author Voice Over: NOT LIKE THAT, METHINKS HE DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.  
Kyle: You know, I think the author may be right. I thought I saw Michael checking out my butt earlier.  
Max: This is going to be a long story, even if it's short.  
Alex: If anyone is reading this, please ask the author to stop. For our sakes, please?  
Michael: You all love me, remember? Ask him to stop now.  
Max: I'm the best built, women drool over me, please make him stop.  
Kyle: I'm the Woozle! Stop him in the name of the Woozle! 


	7. Part 04a Change Your Mind Or Your Cloth...

Part 4a: Change Your Mind (Or Your Clothes)  
  
This is the story, I want to again apologize for that the author is doing. Although, I must say the guys do look nice in thongs.  
  
Having altered their ID's the boys entered the "Flappin' 'N Da Breeze" strip club to meet the owner. Ms. McMahon had a striking resemblance to Stephanie McMahon of the WWF, though she didn't seem to overact or to be a spawn of the devil. Smiling sweetly she led the guys to a changing room and told them they could wear some of the thongs in there. (Don't worry, they were all clean and disinfected.)  
  
Behind the curtain as he was changing into a sky blue thong Kyle asked "Whose dumb idea was this road trip again?". Luckily he had just pulled his pants over the thong before the curtain was yanked back and he was faced with three stern glares.  
  
"You did." Was the chorus reply from them. Kyle hid himself behind some costumes and wished he had his protector there. The one who would stand up and save him from them. The one he loved like no other. Oh, how Kyle wished Mr. Squishels was there. If he couldn't make it, maybe Tess. She was next in his heart to Mr. Squishels.  
  
WHOA, hi, story here again. Okay, I know who Mr. Squishels is, but I don't know how he came about. And I'm finding this very disturbing. And you readers, what are you thinking? Don't encourage the author. No good can come of it. I mean, a teenage male wanting "Mr. Squishels" instead of an attractive young lady? That just ain't right. Now back to our story already in progress.  
  
"Well we're having fun? Think about it, surrounded by desperate women who will shove money down our pants while groping us! We should make a few grand no problem." Kyle was always such an idi… sorry, optimist.  
  
"At least this will be a great story to tell the grandkids. The day we all stripped." Alex smiled, he had already been humiliated, as long as Diane Evans wasn't out there he was golden. Now these virgin's to the perils of thongs in the butt, oh, this would be a fun evening.  
  
"If anyone ever tells anyone about this, I will personally rearrange your molecular structure to you are no longer male. Is that understood?" Max was actually trying to lead, that's odd. Maybe he was self-conscious of his massive man boobs being on display for desperate and most likely drunk women.  
  
"You won't hear me say anything. Maria still won't let the wrestling thing drop." Ah, Michael speaks. He'd gotten dressed as had everyone else and now they were all ready to audition. They were about to go strip.  
  
Oh, this is disturbing. 


	8. Interlude 03

Interlude 3: Bonding over thongs, since thongs are bondage.  
  
Setting: Back room of the strip clubs, all of them are wearing thongs (this has nothing to do with what they say, just thought that you'd all like to think about it).  
  
Alex: I can't believe Michael and Kyle are both comatose. We're just going to strip, no big deal. Or is that the problem, they're afraid it won't be…  
Max: That was cruel man. Funny, but cruel. Nah, they'll snap out of it in a minute.  
Kyle And Michael Wake Up Since That Was The Cue, And They Find They Are Holding Onto Each Other  
Kyle and Michael: NOOO.  
Alex: Think these pictures will come out good?  
Max: Oh, I'm sure of it.  
Michael: What did you two do?  
Kyle: Oh man, this is bad.  
Max: We didn't do anything. Yet.  
Alex: Anyway, we have more problems than we did.  
Michael: Now what?  
Alex: We've been posted. And worse yet, they like us. A lot.  
Kyle: WHAT? How could they? Come on, this story sucks! No plot, he just makes up things to happen with no basis in ANY reality. How could they like this?  
Max: They like watching us squirm.  
Michael: Aw man, what'd we ever do to them? I thought they loved us.  
Alex: Oh, they do love us. But see, it seems they don't like how you've treated Maria, or how Kyle was once a stalker or how Future Max screwed things up with Liz.  
Kyle: Hey, blame the writers, not me! And what did you do to get stuck in here with us?  
Alex: I'm an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire.  
Max, Michael & Kyle: Uh huh.  
Alex: I read the latest part up, Kyle, it says you love Mr. Squishel's more than Tess.  
Kyle: No comment.  
Max: I'm not going there.  
Michael And Alex Nod  
Max: I just checked the postings, we were just called morons! I'm good in school, I'm no moron. If I look like one it's all the author's fault.  
Michael: Max, you are a moron. Look what you've done, Mariachi Band, staying out all night with Liz, working for Brody. I could list more, but I won't.  
Max: Like you're better? Mr. Wrestlermania? Mr. Break-up-with-your-girlfriend-every-other-week?  
Alex: Come on guys, don't fight here.  
Michael: Alex, men in glass cop uniforms who strip shouldn't get involved!  
Kyle: Hey, I didn't do anything to be a moron! I'm the Woozle! What could I have possibly done?  
Alex, Michael & Kyle In Unison: FIRST SEASON  
Kyle: Oh yeah…  
Author Voice Over: CHILDREN CHILDREN, DON'T FIGHT. BESIDES, YOU NEED TO BE READY TO STRIP FOR THE OWNER. AND THEN LATER FOR AN AUDIENCE. DON'T YOU LOVE ME?  
Group: NO!  
Author Voice Over: THAT'S RUDE. 9 OUT OF THE 10 VOICE IN MY HEAD LOVE ME. THE OTHER IS GAGGED AND BOUND IN A CLOSET, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.  
Group Looks Around Frightened  
Author Voice Over: WELL GET READY, YOU'LL BE STRIPPING SOON. IN FACT, HERE'S SOME MUSIC WHILE YOU WAIT. BYE.  
Michael: Well, it could be worse.  
Max, Alex & Kyle Scream: DON'T SAY THAT, you just jinxed us.  
Music Plays And Voices Are Heard Going: "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…" For infinity.  
Kyle Punches Michael  
Kyle: You just got us SMURFED!  
Max Cries: Make it stop! Just make it stop.  
Alex Hums Along And Gets Odd Looks  
Alex: Hey, I liked this show.  
Michael Cringes In Pain  
Michael: You are one sick puppy Alex. 


	9. Part 04b: Thong th thong thong thong

Part 4b: Thong-th-thong-thong-thong.  
  
Slight warning from story here. If you don't want to see the characters from Roswell wearing very little and shaking what they have then don't read this. But considering most of you on this board are women, and have somewhat frightening obsessions with these guys, I doubt that will be a problem. Just don't drool on your keyboards.  
  
Four nervous teenage guys stood in front of the owner of the fine strip club they were hoping to perform in. She was a kindly woman, though her resemblance to the WWF bit… er, Head Female did detract from her. Sitting at a table with a Pepsi* in her hand, she watched the stage and motioned for the music to start.  
  
(*Pepsi is not affiliated with this fanfic in any way, any resemblance to any carbonated cans are purely intentional in the hopes this fic may be sponsored by Pepsi and the author could get free drinks. Mixed with milk too. Milk and Pepsi, it does a body good into the next generation, you got the right one mooooby.)  
  
The speakers came to life, after a few bullets they died and stopped trying to take over the world. They were then rewired and music began to play from their now bullet ridden tweeters. With Sisqo's "Thong Song" blaring, the guys began lumbering from side to side doing the classic "Untrained Male Shuffle" where the weight is rocked back and fourth.  
  
"Come on guys, this isn't a high school dance where you're working up the nerve to ask a girl to dance. Start shaking it and show some skin." These guys were clearly untrained, but Ms. McMahon knew that the regulars to her club would like to see some "fresh meat". Smiling at her pun she watched as the guys started wiggling more and shuffling.  
  
Suddenly the tall dark haired man shook off his inhibitions and stepped forward and began moving to the music. Ripping his clothes off and gyrating in a way that, though certainly not a professional showed he had some previous experience. Quickly stripping down he showed himself quite adept at shaking his butt around, as well as spanking himself. He'd be a big hit with the ladies, and he hid a rather nice body under his clothes.  
  
His friends on stage, seeing him blatantly flaunting himself began to strip also. Though slower, they each availed themselves and quickly all were dancing around on stage in their thongs. Red for the talk dark haired man, green for the dark haired boy with big ears, a dark purple for the odd haired one and for the last one, he was stuck with the bright pink thong. Clearly raw and untrained, but with assets to make up for it, Ms. McMahon decided she'd hire them for the night. And pay off their bill for the car repair, they would probably want to get out of the town as soon as they could.  
  
"Okay boys, you have the job. Go on and get dressed. So, do you have any ideas for your gimmick tonight?" The guys suddenly looked around, having not expected to get hired or to figure out about any gimmicks.  
  
Thinking fast for a jock, Kyle quickly spoke up. "We're the spacemen. I saw some silver jumpsuits back there with helmets, could we use them?" Avoiding the glares he was getting from his friend Kyle kept his eyes on Ms. McMahon.  
  
"Sure sweetie, you can use them. They haven't been used for a few months. Pick out some music for tonight and be here at 9 and ready to get naked. See you then hons." Ms. McMahon knew tonight was going to be quite interesting.  
  
Somewhere there were birds singing.  
  
Somewhere crowds were gay.  
  
And in the town of Roswell, four girls were on their way.  
  
In front of his computer, the Mighty Author sat and smiled. There would be much fun in that town tonight. Oh there shall be such a sight. 


	10. Interlude 04

Interlude 4  
  
Setting: Unknown, the author didn't really put them anywhere this time.  
  
Michael: All in favor of killing this author say "Aye".  
Group: Aye!  
Michael: Good.  
Kyle: Hey! I have a great idea on how we can get the story stopped.  
Alex: Really? Hell, whatever it is I'm in.  
Max: Same here.  
Michael: Don't even have to ask.  
Kyle: Okay, Max and Michael, stand up both of you.  
Both Guys Stand Up.  
Kyle: Okay, Michael drop your pants and bend over, Max, you drop trou too.  
Michael Begins To Undo His Belt Before He Realizes What's Going On.  
Michael: NOT THAT.  
Max: HELL NO.  
Alex: *laughing* You were going to do it for a second there! Michael, I always thought you protested too much to the slash.  
Kyle: Come on, think about it. We go NC-17, especially with the slash and we get kicked off the board. It's the perfect idea.  
Max: You have a point, but no.  
Michael: I WON'T DO IT, we'll find some other way to save our asses.  
Kyle: You could save it if you'd just do as I said and try to relax.  
Alex: Besides, you protest far too much Michael. I know you have some slashy interests, I mean look at how fast you jumped into those tights and were ready o grapple with Mr. Muscles, sure you said it was for Maria. Maybe that mud was just what you wish you and Mr. Muscles were wrestling in. Wrestlers tend to be like that.  
Kyle & Max: HEY.  
Alex: What?  
Kyle: Did you forget I was on the wrestling team?  
Max: And me too?  
Michael: Man, Alex, you are just wanting me to kill you aren't you?  
Alex: *gulp* Um, just a joke guys. You know, some humor. Right? Right guys? I was just kidding. Don't hurt me.  
Max: Hold on, we need to work together. This isn't Alex's fault, remember who our real enemy is. The Author.  
Kyle: And don't forget the horny women on the board who are encouraging him. I mean, I know I'm hot and I can't blame them for wanting to see my hot bod, but really this is going too far.  
Michael: Kyle, how do you get shirts on over that inflated head of yours?  
Kyle: I get it to deflate first?  
Alex: I am not going there.  
Max: I'm spending too much time around you guys, I'm being corrupted I mean, I am a King.  
Alex & Kyle Begin Singing: "The jester sang for the king and queen in a coat he borrowed from James Dean and a voice that came from you and me… Oh and while the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown, the court room was adjourned, no verdict was returned…"  
Michael: Okay, that was random. Oh, would someone mind telling me why there is a dog humping my leg?  
Alex: Oh, the author saw "Get Over It", starring the actor who plays me, yesterday. So he decided to give us the dog to keep us company.  
Kyle: He couldn't have given us Kirsten Dunst? Maybe Mila Kunis? Any of the female cast?  
Max: Kyle, you seriously need to reign in your libido.  
Michael: I think the author is going to start spiking our drinks with salt peter.  
Group Groans  
Author Voice Over: HEY, I'M NOT THAT CRUEL.   
Disbelieving Silence From The Guys  
Author Voice Over: OKAY, SO MAYBE I AM. BUT I'M NOT DOING IT YET. IN FACT, IM GIVING YOU MORE MUSIC TO LISTEN TO.  
Kyle, Max and Michael Scream: NO MORE SMURFS.  
Alex: Hey, I liked them.  
Author Voice Over: NO SMURFS, THIS TIME ANYWAY. NO, THIS SONG IS FROM A MOVIE ONE OF YOUR ACTORS WERE IN. I WANT TO SEE IF ANYONE CAN FIGURE IT OUT.  
Alex: Please not anything from "That Thing You Do".  
Author Voice Over: I HAPPENED TO LIKE THAT MUSIC, BUT NO, NOT THAT. SO GO ON AND GET READY FOR YOUR BIG NIGHT.  
Music Plays: "We don't need no education, we don't need your thought control."  
"Another Brick In The Wall Pt. 2" Plays In The Background.  
Author Voice Over: DON'T GIVE IT AWAY EITHER.  
Group: Yes Sir!  
Alex: You know the girls are going to be there tonight, right?  
Michael: Yeah, but there's no way we can warn ourselves, as soon as he starts writing us we don't know what we know when we know what we know in here.  
Kyle: Huh?  
Max: He said we don't know then what we know now, when he's writing us we are puppets. No memory of this. So we're going to be humiliated. Bad.  
Alex: Wusses, I've had it happen to me already. I'll tell you this, if I'm going down I'm going down in style.  
Michael: Alex, you truly are one sick puppy. Sicker than the one humping my leg. Really. 


	11. Part 05: Add Flour And Stir

Part 5: Add Flour And Stir To Thicken The Plot.  
  
Hi, this is the story again. In case you haven't noticed, the Author is a male. Yet, I'm female. Because of this fact I want to say straight out that all of this part is not my fault. It is the MALE'S FAULT. Ladies, we all know that this is not an accurate representation of PMS. That's our story and we're sticking to it. Now, on to the Author truly goes and alienates his fans.  
  
"Men suck."  
  
"They really suck."  
  
"They're only good for a few things, and there are mechanical tools that can take their place."  
  
*silence*  
  
"I meant for lifting and moving things. Not that, I don't have an adequate comparison."  
  
"Seeing who you date I understand the inadequacies you are encountering."  
  
"That's so mean! The loathsome scum deserves it though."  
  
"I can't believe they ran out on us. And they even mentioned PMS as the reason! We should kill them."  
  
"No, death is too good. We give my mom a newspaper and let her attack."  
  
"Mind warp them into kissing light sockets."  
  
"Complain about how he has a better rack than me."  
  
"Grab him and cuddle him."  
  
"Isabel! We're male bashing here, no drooling."  
  
"But he's so cute. And he danced for me, and he has those adorable ears."  
  
"A moment ago you wanted to kill."  
  
"I changed my mind. Now I want to cuddle."  
  
"Me too, he does have some good qualities."  
  
"His rack isn't that much bigger."  
  
"NO, we are not letting our bodies decide we let them survive. They ran out, they must pay."  
  
"But Maria…"  
  
"NO! First we hurt them, then we make them crawl back to us, then we cuddle. After we take them shopping."  
  
"Ohhhhh, that's cruel."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Is there more chocolate ice cream?"  
  
"And fudge?"  
  
"Can I just have an IV drip of chocolate?"  
  
"Okay, let's go get some more chocolate."  
  
Hi, story here. This is the Author's fault, you all encouraged him. Are you happy now? Anyway, segue to, and I'm quoting the Author here, "after the hormonally insane women have been heavily dosed with chocolate". So, that's where we are. I can't believe I have to be this story, I could have been a nice Spike/Angelus fic by Saber Shadowkitten, but nooooooo, I just had to come here. What will my Applications think… Oh, sorry, back to the story and such.  
  
The now sated hormonally infused foursome sat around basking in the afterglow of se.. sorry, chocolate. If it were sex that would be a really different fic, though, that might not be a bad one to write. Anyway. Having eaten enough chocolate to kill most men, they were now slightly more sane (figuratively speaking since they are women).  
  
WHOA, please direct all hate mail to Drake at [Address Removed Because Of Frightening Repsonse By Women] if you wish I can give you his home address for mail bombs. Or male bombs.  
  
Tess, having killed several chocolate Easter bunnies by boiling them in honor of Kyle and then eating them with chili pepper, was now ready to have a brilliant idea despite her hair color. (Again, send all hate mail to Drake.) Sitting up swiftly and clutching a flyer for a Nevada strip club which found it's way to her through a plot hole (a.k.a. the Author is feeling lazy). Waking the others from their chocolate induced euphoria she showed them the flyer.  
  
"The guys ran off to have fun, so why don't we go have our own kind of fun? I missed Alex stripping, so why don't we go see some real men stripping?"  
  
"I don't know, you think our parents will let us go?" Liz didn't want to go, she wanted to stay at home and do that Pining Soulmate thing laced heavily with PMS driven homicidal tendencies.  
  
"They let the guys go, they better let us. If not I'll scream double standard." Isabel was now in the Angry PMS mode, not the Cuddle PMS mode.  
  
"I'm sure my mom will let me go. As long as it's not with Michael or any other hormonal males, she'll let me have free reign."  
  
Skipping past them all working it out, since, you know, if they didn't this part would be pointless, they are now on the road. And, since they, unlike the guys, will stop and ask for directions, they'll be there in time for the guys show where it took the guys days to get there.  
  
"Now, you all have singles to shove in their g-strings, right?" Maria was ready. They all were. They were going to get a show. They just didn't know how good of one yet.  
  
"Tess, you think you could mind warp the strippers into taking off the thongs too?"  
  
"LIZ! I'm impressed, and of course I can. We are going to see some sights tonight. We'll show the guys, who needs them, we can have lots of fun without them."  
  
And the Author cackled with glee. Then, realizing he was about to post the story and how he painted PMS and the girls, decided to hide someplace safe as soon as he posts. 


	12. Part 06: Do The Hokey Pokey

Part 6: Do The Hokey Pokey.  
  
And now for what you really wanted. Gratuitous male nudity! The song belongs to Bif Naked.  
  
The time was approaching, a small crowd had already congregated in the strip club as music was playing. The show was going to start before long. And four nervous guys stood behind the curtain peeking out at the crowd.  
  
"Okay, I think those seven over at the corner table will be heavy tippers."  
"Which ones?"  
"See the ones over there? One's wearing orange, they're drinking Smurfs and stirring them with Pixie Sticks. Their shirts have 'R.R. Board Members' in bold on the front."  
"Alex, first off, how would you know they would tip and second what are 'Smurfs' since I see no annoying blue things over there singing."  
"Oh, Smurfs are a drink; vodka, orange juice, grenadine and strawberry margarita mix."  
"And you know that how?"  
"Same way I know they'll be great tippers."  
"Which is?"  
"Trick of the trade."  
"And that is…"  
"Oh hell."  
"What Kyle?"  
"Look at the four women who just walked in."  
"&*%#"  
"&*%#"  
"&*%#"  
"&*%#"  
"Since we're all in agreement, now what?"  
"Well, I have an idea…"  
"Oh great, another Kyle idea."  
  
A couple of acts into the show the crowd was quite worked up. The regulars and the new patrons were drooling in their drinks. At one table, four underage girls sat ogling the fine specimens of manhood that were gyrating by them. They were lucky as they had a table front row center.  
  
"Tess, this was such a great idea. These guys, I mean, I still want my Max, but DA-AMN are these boys FIIIIIINE." Liz was slightly over excited and it seemed slightly drunk.  
  
"Thanks Liz, and I think you've drank enough for tonight girl. You handle your alcohol like we do." Tess said as she took the Screwdriver away from Liz. Everyone else was drinking plain OJ, but Liz tempted fate and got some alcohol.  
  
"These guys are good and all, but I liked Alex's performance better. At least until he spotted my mom."  
  
"Well, there are no moms here tonight, so let's cut loose and grope some hunks!"  
  
"Shh, some more guys are coming."  
  
"PATRONS OF OUR FINE ESTABLISHMENT, tonight we have a special treat for you. Making their stage debut, straight from the mothership… I present you with… THE ALIENS." The MC stepped off stage and the music and lights came on showing four men in silver jumpsuits and helmets on.  
  
"Spaceman, oh spaceman!  
come rescue me from this!  
calling all aliens!  
come rescue me!"  
  
Four girls looked at each other at the beginning of the song and broke out laughing before jumping up and waving their money. The four guys began moving to the beat as they unzipped their tops and exposed their chests to the now screaming females. Splitting up they each took a section of the club and began gyrating for the ladies. Sure enough, the table of seven groped the alien they got all the while shoving money in his slightly exposed thong. With the others doing well also they continued to ignore the four girls who they knew.  
  
"I see your face on the television, almost everyday  
in magazines and on the big screen  
close yet far away  
I wonder why you choose those others  
and you never come to call on me  
when I'm the one who's waiting for you  
I really need you-please pick me!"  
  
Having done a good bit of gyrating they again got back on stage directly in front of the inflamed familiar females. Each helmeted head looked to one another before moving in unison to pull their helmets off to reveal one head covered in a Yoda mask, one in an Alf mask, another in an E.T. mask and the last head in an Elvis mask. The crowd erupted even more at this turn as they did more on stage dancing.  
  
"Spaceman, oh spaceman!  
come rescue me from this!  
calling all aliens!  
come rescue me!  
Spaceman, oh spaceman!  
come rescue me from this!  
calling all aliens!  
come rescue me!"  
  
The four dancers who were now focusing on the girls who were about to burst took a step forward, blew the girls a kiss then gave a quick yank to their silver pants leaving them there shaking their money makers directly to their ladies. Now left wearing only shining silver thongs, the guys turned around to give a good cheek show. This action caused the seven at the back table to rush to the stage beside the other four and shower the guys with money.  
  
"Remember that night at my window  
when i waved at you?  
I must have been only five, or so,  
but I never forgot you.  
I wonder why you choose those others  
and you never come to call on me  
when I'm the one who's waiting for you  
I really need you-please pick me!"  
  
As the guys were doing their dancing at the edge of the stage a tipsy Liz reached up and tried to yank off Yoda's thong. Quickly stepping back after being partially stripped (and flashing little Yoda to the crowd) Yoda tried to resume dancing. Another woman in the crowd did the same thing to the guy in the Elvis mask as she yelled "BE MY WUV WOOZLE!" He tried to remain calm, just like Yoda. Unfortunately, Liz tried to crawl on stage to get Yoda. Her friends tried to hold her back, but by then a riot had been started as the other women tried to get on stage also to get at the guys and an all out brawl commenced and the guys just tried to back away as the bouncer tried to break it up.  
  
"Spaceman, oh spaceman!  
come rescue me from this!  
calling all aliens!  
come rescue me!  
Spaceman, oh spaceman!  
come rescue me from this!  
calling all aliens!  
come rescue me!…"  
  
The guys left the stage to much applause as the song ended and the bouncer escorted the eleven women out of the club. Backstage, almost naked and with papercuts from the money in places they didn't want to think about, the guys started talking. Elvis began pulling off his mask to reveal Kyle, who said "Max, I can't believe Liz tried to strip you!"  
  
Max, who just took off his Yoda mask, was disbelieving. "I can't believe my sweet innocent Liz tried to maul me! And she didn't know it was me!"  
  
"And she won't know either, no one will know it was us." Said Alf, as he pulled off his mask to reveal Michael, with a similar hairdo to his mask.  
  
"That is the second time I've stripped for Isabel, and I think she liked me better this time." Said Alex as he removed his E.T. mask. "I'm just glad they didn't know it was us."  
  
A chorus of "Amen" greeted that comment. As the guys tallied up their money they saw that they had raked in over twelve hundred dollars, ten phone numbers, seven home addresses and three hotel keys. As Kyle looked over the loot he couldn't help but look at the money and then the guys and say, "You know, a guy could make a good living at this…"  
Hi there, this is the story. You know, we coooooouuuuuuuuld leave it at that, but the Author wants to hint at something that will be happening much later in the story. So, now for a moment of foreshadowing.  
  
MEANWHILE, with Isabel and Liz in the backseat, one asleep and the other passed out after having tossed her cookies, Tess and Maria sat talking in the front seat. Tess spoke, not taking her eyes off the dark road. "I can't believe Liz, sweet innocent Liz, got us kicked out of a strip club for molesting the dancers."  
  
"I know chica, I've never been so proud of her in all my life. I seriously considered doing the same to Alf."  
  
"Well, you know of course who they were don't you?"  
  
"Of course I did, I recognized my Spaceboy immediately. I don't think Liz and Isabel caught them though."  
  
"Oh, I know they didn't and I don't think we should tell them. I recognized my Woozle's body instantly. But I did not like them groping him. We simply have to get revenge on them for stripping though."  
  
"I agree, but what can we do?"  
  
"Oh, I have an idea. When they get home your boyfriend and mine are going to get a little mind warp…" 


	13. Interlude 05

Interlude 5: The Morning After  
  
Max: We stripped.  
Kyle: Hey, we made a killing! They loved us. Man, we should be professional strippers.  
Michael: You have a mental problem, don't you?  
Alex: You're just now figuring that out?  
Kyle: Man, we made three hundred apiece. Now if we went to Vegas, worked five nights a week we'd have fifteen hundred each for 3 minutes of work a day. You thought about that?  
Alex: You know, that does sound nice.  
Max: Alex, did you hit your head?  
Alex: No, I was just thinking about the computer equipment I could buy, and the presents for Izzy.  
Michael: I might be able to get something nice for Maria, and pay Izzy back for Christmas.  
Kyle: See? I have the right idea.  
Max: You've all gone off your rockers.  
Kyle: No Max, just think of the money. We hit some of the gay clubs too, even more money.  
Michael: NO, you know, never mind stripping. I don't want to now. Unless it's for Maria.  
Alex: Kyle, you know how to kill a mood, don't you?  
Max: Good, the lunacy has passed. I think what is wrong with the Author is catching.  
Kyle: Might be, did I really say that? Man, it's too much time around you guys.  
Group: Amen.  
Alex: This is just a little too much male bondage for me.  
Michael: I do not want any bondage.  
Max: Not like that Michael, man, what is the deal with you and slash?  
Michael: Nothing, I don't know what you're talking about, it's just my preference and such. Nothing happened. If anything did, you couldn't prove it.  
Group Shares Looks  
Kyle: So Michael, what dude put the moves on ya?  
Michael: No one!  
Alex: Michael, even I can tell you're hiding something.  
Max: Come on, imagine you're on one of those women's talk shows. Just come out with your feelings, or if you need to, just come out.  
Michael: Nothing happened! He just asked me out, that's all.  
Group: WHAT?  
Michael: $#!% Any chance you could forget I said that?  
Group: NO.  
Michael: Just, that wrestler, he, um, asked me out on a date. That's all.  
Alex: I KNEW IT, I knew wrestlers were… Um, nevermind.  
Kyle: Alex, you are a dead man. Anyway, so that's all? He asked you out? So what?  
Michael: Well, I didn't know he meant it was a date at the time, I thought he felt bad about beating the hell out of me in the ring.  
Max: OH NO, you said yes didn't you?  
Michael: I DIDN'T KNOW, okay?  
Alex: Oh god, wait until Maria hears about this.  
Kyle: Oh man, Michael, we own you now.  
Max: I wonder what Isabel will say.  
Michael: That's it, I'm turning myself into the FBI.  
Kyle: Wait wait, so, what happened on this date with him?  
Michael: I didn't know it was going to be a date! We just went to a club and had a drink, he asked me to dance and I declined…  
Max: Aw, you weren't a nice date.  
Alex: Poor guy springs for all that and you don't even dance with him.  
Kyle: At least you're consistent with guys as well as girls.  
Michael: I HATE YOU ALL  
Max: You aren't just saying you hate us when really you have some of those special feelings for us, are you Mickey G?  
Michael Begins To Strangle Max  
Author Voice Over: MICHAEL, QUIT BEATING MAX.  
All But Michael Begin Laughing Insanely  
Author Voice Over: WHAT'S SO FUNNY.  
Michael: NOTHING, right guys, NOTHING!?!  
Max: Heh, yeah, nothing Author.  
Alex: That's our story…  
Kyle: And we're sticking to it…  
Author Voice Over: OKAY THEN, JUST TRY AND BEHAVE.  
Group Laughs Some More  
Max: So, did he try for a goodnight kiss?  
Michael: Shut up, I'm not talking to any of you anymore.  
Alex: Awwww, Michael, we're just kidding you.  
Kyle: Yeah, I mean, who hasn't been hit on by guys before, you just be polite and let them know you're not interested.  
Max And Alex Stare At Kyle  
Kyle: What, you mean you haven't been hit on?  
Max And Alex: Nooo…..  
Kyle: Hm, must not got the stuff then.  
Max: Yeah, must not give off the right vibe.  
Kyle: Hey! No, you just must not be hot enough is all. Mickey G and I are the only ones worth it I guess.  
Michael: You aren't helping me at all, you realize that?  
Alex: You know, I have been greatly disturbed by this today.  
Max: Me too.  
Kyle: Wusses.  
Michael: I'm going to walk away now, if anyone needs me I'll be reading Playboy's and doing manly type things.  
Kyle: Oh you butch you.  
Kyle, Max And Alex All Laugh  
Michael: I really, really hate you.  
  
*author hides in fear of backlash*  
  
No insult is intended, remember! Um, I'll hide now. 


	14. Part 07: Author Is MIA

Part 7: Author is MIA.  
  
Why must you all encourage this author? Really? Are you all just gluttons for punishment? Are you angry at the guys? Look at them. ::Camera pans on the huddled crying forms of the four lead characters:: They may never recover. Kyle is wanting to become a professional stripper, Alex is considering becoming Kyle's Pimp, Michael is about to join a monastery and Max… poor Max is freaking out wondering what Liz thought of "little Yoda".  
  
I've kicked the author off this part of the story. Don't worry, he'll return for the next part. But I decided to write myself some. Since his friend wanted to have Max and all, so, I'm exercising my option of radically messing with stuff.  
  
So, here's what happened. They got the money and paid off for the car repairs with a lot to spare. Okay, hold on. *Story steps away and smacks around the little paper clip dude in Microsoft Word* Okay, that guy was bugging me. As I was saying, they decided to drive all night to put distance between them and the girls. Unfortunately, they let Kyle drive. So they found themselves in Texas. I'm not going into how he drove.  
  
The guys woke up and saw where Kyle landed them. It was then decided he would not be allowed to drive anymore. So, to have fun… Excuse me again. SHUT UP AUTHOR, THIS IS MY SECTION. Anyway, they decided to join in a little pick up baseball game, having nothing better to do and since I had no better ideas on what to do to them. Yadda yadda yadda, playing baseball, yadda yadda yadda, Max is at bat, yadda yadda yadda, he swings, hits the ball, it hits the pitcher in the crotch and he's down.  
  
Maybe I should let the Author fix this, nah, I'll do this first. He sucks anyway. Uh oh, and now he's mad and . . . Okay, the Author just took back over.  
  
So Max feels bad for him, he would heal him but, you know, doesn't want to touch the injury. So he's feeling bad as they take the guy away in an ambulance. Then Max gets punched in the gut. "YOU DORK, THAT WAS MY PROM DATE." Moral of the story, don't mess with Texas women or their Prom dates. As she was pretty much beating the stuffing out of him, and his friends were just watching in fear of her she continued to yell. "NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DRESS BUT NO DATE AND I WILL" kicks Max, "NOT", another kick, "GO", he's getting hurt, "STAG!" By now Max is in the fetal position crying like a baby.  
  
As Max lay there sobbing he choked out "I could escort you." And then he covered himself and hoped she wouldn't hurt him anymore.  
  
"Really? Oh that'd be great. Meet me here at 6 o'clock and wear a tux hon. See you then." With that she smiled and skipped away.  
  
"Mommy?" Max then passed out.  
At six o'clock Maxwell Evans stood at the entrance to the field where he mortally (or so it felt) wounded a girl's prom date. So, in a tux (and wearing a cup) he was met by a limo and the girl in a stunningly romantic crimson prom dress. "Hi, I'm Jen. And this is a special night for me, so if you screw it up in any way after having hurt my escort, I will play baseball using your personal balls. Got that?"  
  
"Yes Ma'am." Max was very afraid, and suddenly wished he was at home facing his hormonally unbalanced soul mate. So, he went with her and was very frightened. "Um, I'm Max, by the way. I'm sorry about what happened."  
  
"It was an accident, but smile and look handsome like I know you can. You are going to make me the belle of the ball, understand? Now, let's have fun."  
  
And fun they had, she even drug him to have her prom pictures taken with him. Several of the other ladies there were jealous because of how he looked, so she didn't feel so bad about her previous escorts' balls. So, she got his address and as the conclusion of the night dropped him back off at the field and thanked him for his help. He thanked her for not hurting him. He went back to his friends, crawled in the back and slept. And Michael drove, while listening to his special brand of music.  
  
"Hey Max how's it hanging?" Kyle decided to be mean.  
  
"They're still hanging, right? Ah, I'm just kidding Max, I'll let you alone." Alex got in on the action.  
  
"I tell you right now, I'm not helping to heal anything she did. Understand?" Michael did not want to touch Max or any other guy there, no matter what.  
  
"I will make sure that your girlfriends hurt you all very painfully when we get home." Max wanted to sleep. Really, really sleep.  
  
"Sure Max, but, then we'd tell Liz that you took another girl to the prom." Kyle was having too much fun.  
  
"I hate you all, I really do. I will get revenge. Kyle, Michael, I will destroy you. So sayeth the King."  
  
"Thank you, thank you very much." Kyle did his Elvis impersonation.  
  
"Elvis has left the planet." Michael said in a mock announcer voice.  
  
"Remember, I'm behaving now Max." Alex kissed butt before it's too late.  
  
"I shall have my revenge!" Max then let out an evil laugh and passed out in the backseat.  
  
Blame the story for the suckiness of this part, not me, the oh so great Author. 


	15. Interlude 19: The Search For Shatner's ...

Interlude 19: The Search For Shatner's Talent (a.k.a. A Fool's Errand)  
  
Setting: A dark desert highway, cool wind in their hair, the warm smell of colitas rising up through the air, in the distance is a shimmering light…  
  
Kyle: I think the Author is dead.  
Max: What?  
Kyle: He hasn't been writing any for awhile and we've been safe. Other than being trapped in the "Hotel California".  
Michael: Hey, that reminds me, what the hell are "colitas" that are mentioned in the song?  
Alex: Colitas are something to eat.  
Max: How do you know?  
Alex: I know things.  
Kyle: That reminds me, how'd you know those girls would be big tippers in the fic? I get the feelings the writer didn't come up with that, he's not that orignal.  
Alex: I just know things.  
Michael: I'm going to open a can of whoop @$$ on you boy.  
Max: Hey, stop. Anyway, what were you saying about the Author being dead?  
Kyle: Well, he hasn't been writing or updating lately. Though if he is alive I think we're facing a reprieve for awhile. He said he wouldn't update until another fic, you know which one, is updated. So, we're looking at some down time.  
Michael: Cool. Let's party with some pink champagne on ice.  
Alex: Who will be the pretty boys?  
Max: I'll be the Night Man.  
Unknown Person Enters (UP)  
UP: Can I *hiccup* stab the beast?  
Kyle: Who're you?  
UP: Oops, wrong room. *hiccup* Y'all's is nice, but self-insertion ficcies is nasty. *hiccup*  
Group: THE AUTHOR  
UP: Hehe, sorry, I'll go now.  
Author Disappears  
Michael: MAN, we could have killed him. I wanted to kill him.  
Michael Proceeds To Do A Pout And Brood Session That Would Make Angel Grimace.  
Kyle: We'll kill him next time, don't worry. But I think he was drunk.  
Max: That explains how he writes.  
Alex: And why we're trapped in "Hotel California" I guess. Could be worse.  
Michael: How's that?  
Alex: He could be a Marilyn Manson fan, or Gospel…  
Group Shudders  
Kyle: So, he's alive and drunk. Let's hope he doesn't write anything else tonight.  
Max: Anyone want to bet on what he's been drinking?  
Michael: Well, he's from the South so I'd guess moonshine.  
Alex: Nah, he'd be drunk on Smurfs, they're a running gag in this.  
Kyle: Gag is right.  
Max: I think I'm drunk too, that was actually a good pun Kyle.  
Kyle: Thank you, I think. But you know who I feel sorry for? Male Smurfs.  
Michael: Do I even want to know why?  
Alex: I'll bite, why do you feel sorry for them Kyle?  
Kyle: Think about it, there is only one female and you know they all have blue balls.  
Silence To The Joke  
Alex: That's a sad joke, blue balls are no laughing matter.  
Max, Michael, Alex And Kyle: Amen  
Max: How did we get to the topic of Smurf balls?  
Alex: We were talking about the author being drunk.  
Michael: I think we all should get drunk.  
Alex: You all get drunk, I'll take pictures.  
Kyle: Don't make me hurt you Whitman, then I'd have no one to sing with.  
Max: I could make a bad comment here.  
Michael: I'll make the comment for you then, "You two like singing in the shower together?"  
Alex: Michael, you sound jealous.  
Kyle: Yeah Mi… WAIT, I don't sing in the shower with anyone.  
Max: You picked that up fast. Let's stop bashing each other and bash the last part.  
Michael: You certainly got bashed in the last part.  
Alex: Man, that was cold what happened to you.  
Kyle: You deserved it though, hitting a guy in the nuts with a baseball just ain't cool.  
Max: But I didn't do it!  
Group: Suuuuuuuuuure you didn't.  
Max: It was the story! It wasn't me.  
Kyle: Still man, how'd you like it if someone had cracked "little Yoda" with a baseball?  
Max: "Little Yoda"?  
Michael: That's what they're calling your *ahem* on the board.  
Max: WHAT?  
Alex: Yep, you've got a little Yoda in your pants.  
Kyle: I wonder what they call mine since I flashed too.  
Michael: They haven't mentioned it, apparently there wasn't much to see.  
Kyle: HEY.  
Alex: Yeah, I mean, they care enough to call Max's by a name. But yours', well, it must not have been memorable.  
Max: If mine is a "Little Yoda", though it's not little I was nervous and it was cold, but anyway, if they call mine that, yours' must be, what, "Non-Existent King" or something?  
Michael: They couldn't find it to give it a name!  
All But Kyle Start Laughing.  
Kyle: I'LL SHOW YOU HOW "NON-EXISTENT" IT IS!!  
Kyle Stands Up And Drops His Pants  
  
DUE TO THE RATING LIMIT ON THE BOARD THE REST OF THIS SCENE HAS BEEN DELETED. Sorry. Use your own imagination as to how much, or how little, Kyle shows. 


	16. Part 08: Crossovers Suck Dude

Part 8: Crossovers Suck Dude, Or Is It Vamps?  
  
Slight note from story here. This part contains men acting very immature. So, you know, the guys are being themselves. Although Kyle does act a little stupider than usual, if you want to know, just imagine Kelso from "That 70's Show" portraying Kyle for this part. And Tara and Willow are written a little out of character for, well, my testosterone.  
  
Having recovered from his vicious non-sexual beating Max was looking forward to a nice normal night on the town. Michael had driven them (with help from the author) to a little nothing town outside of L.A. They made California in good time (Thank the author) and decided to see the sights. Thus, this is the set up for the crossover you were all wanting. So, we flash forward to the local club where everyone hangs out. For convenience. Also, will note for continuity purposes, the last thing that happened on Buffy is not in this story. Good.  
  
"Yo, dude, those chicks are kissing." Kyle, being ever observant and, well, horny, spotted the wet dream of most heterosexual male teenagers. As he is one of those, he displayed the tact of them by staring openly and drooling.  
  
"Yes Kyle, I saw. Don't stare, it's rude." Max was scanning the crowd, he'd had an odd feeling since showing up in this town. Michael and Alex had gotten drinks and sat at a table while he and Kyle were still trying to decide on drinks and maybe nacho-nacho-nacho man.  
  
"But dude, they're like kissing. Now they're holding hands. Man, this is so cool." Kyle is dumb today. No other explanation.  
  
"Kyle, if you don't shut up I am going to hurt you. Do you understand?"  
  
"Uh, guess so." And with that they walked back to the table where Michael and Alex were, where the first words out of Kyle's mouth was "Dudes, did you see those two chicks kissing?"  
  
"What? Where man?" Alex was suddenly interested while Max just sighed.  
  
"They were over there mate, but I wouldn't stare too long unless you want one of them to curse you." Said the blonde that you all were wanting to see, and since as far as we know you're all heterosexual women, it's Spike instead of Buffy. Being as he always is he just sat down at the table with them, drink in one hand and cigarette in the other.  
  
"Who are you?" Michael, the ever so polite, said.  
  
"Call me Spike. So, what are you and he and who are the other two?" He already decided he liked this one kid, since the kid seemed to like almost no one else.  
  
"What do you mean what are we?" Max took over with a look saying "shut up Michael, right now, or I'll rate you out to Maria, and then I'll tell Izzy you coined the nickname of the Christmas Nazi". Guys can convey a lot with a look.  
  
"Well, the other two are human, but you two the smell is off a bit. I didn't recognize the smell so I thought I'd sit down and see who you were and if you were here to cause trouble. I could use a spot of trouble."  
  
"Smelled us?" Michael was already thinking up ways to do something stupid and overreact. It's what he does. The humans, though, were too busy watching the girls make out to care what was going on.  
  
"Yeah, it's what vamps do. And don't worry, I won't be eating you. That blonde in the corner would kill me if I did. Unless you attack me, at which time I can fight a little. Hey, quit staring. I've been cursed before, you don't want it." Spike found it funny how humans tended to stare at women like that, at least these two snapped out of it.  
  
"Oh, hey, I'm Alex. Who're you?"  
  
"As I said earlier, I'm Spike."  
  
"I'm Kyle, Spike eh? Cool name man."  
  
"Wait, you say you're a vampire?" Michael was just plain disbelieving now. Spike took a second, looked around then flashed his demon visage to the guys. Alex promptly wet himself, Max sat back, Michael glared and Kyle, being stupid said…  
  
"That's cool man. Does it hurt?"  
  
"Just until I died. So, what are you guys?"  
  
"Oh, they're aliens." Kyle blurted out, yeah, he's making lots of people happy. Since Michael hit him.  
  
"Really? Well, in all of my 126 years I've never met an alien. Nice to meet you two. And if you're here to abduct someone, may I suggest that annoying bugger of a bartender?"  
  
"We're not here to abduct anyone, we don't do that. Well, except for Michael but she ended up his girlfriend. We're here for a road trip vacation type thing. Oh, and my name is Max."  
  
"Well then, you picked a horrible place to visit. This place is crawling with vampires, most will eat you. Lots of other demons plus a Vampire Slayer who might off you if she thinks you're a demon. So be careful, though… Ah hell, come with me. I'll introduce you to the girl so you won't have any problems." With that Spike got up and walked straight for Buffy.  
  
"Slayer, I thought I'd introduce you to my new friends, Kyle and Alex here are human, Max and Michael are aliens, guys, this is the Vampire Slayer."  
  
TBC… 


	17. Interlude 33 & OneThird

Interlude 33 1/3: You Wish It Were The Final Insult.  
  
Setting: The Bronze, or the college hangout, the author is feeling vague. Five figures are sitting around the table.  
  
Michael: So, Spike, will you help us kill the Author of our story?  
Spike: No, he's written me well so far and he's written me well elsewhere. Let sleeping Author's lie I say. Besides, I like him having "Tepes" in his name, good vampire stuff.  
Max: After what he's done to us, that simply isn't an option.  
Alex: Only problem is we have no way to get to him.  
Kyle: Although we can bad mouth him here. And have been raiding his computer. After how he wrote me last part, I want him hurt.  
Spike: Too bad you don't have any witches or magick mojo that you could use, borrow Q from Star Trek or something.  
Alex: HEY, I've got an idea.  
Kyle: This should be good, what is it?  
Alex: I can't say right now, I'll tell you when the time is right.  
Michael: Just tell us, don't hide it.  
Alex: I can't, the owls are not what they seem and the walls have ears.  
Michael, Kyle and Max: Huh?  
Spike: I bloody liked that show, damn ABC for screwing it. I liked that Audrey chick. And guys, what he means is that the author could be listening in. Don't you know better than to give away your plan before the villain/hero/whatever is dead? I'm surrounded by amateurs.  
Max: Okay… Just make it good Alex.  
Alex: Don't worry, it is. The Author won't know what's coming.  
Spike: This plan of yours', can you get me out to the real world with you? I want to find Joss and have words with him. This bleedin' chip was one thing, but an android? $#!% Someone must have slipped him some bad dope.  
Kyle: I know, you're getting screwed there lately. Doesn't Joss realize just how much the women love you? You're my hero, you're evil, fun and get babes.  
Kyle Gets Odd Looks From His Friends  
Spike: Being a vamp is good. Lots of violence, no remorse, no sexual frustration and a long time to be undead.  
Michael: No sexual frustration?  
Spike: Sure, you become a vamp and you're automatically willing to have sex with anything. Dead, living, male, female, human, animal, demon… Hell, you find a tree with a nice knot hole and you'll be happy, but the splinters could kill ya.  
The Roswell Guys Look Around Uncomfortably  
Spike: Man, I really need a fag. Any of you got what I need?  
Max, Kyle and Alex All Look At Michael  
Michael: HEY, damn you guys.  
Spike: I mean cigarettes. I can't believe how insecure teenage humans are. It's really sad, when I was a kid… things were different, I'll leave it at that. Want to know more, read some of Saber's fanfic.  
Max: Um, yeah, moving on… What do you think we'll be doing next part?  
Kyle: Maybe get to see some more girl/girl action?  
Alex: I could go for that.  
Michael: Is Buffy wearing her mini-skirt? Maybe she can do some high kicks.  
Max: I am ashamed to know them.  
Spike: They're just being normal. You've got that bloody soul mate Angel/Slayer deal going. So you're worse off.  
Max: Hey…  
Alex: He has you Max, you know it.  
Kyle: Not like you're much better, I think the only differences between us and Max is that while he's totally comfortable with what he's got, we still like to window shop and realize we like what we have more.  
Michael: That was actually intelligent Valenti, I'm surprised. Yeah, I'll look up Buffy's skirt, but I won't do more. Maria is more dangerous than Buffy.  
Spike: I wouldn't bet on that mate, you should try having a jones for her. She can be evil when she wants.  
Max: I watch the show, I know.  
Alex: That reminds me, is the mall in Sunnydale close or far from where you usually see the stuff. You know, the college and magic shop and all.  
Spike: Ah, the place where the Slayer blew up the Smurf Demon? It's not far.  
Roswell Guys Scream  
Spike: That was random, why?  
Alex: They're nuts, it seems we're being haunted by Smurfs.  
Spike: Could be worse, Dru used to sing that bloody song for hours, just the "lalala" $#!%, I almost staked myself. Now for the rest of my unlife that song will be in my head.  
Kyle: That would be bad.  
Michael: I have to use my alien powers to block the song out.  
Spike: The worse part is Smurfs really exist, and the real ones are even more annoying.  
Group Stops In Shocked Silence  
  
Elsewhere…  
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA…  
They live… 


	18. Part 09: The Demanded Part

Part 9: The Demanded Part  
  
For those who are just joining us GO READ THE OTHER PARTS YOU FOOLS. For those who have read the earlier parts and just want to know what's going on, here we go.  
  
1) The guys are on a psycho-road trip.  
2) The guys had to strip. Max and Kyle were sexually assaulted and their genitals have been named "Little Yoda" and "Little Buddha" respectively. Wait, there is no respect in this story.  
3) The guys girlfriends saw them strip, only Tess and Maria know it was them.  
4) Max destroyed a guy's testicle, got whooped by a Texas beauty, took her to the prom and now plans revenge on Kyle and Michael for their mocking him.  
5) They stopped in Sunnydale and met with Spike and are being introduce to Buffy.  
In the interludes this has happened:  
  
1) They want to kill the Author.  
2) They all appear to be closet homosexuals.  
3) They want to kill the Author.  
4) Michael has admitted to having dated a guy.  
5) They want to kill the Author.  
6) Kyle has admitted he was been hit on by guys.  
7) They want to kill the Author.  
8) Kyle exposed himself.  
9) They want to kill the Author.  
10) Spike sat in with them.  
11) They want to kill the Author.  
12) Alex had an idea on how to get to the Author.  
13) They want to kill the Author.  
  
"Spike get lost and take your loser friends with you." Said Bimbo… er… Slutty… er… Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
"I resent being called a loser you natural bimbo bottle blonde." Michael had caught Kyle's stupidity and was trying it out.  
  
"Oh $#!%, this should be good." And with that, Spike just stepped back.  
  
"What did you say?" Buffy decided to glare, it wasn't as good as Giles' actually, it lacked the British Coffee Commercial look.  
  
"Let's all just calm down and not start anything. We were just saying hi, our friend Spike there wanted us to meet." Max decided to try and smooth things over, he's not that bright today either.  
  
"Why don't we go outside and talk, Spike said you aren't someone to mess with." Kyle tried to be smart, for once. Yeah right.  
  
"Yeah, it's too crowded in here anyway." The Slayer led the group outside, Spike knew she was probably going to attack and considered warning the guys but decided it'd be more fun if he didn't. Once outside in a conveniently placed alleyway Buffy threw Max against the wall and put a stake to his chest. "What exactly are you?"  
  
Max quickly erected his green jello mold forcefield and closed it around Buffy. "I'm what Spike said, and you really have no manners."   
  
"Ain't that the truth mate, she's tried to kill me many times." Spike added his two cents.  
  
"That's because you're a soulless demon Spike who's tried to kill me and my friends." Buffy beat helplessly at the forcefield.  
  
"That's what I do Slayer." Spike smiled and let up his cigarette.  
  
"I'll let you out if you promise to behave. If you don't, before you can hurt us I'll have you back in that before you can try." Max had pretty much taken over. Meanwhile Michael, Alex and Kyle and circled behind Buffy and were checking out her leather mini-skirt clad butt and openly salivating.  
  
"Okay, I won't stake you. But I will castrate your friends if they don't stop drooling over my ass." With that the forcefield disappeared and Buffy whirled on the guys. "BACK OFF." The three jumped back and huddled together.  
  
"Isn't that cute. Male bondage, you usually only see that on Pay Per View." Spike said that and the guys suddenly jerked apart and moved away from each other.  
  
"Okay, what is it you guys want here? Another attempt at trying to take over the world? Bring hell to earth? What is it this time?" Buffy was being, well, Buffy. She impatiently tapped her stake on her thigh.  
  
"Actually, we were just driving around trying to relax. And it's not very relaxing here so I think we'll be going." Max was the only one of the guys still speaking as the other three were too busy dwelling on the memory of the mini-skirt.  
  
"That'd be a good idea, this isn't a great place for tourists. And Spike is not who you want to hang around."  
  
"Well, he was the first who spoke to us. Okay guys, let's go." With that Max started to pull the still drooling fools away.  
  
"Come back and look me up sometime mates, you're a blast." Spike added, then smiled to the Slayer and started walking away.  
  
Halfway out of the alleyway toward where the guys were parked Alex turned around to Buffy and said "Your ass looks great in that mini-skirt." At that the Max started running and dragging his friends from the now very angry Slayer.  
  
The only sounds left in the alley was Spike laughing… and the faint sound of "Lalalalalalalalala…" 


	19. Interlude 37? 37? 38! I'm 38?

Interlude: 37? 37!?!?! 38? I'm 38!?!?  
  
Setting: Hollywood backlot, the guys from Roswell are sitting around with two other guys, a big guy in a black trenchcoat and a thin guy with a thick aroma.  
  
Kyle: That last part wasn't bad.  
Alex: Yeah, we got to look at Buffy's ass.  
Michael: And you even told her how it looked, brave. Even if the Author did it.  
Jay (Thin Guy): You saw Buffy's ass? Man I'd love to **** that *****. I'd *grunts* and have her calling me Big Daddy. Ain't that right Silent Bob?  
Silent Bob (Big Guy): …  
Jay: That's enough you tubby *****.  
Max: Um, excuse me but who are you guys?  
Jay: I'm Jay and this is my Hetero Life Mate, Silent Bob.  
Alex: Okay, what is it you guys do? What're you doing?  
Jay: Silent Bob and I are dealers and part time Prophets from God. We're out here trying to get some money for a movie they're making about our asses. Stars one of those WB **** as me, makes me sick.  
Michael: You know our show is on the WB, right?  
Jay: **** yeah, I watch all that ****. WB has the hottest sluts on tv. Hot high school sluts, hot alien sluts, hot vampire sluts… even hot lesbian witch sluts. They might not let us join in but we could watch, ain't that right Silent Bob?  
Silent Bob: …  
Kyle: HEY, my girlfriend is one of those alien slu, I mean she's an alien and she's no slut man.  
Jay: That's cool, you can have her first man. Maybe want a double play?  
Kyle: Maybe I could have her kill you violently.  
Jay: Okay man, take that one. Silent Bob and I can do the other alien slut.  
Max & Alex: HEY.  
Jay: You both boning her already? I'll wait in line man.  
Alex: That's my girlfriend you're talking about you ******* stoner.  
Max: And she's my sister.  
Jay: That's just sick man, your sister? You can have her. But Silent Bob and I wouldn't mind watching, ain't that right Silent Bob?  
Silent Bob: …  
Michael: You say anything about my girlfriend I'll shove my hand up your ass then blast you.  
Jay: I'm not into that stuff man.  
Kyle: So you're finally admitting to it Michael?  
Michael: Shut up Kyle or you're next. I want them gone and this interlude over now.  
Alex: Can we choose to end an interlude?  
Max: We've never tried.  
Jay: You *****es are pathetic, come on Silent Bob let's get out of here.  
Silent Bob And Jay Get Up To Leave  
Silent Bob: You can always kill an Author, but there are more out there. Why kill one Smurf when you can control Papa Smurf. It's better to get one under your power who will fix you lasagna. Then you can have what you want written.  
Jay: And get in some nice orgy porno fics with *grunt* *pants* *moan* sweaty alien sluts.  
Roswell Guys: THAT'S IT  
Jay And Silent Bob Run Away, Fade Out. 


	20. Part 10: Uneasy Riders 01

Part 10: Uneasy Riders '01  
  
On a long stretch of nowhere the SUV loaded with the minors speeded down the road. Alex had somehow gotten behind the wheel and was tapping the gas to the beat of a Hank Jr. song. His friends were cringing and even praying as Kyle tried to sing along. Suddenly a blinking red light caught the guys attention and he pulled over for the Cop car.  
  
"Alex you dumbass, you got us pulled over." Kyle said from back as he hit Alex.  
  
"Trust me guys, there won't be any trouble, okay? Just stay cool and don't act like aliens." Alex smart mouthed the guys. To which Max and Michael raised a one finger response.  
  
"Kid you were doing 75 in a 65, but I'll let you go this time. Just watch it next time, okay? I'm just stopping you for a warning." Said the nice Officer Dudley Doright of the Highway Patrol.  
  
"Thank you Sir." Alex said and slowly pulled away.  
  
"That was close. Just watch it, okay Alex?"  
  
"Sure thing Max, anyone else needing a pit stop by the way?"  
  
"I could, shouldn't have had the 32ouncer back there." Michael said.  
  
"Same here, I shouldn't have had two of them." Said Kyle.  
  
"I could stand for one." Max chimed in.  
  
"Okay, next place we come to we stop to empty and refill."   
  
Story here. Yep, this sucks. Poor Alex has no idea what's going to happen to him.  
  
Twenty minutes later and close to bursting the guys came upon the first sign of life… A place called the "Cloud Nine Bar And Grill." So, pulling in there the guys brandished their fake id's and two went to the bar while the others went to relieve themselves and rotated back out when the others got back. Soon all four were sitting at the bar nervously.  
  
This feller came up and sat down by Alex, he looked like a girl but talked like a guy, had lipstick on and mascara in his eye and everyone in the place looked just about like him. The guys took a look around and got up to leave when these two beautiful women asked Michael and Kyle to dance.  
  
"Guys, sit and have a round. We'll dance with these ladies and then be on our way." Kyle said as he and Michael walked away with the ladies. Max and Alex looked at each other and considered warning the guys, but decided against it.  
  
As Kyle and Michael danced on a feller sat on down by Max too and started talking real sweet to him. All of a sudden their were hands on their knees, to which Max said "If you don't get away from me I'm going to beat the hell out of you."  
  
The two fellers smiled real nice, one said to the other "We got us some live ones today." While the other said "I love it when you get that fire in your eye." Oh Max said "Well dude try this on for size." He punched the dude and he went out like a light. Following Max's cue Alex downed his guy and knocked over a couple others too.  
  
Everybody in that place must have been their friends, they all headed for them and it was the end. Alex and Max stood back to back hitting anything that came in sight. Michael and Kyle came running out of the blue and the girls they were with came running up too and proceeded to beat on them with high healed shoes. Alex punched one and off went her hair while Max grabbed the other by the hair and it came off in his hand. Those beautiful women were just beautiful men… Ol' Kyle and Michael got sick right there on the floor. Punching their dates they joined the fight, they all went out like a light and the guys fought their way out the door and into the SUV.  
  
Traveling down the road doing about 110 they all sat shocked at what had happened, when that red light flashed in the rearview, it was that same Cop again. Next thing they knew they were in the county jail, and old Kyle had to call his dad to throw the bail.  
  
"Um, hey dad?" Kyle said into the phone.  
  
"Yeah? You guys doing okay?" Jim said as he smiled at Amy while holding the phone.  
  
"Well, um, we're kind of in jail…"  
  
"YOU'RE WHERE?!?" Amy knew Jim's son had done screwed up good.  
  
"Dad, it's a long story, but do you think you could pull some strings and get us released? We'll come straight home and I'll tell you all about it when I get there. Let's just say it involved a bar room brawl, speeding ticket and transvestites."  
  
"Kyle, son, are you saying you're in jail because of a bar room brawl with transvestites?" Jim was trying to decide whether to laugh or to kill his kid. Amy, having heard that, decided to laugh but kept it low enough that Kyle couldn't hear.  
  
"Oh, no dad. We're in jail because we were speeding away from the bar after the brawl. Look, I'll tell you all about it when we get home okay? Could you just get us out?"  
  
"Sure thing son, but you come straight home or I'll come looking for you. Do I make myself clear?" Jim shook his head at the giggling Amy, whose state of dress or undress will not be mentioned.  
  
"Believe me dad, we'll be happy to come home. We want back where the women are women and men are men." With that they hung up.  
  
"Amy, I think my son is insane." Jim said as he walked back toward her.  
  
"Who isn't in this town?"  
  
TBC… After an interlude… yes, we are nearing the end of the story…  
Here's the song I stole to make this.  
  
"Me and my buddy got us a wild hair  
And figured we wanted to go somewhere  
So we loaded up in my ragtop Chevrolet  
We had a little bit of money  
And a whole lot of show  
And with Hank Jr. blaring on the radio  
We got us a tank full of gas  
And we was on our way  
  
We figured we'd go down to New Orleans  
We were barrelling down old 17  
When a man with a blinking red light  
Was on our tail  
He said you were doing 60 in a 45  
But I'm gonna let you go this time  
But if I catch you again  
I'm gonna slap you in the county jail  
  
We said thank you sir you sure been nice  
And you ain't gonna have to tell us twice  
And we were Southbound and down with the wind  
Blowing in our faces  
We kept on rolling and pretty soon  
The radio was cooking out a Haggard tune  
And we were pulling into Houston  
Checking out all them places  
  
I was feeling dry and I said I think  
We ought to stop and get ourselves a drink  
And old Jim said yeah 'cause we got time to kill  
We kept on rolling and I seen this spot  
And we pulled into the parking lot  
Of this place called the Cloud Nine Bar and Grill  
We walked through the door  
And the place was jammed  
The lights were low they had a punk rock band  
And some orange haired feller singing about suicide  
I said Jim this ain't our kind of place  
He said well let's just have one round anyway  
So against my better judgement we walked on inside  
Went up to the bar and we sat down  
This feller walked up and said I'll buy this round  
And he sat down on the barstool next to Jim  
  
He looked like a girl but he talked like a guy  
He had lipstick on and mascara in his eyes  
And everybody in that place looked just about like him  
I said Jim this ain't our kind of bar  
Let's just go on out and get back in the car  
'Cause there's gonna be trouble  
Ain't no sense in taking a chance  
We was getting up getting ready to leave  
When somebody grabbed old Jim by the sleeve  
And this good looking girl was asking my buddy to dance  
  
I said Jim don't do it there's something missing  
There's fellers dancing and fellers kissing  
There's a feller in high heeled shoes wearing panty hose  
He said partner I just can't turn this down  
You just go over there and have one more round  
And I'll dance with the lady  
And we'll get on down the road  
  
So he walked away and left me alone  
But this funny looking feller kept coming on  
And he was making me mad with some of the things he said  
Then he put his hand on my knee  
I said if you don't get your paw off me  
I'm gonna locate your nose around  
The other side of your head  
  
He said I love it when you get that fire in your eye  
I said well partner try this on for size  
And I unloaded on him and he went out like a light  
Everybody in that place must have been his friend  
They all headed for me I said this is the end  
But where I come from we don't give up  
Without a fight  
  
They were screaming and yelling and scratching and clawing  
I was punching and hitting and kicking and pawing  
I was holding my own 'cause I've been in a scrap or two  
Old Jim come running up out of the blue  
And that gal he was with come running up too  
And proceeded to beat on me with a high heel shoe  
  
I grabbed her by the hair it came off in my hand  
And that beautiful girl was just a beautiful man  
And old Jim just got sick right there on the floor  
  
He dropped that dude like a shot from a gun  
Smeared his lipstick made his makeup run  
And me and old Jim started fighting our way to the door  
  
We lit out of there in that Chevrolet  
I put in on the floor and it stayed that way  
We were going down the highway  
Doing about a hundred and ten  
We were headed for home and we was getting nearer  
Then a red light came on the rear view mirror  
And that same blame cop was pulling us over again  
  
Now I'm sitting here in this county jail  
I had to call my daddy to go our bail  
But I learned me a lesson  
That I never will forget again  
I've done give up drinking I've give up bars  
And running around the country in souped up cars  
I'm going back where the women are women  
And the men are men"  
  
"Uneasy Rider '88" by the Charlie Daniels Band 


	21. Interlude 42

Interlude 7^2 – 7  
  
Setting: Who knows, come on, does it matter?  
  
Max: I think they're going to need counseling.  
Alex: Yup, they're in bad shape. You think they kissed them?  
Max: Considering how they're acting? Yup.  
Michael And Kyle Are In The Fetal Position Crying  
Alex: You know, those two would make a cute couple. Everyone always pairs you and Michael together, but really, they're much better.  
Max: Oh I know, besides I'm totally in for Liz. But them, they cause problems. So maybe they're just in denial.  
Alex: I almost feel sorry for them.  
Max: Almost.  
Both Laugh  
Michael Murmurs: Must kill Author.  
Kyle Murmurs: Must kill Author.  
Alex: Isn't that cute, they think alike.  
Max: You know, we're probably next. We need to get rid of this Author.  
Alex: Don't worry, we will. My plan will work. And after he's gone, we go after the real 'cause of all this.  
Max: What? You don't mean…  
Alex: Yeah, we get Reena. She's the cause of this, he got the inspiration for this reading her stuff. She encouraged him. She's going to hurt you in her fic, she already has hurt me.  
Max: Yeah, she made you be a complete fool.  
Alex: Thank you Max for that oh so unhelpful reminder. Anyway, my plan is sure to work. I've made an ally in secret who will help us. After that, we can get Spike and help him get Joss.  
Max: You're really into this evil genius stuff aren't you?  
Alex: Only when someone writes me as a moron. I've called in consultants, next interlude they'll be here to look over my plan.  
Max: Who?  
Alex: Wait and see oh fearless leader. You're the King, but for now I'm the Majordomo.  
Max: Okay, so we get out of here and we hurt this Author. What do we do to Reena?  
Kyle Murmurs: Shave her head!  
Michael Murmurs: Make her allergic to all chocolate, caffeine and nicotine.  
Alex: Ouch. Max, remind me not to get on their bad side when they're traumatized and in the fetal position.  
Max: Will do.  
Michael And Kyle Wake Up  
Kyle: Tell me I've been dreaming.  
Michael: There weren't transvestites in your dream were there?  
Kyle: $&!@. It wasn't a dream then.  
Max: No, wasn't a dream.  
Alex: Yeah, you two got drunk and danced with some transvestites. Next thing we knew you two were dancing together *real* close and started kissing. We didn't know what to say.  
Michael: WHAT? I don't remember that.  
Kyle: Oh man, you kissed me? Ugh.  
Kyle Begins Spitting  
Max: There was just kissing, that we know of. No reason for you to spit, though we did lose track of you two for a couple of hours.  
Alex: Who knows what you two did.  
Michael: How am I going to tell Maria I … I did whatever I did with her almost stepbrother.  
Kyle: I think I'm going to be sick.  
Max And Alex Start Laughing  
Max: Oh man, we had you going.  
Alex: Totally, I mean, you guys looked positively ill.  
Kyle: That wasn't cool man, really not cool.  
Michael: After we take care of these Authors, I am so totally going to hurt you two.  
Alex: Do you realize how much you just sounded like Edge and Christian from the WWF?  
Max: More wrestling, what is with you Alex?  
Alex: Don't blame me, it's them who are becoming a couple.  
Kyle: I'm going to kill you. I'm going to screw up Liz's telescope and make it look like you did it.  
Max: You wouldn't dare.  
Kyle: Wouldn't I?  
Michael: And I'm going to tell Isabel what you think of her PMS'ing.  
Alex: But I haven't said anything.  
Michael: That doesn't matter.  
Alex: Man, Reena is really screwing us over even outside her fic.  
Max: I know, you'd think they'd be better since they're getting it just as bad.  
Kyle: The enemy of my enemy is my friend until I can SCREW YOU OVER FOR ALL THIS.  
Michael: Amen Brother Kyle.  
Max And Alex: We're screwed. 


	22. Part 11 Kinda NOG Interlude 42dot111

Almost Part 11, More Like Interlude 42.1111  
  
Driving home after being sprung from the joint was little fun for Michael and Kyle after their make ou… run in with the transvestites…  
  
HOLD ON, this is the story here. This is EASTER SUNDAY, I refuse to allow anymore potty humor today. I'm not religious, but man, I don't want to be damned because I have a sick **** for an author. So, your regularly scheduled part will be posted later. I'll give you an interlude for now. Anyone complains, look at the crap about the B.C. comic.  
  
Setting: Redneck looking dive, called the Dew Drop Inn (Reference to the original "Uneasy Rider")  
  
Alex: THANK YOU STORY.  
Max: Phew, that was nice of the story. Even though for us it isn't really kinda sorta being Easter, is it? The Author never really established a time line.  
Michael: Beats me when it is, I don't care. As long as we aren't getting abused.  
Kyle: Amen Brother Michael!  
Brain: Pardon me, but I was brought in to consult about this plan Alex has.  
Alex: Oh, yeah, come on over here with me and I'll show you the lay out.  
Kyle: Wait, don't all his plans fall through horribly?  
Brain: Shut up mammal.  
Michael: Maybe we should give him to the next Survivor season so they could eat him.  
Brain And Alex Walk Off Disgusted  
Max: Don't be so rude.  
Kyle: Not rude, besides we all know Pinky is the real star of the show.  
Pinky: Nog, I'm just Larry to his Moe.  
Kyle: You're more like Moe to his Shemp.  
Pinky: Zoink, nah. NARF.  
Kyle: YOU ROCK MAN, You should rule the world. Use Smurfs as an army, take us over, yeah! Poit!  
Michael: Kyle, you're scaring me…  
Kyle: NOG!  
Pinky: ZOINK!  
Kyle & Pinky Together: NARF!  
Max: STOP THE INSANITY  
Michael: This is how they're going to keep from being invaded by aliens isn't it?  
Drunk Mouse: Used to be *hiccup* that I'ddahelped *hiccup* but I cain't anymore… fail to save one *hiccup* lousy city and they brand you a cheesaholic.  
Max: You didn't save a city because you were eating cheese?  
Drunk Mouse: IT WAS GOOD CHEESE, so I was drinking *hiccup* some wine with it…  
Michael: So you're an alcoholic too?  
Drunk Mouse: Don't you judge me you reject from the hair club for men.  
Michael: That's it, this mouse is dead.  
Michael Attacks The Drunk Mouse And Is Knocked Easily On His Ass  
Kyle: Zoink.  
Pinky: Nog.  
Kyle: Narf?  
Pinky: Narf.  
Michael: Narf! My aching butt, zoink.  
Max: Michael, you're speaking like them.  
Michael: What, nog, are you talking about Maxwell?  
Max: Listen to yourself.  
Michael. I have, NARF, no idea what you mean.  
Max: Oh no, it's spreading…  
Kyle: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?  
Pinky: I think so Kyle, but wouldn't the WB frown on bestiality?  
Max: ALEX! HELP!  
Alex And Brain Return To Find Max Crying, Kyle Talking Animatedly With Pinky, Michael Laid Out Unconscious On The Floor With The Drunk Mouse Eating Cheese Off Him  
Alex: Yeah?  
Brain: What happened here?  
Max: Kyle and Pinky are bonding, nearing bondage, Michael got laid out by the drunken mouse and I'm going crazy from it all.  
Brain: Very well, I believe the time has come for our drunken friend, Pinky and myself to depart. Alex, your plan is very well thought out. Contact me if you ever wish to take over the world.  
Alex: Sure thing Brain.  
Brain: Come now Pinky, we must leave and prepare for tonight. And bring your drunken friend.  
Pinky: Sure thing Brain, but what are we going to do tonight?  
Brain: Something different Pinky, tonight we try to TAKE OVER THE WB!  
Pinky: Cool, nog.  
Kyle: Narf!  
Unconscious Michael: Zoink.  
Max: STOP.  
Alex: Bye.  
Drunken Mouse: HERE I COME TO SAVE THE, ah f*** it, I'm going to go bang Minnie while that wuss Mickey is away.  
With That The Three Mice Depart Leaving A Scarred Max, Unconscious Michael, Enlightened Alex And A… A… Pinkified Kyle. 


	23. Part 11: You Can Go Home Again, But Why...

The Real Part 11 You can go home again, but why?  
  
Where were we? Oh yeah…  
  
Driving home after being sprung from the joint was little fun for Michael and Kyle after their make ou… run in with the transvestites…  
  
"My dad is going to kill me, that's all there is to it." Kyle was scared of his dad, since, you know, his dad has a gun and is a rough rugged "Man's man" and his son was in a transvestite club, and got into a brawl… and made out with some dude… Ick.  
  
"Makes me glad I'm an orphan. Have I said that before?" Michael ponders, while the Author whistles innocently and acts like he did nothing. "The memory of what happened is punishment enough."  
  
"Well, at least I had some fun on this trip. And I have such great blackmail material now, aside from the whole 'you're-illegal-aliens-on-a-global-scale' thing." Alex was kicking back and enjoying the ride home.  
  
"I didn't have too bad a time, I think Liz groping me was the best. Right up there with watching Kyle and Michael make out with dudes." Max added, having gotten some evil from Alex and other places. (HINT HINT: It was the Author)  
  
"We'll be home tonight, but the only thing I fear more than my dad is Tess… did you all forget we abandoned our girlfriends during… (insert dramatic music here) THAT TIME OF THE MONTH?!?!?" Kyle reminded, as he began to weep in fear like the girly boy he is.  
  
(Story) HEY, most of the women like Kyle. You're going to tick them off doing that Author.  
(Author) So? They like the abuse he's taken so far. Face it, women enjoy abusing the women they love.  
(Story) That is so not true.  
(Author) Then why do so many women like my story? In fact, why is it only women?  
(Story) They're all PMS'ing and thus not responsible for their actions.  
(Author) Bite me, now back to the story.  
  
"Oh come on, they couldn't know what we've been up too and they'll be so happy to have us back that they wouldn't care anyway…" Michael spoke those words, and thus earned himself a place among the All Time Stupidest Men Ever To Have Existed…  
  
Meanwhile back at the Motel…  
  
(Story) Huh? What motel?  
(Author) In joke for fans of Ray Stevens, reference to the song "Shriner's Converention"  
(Story) Okay, you're insane.  
(Author) Duh.  
  
Meanwhile back in Roswell…  
  
"Sheriff, I hate to interrupt your make out session with Amy, but I'd like to talk to you about Kyle."  
  
"Sure thing Tess, hold on a minute Amy. I'll be back and we can… pick up where we left off." With a very unsubtle wink the Sheriff got off the couch and went into the kitchen to talk to his quasi-daughter. "What are you needing? I'm already preparing a punishment for his incident with the transvestites."  
  
"Transvestites!?!? Wow, okay, that story you need to tell me later. First, I was wondering if it'd be okay if Maria and I punished Kyle and Michael. After that we'll tell Liz and Isabel about them stripping so they can have it out on them." Tess, the little blonde who actually as able to think, was thinking up a devious plan.  
  
"Stripping!?!? They did what? Okay, that story YOU have to tell me later. And I guess I'll let you punish him, you might as well get used to it since you'll probably end up marrying him. Now, I have to get back to Amy."  
  
"Thanks Sheriff!" Tess replied, and then what the Sheriff sunk in. "MARRIED?!?!" And then, talking to herself as she left the Jim and Amy to, um, do grown up NC-17 cable things, she mulled over what he said. "That doesn't sound bad, Mrs. Tess Valentie… Mrs. Tess Harding-Valentie… Mrs. Tess Harding and he could be Mr. Kyle Harding… or if he whined Mr. Kyle Valentie-Harding… Oh and we could have lots of little ones of us…" And she went on like that… like all girls do… planning out her life down to the most annoyingly minuet details… Later she remembered to call Maria to let her know they were a go…  
  
Just outside the Roswell City limits…  
  
"Okay guys, here we are. Are you ready to face our girls?" Kyle said as he stopped by the green alien with a boner sign (no one ever really took the device out, they figured the alien was part of an add for Viagra) and prepared.  
  
"I'm ready, I fear no death, I fear no girls, I fear no one…" Michael lied to himself…  
  
"Michael, you date a fate worse than death, she is no mere girl, she is THE HURRICANE." Alex said, while suddenly Bob Dylan started singing from the radio.  
  
"I'm so dead." Michael said before saying as many prayers and he knew and curling into the fetal position in the back seat.  
  
"I'm ready, I'll just explain to Liz that I was forced along to try and keep Kyle out of jail… which I failed to do, but I think she'll understand." Max smiled maliciously as he said this to Kyle and Michael.  
  
"YOU WILL TELL NO ONE ABOUT THE BAR!" Kyle said with a maniacal glare that could melt the panties of a Preacher's daughter.  
  
(Story) WAIT, "melt the panties of a Preachers daughter"? What are you thinking?  
(Author) I thought it was funny.  
(Story) You're wrong, rewrite it now. You don't want to piss the women off do you?  
(Author) Okay okay, sheesh. Stupid story.  
(Story) Bite me.  
  
*take two*  
  
"YOU WILL TELL NO ONE ABOUT THE BAR!" Kyle said with a maniacal glare that could melt a glacier, which is almost as cold as the panties of a Preacher's daughter…  
  
(Story) $#@% it, I give up on this part.  
  
"Why not?" Alex piped up, just as mean as Max.  
  
"Because I will tell everyone you two were stripping, yes, and implicate myself. I will tell Isabel how you said that alien women must PMS 28 days a month instead of the usual number to explain how she constantly flip flops about your relationship, and Max, I'll tell Liz how the night we were drunk you paraded around in a bra you stole from her and talked about how good her "silky underthings" felt. Is that understood?" Kyle said with such evilness that Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, George W. Bush, Al Gore, Jesse Helms, Mickey Mouse and Bill Gates all stood up and applauded.  
  
"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" Max and Alex yelled in unison.  
  
"Try me punks, go ahead, make my day." Kyle said before hitting the gas and heading into town… subsequently causing Michael to fall off the seat and into the floor of the backseat in his fetal position where he later became stuck and felt how it must feel to be a baby and be born.  
  
Meanwhile, behind the welcome to Roswell sign a tiny army trudged along singing their song of solidarity…  
"Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…" 


	24. Interlude 45:976HOTNUDEROSWELLIANS

Interlude 45.976-HOT-NUDE-ROSWELLIANS  
  
Alex: When the hell did Joss start writing Roswell?  
Max: Oh come on, it's not that bad.  
Michael: Yeah, they're writing me pretty well.  
Kyle: Aren't we just supposed to make fun of the fic?  
Alex: Yeah, usually. But I'm so pissed off this week, man, what the hell are they doing?  
Michael: Your actor wanted to go make movies probably.  
Alex: The prick, ******* Tom Hank's wannabe (rest of Alex's rant on the status of the actor who portrays him has been removed due to the explicit content and graphic nature, this rant also went on to include the actor's parents, the network, the writers and random people Alex thought of)  
Kyle: I had no idea you knew that kind of language.  
Michael: I had no idea you'd use that kind of language.  
Max: What did that one word mean?  
Alex Takes Some Deep Calm Soothing Breaths  
Alex: @#&(&@$!*($&!$(&#!%(#(!&$(!@*$(*!)#$*#!($&(!%(!#$*(&%!(*^)_$)@^&!#(&$(  
Other Three Get Scared And Back Away  
Alex: It's okay, I'm calm now. Just when we help Spike hurt Joss, we have to pay a visit to the Roswell people that's all.  
Max: Okay…  
Kyle: Yeah…  
Michael: Uhhuh…  
Alex: Really, I'm better now. So, what's this stuff about us crossdressing and singing RHPS songs?  
Michael: I don't know, but I hope it's not me. I've done enough humiliating things this fic.  
Kyle: Same here.  
Max: What, and we haven't?  
Kyle & Michael Together: No.  
Alex: Shuddup you two. It should be funny to see what Tess and Maria do to you two.  
Michael: You know of course that you will get yours.  
Kyle: Even if we have to arrange it. This goes for you two Max.  
Max: Anyone else notice our interlude here is just us threatening each other?  
Alex: Maybe the Author is spiking the air or something. Or we're all just pissed about the last ep.  
Michael: I didn't mind it really, Amy liked me.  
Alex Hits Michael  
Michael: Ow, why am I always getting my ass kicked?  
Max: You bring it on yourself.  
Kyle: You really do.  
Alex: You're our whipping boy. You're a lot like Daniel on Stargate SG-1, you get beat up on and get into trouble get rescued.  
Michael: But you all have been in scrapes too.  
Max: True, but you're also a good target because you're the most relationshiply challenged one among us.  
Michael: So because I'm a crappy boyfriend I'm a target for pain and humiliation?  
Kyle, Max & Alex: Yup.  
Michael: I'm so screwed.  
Kyle: But you look good getting screwed.  
Max, Michael & Alex Look At Kyle Oddly  
Kyle: NON-SLASHY.  
Other Guys Unconvincingly: Uh huh.  
Kyle: REALLY.  
Other Guys, Still Not Convinced: Sure.  
Kyle Pouts  
Michael: ANYWAY, what was the Author talking about? What parody of "No Sex In The Champagne Room"?  
Alex: Oh, actually that is my and Kyle's fault. We were writing it, I guess the Author is taking credit since in his world we're just fictional characters.  
Kyle: The bastard.  
Max: So what is it?  
Alex: Well, okay, we'll sing it to you. But you need to sing along like was with Chris Rock's version, okay? And don't hurt us until it's done.  
Michael: I think I'll regret this, but okay.  
Alex: Okay. Kyle, you ready? Let's start.  
  
Alex: Ladies and Geeks with passing marks of the Starfleet Entrance Exam of 2001.  
Kyle: We have one piece of advice for you.  
Alex: No matter what an alien tells you, there's no lube on the anal probe.  
Kyle: None. Sure, your ass is going to get probed, but there's no lube.  
Alex: And you want lube, believe us.  
  
Kyle: Don't go with aliens with no corporeal form.  
Alex: Sure they look cute and foggy, but they'll probably take over your body.  
Kyle: You can fight them on the outside.  
Alex: But once in, you just ain't got a chance.  
Kyle: If an alien looks 17, and says he's 17, his genetic material is well over 50.  
Alex: If a part crazy girl says she 17 and aliens are after her, she's your grand kid.  
Kyle: Take off that silly Star Trek t-shirt.  
Alex: Aliens couldn't possibly have done all those crop circles.  
Kyle: Drunk-ass rednecks did some of that sh*t.  
Alex: Young human men out there, if you're dating an alien and she has a mood swing.  
Kyle: Don't tell her that her Alien PMS must be kicking in.   
Kyle: Tabasco - Ain't nothin' wrong with that.  
Alex & Kyle: Remember this one thing, there's no lube on the anal probe.  
  
Max: Ahhhhh…  
Michael: No lube on the anal probe  
Max: No lube on the anal probe   
Michael: No lube on the anal probe  
Max: No lube on the anal probe  
Michael: No lube on the anal probe  
Max: No lube on the anal probe  
Together: Noooo….  
  
Alex: If a stranded alien has a funny sign  
Kyle: He hasn't been stranded very long  
Alex: Really stranded aliens are too busy hiding to be funny  
Kyle: If an alien girl groupie has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your ****  
Michael: That'd be great.  
Alex: If an girl Alien has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck out your brains.  
Max: Oh, don't want that, no…  
Kyle: Here's a horoscope for everyone.  
Alex: Aquarius: You're going to be abducted ya crazies.  
Kyle: Capricorn: You're going to be abducted.  
Alex: Gemini: You're going to be abducted TWICE.  
Kyle: Leo: You're going to be abducted.  
Alex: Scorpio: You're going to be abducted and be an Alien Goddess' sex slave.  
Michael: Oh yeah…  
Alex: No one goes to the Crashdown for hooters.  
Max: Hey! Hey! Hey!  
Kyle: If you've been dating an older human for months  
Alex: And haven't met any of his friends, he's possessed by an Alien.  
Kyle: Some of the things may not apply to you  
Alex: Some of the things may be too late for you  
Kyle: But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing.  
Alex: No matter what an Alien tells you  
Kyle & Alex: There's no lube on the anal probe.  
Kyle & Alex: NONE!  
  
Michael: No lube on the anal probe  
Max: No lube on the anal probe   
Michael: No lube on the anal probe  
Max: No lube on the anal probe  
Michael: No lube on the anal probe  
Max: No lube on the anal probe  
Michael: Can't get none  
Max: No…  
Michael: Say there's absolutely  
Max: Say there's positively  
Max & Michael Harmonizing: No lube on the anal probe…  
Michael: No lube..  
Max: No lube…  
Max & Michael: No lube no lube no lube…  
  
Alex: And that's it.  
Max: That's scary, and you two wrote that parody together?  
Kyle: Yep.  
Michael: Not bad.  
Alex: Thanks. Well, end of this interlude I guess.  
Max: And no Smurfs.  
Kyle: Until you mentioned them you dumbass!  
Alex: What do you have against Smurfs?  
Michael: Just don't like them. And Max had to mention them, for that, he must be ridiculed for his massive man boobs and his Dumbo ears.  
Max: Hey.  
Michael: Blame it on the Author. 


	25. Part 12a: Sitting On A Throne

Part 12a – Sitting On A Throne With A Broken Crown And No Toilet Paper  
  
Max Evans had split away from the rest of his group of ragtag fools. Deciding to immediately kiss his girlfriend's as… um, to immediately inform his girlfriend of his return, he headed to the Crashdown that night.  
  
Is night right for story continuity? Are you all paying attention to continuity?  
  
If so, you are truly sad in the Conan O'Brien sort of way.  
  
Slowly entering the establishment that mocks his heritage he swiftly maneuvers to Liz, his girlfriend *coughsoulmateBuffyAngelsickcrapthatannoysusmorethanDawson  
andJoeyanddammitweallknowJoeyandPaceyaremuchbettertogether  
butnowehavedumblittleteenqueensouttheredemandingthisstupid  
assstorylinesoofcourseitsgiventotheirpopcultureairheadbrain  
washedminionscough* while actually keeping away from Maria, though she did see him. Pay attention, this is mentioned in another part, don't want you to fall behind.  
  
Max, having been stuck in a car for days with the dysfunctional boyfriend twins had been corrupted, and thus the first words he spoke to Liz after having not seen her for… however long this fic has dragged on, were these immortally stupid words. "Hey baby, how's it shakin'?"  
  
(Story) No way would he say that, no matter now much time he spent around the others.  
(Author) Story, shuddup. It's not too late for me to c&p that horrid TPM tag of graphic and nasty Anakin/Padme sex in here. Would you like me to do that?  
(Story) *retching at the image* Sorry.  
(Author) Good.  
  
Liz, being a blonde with really dark hair, was happy for this soul mate comment and spun around and wrapped her arms around Max and proceeded to suck his face.  
  
(Story) *phew* Close one.  
(Author) *glares*  
  
Anyway, she sucked his face, they made those annoying lovey dovey eyes, he asked her how she was, she said fine, she asked how he was, he said he survived the annoying guys and that the trip was eventful but he didn't want to talk about it. She, being the p-whipped girl she was…  
  
(Story) I may regret this, but guys are "p-whipped", not women. Remember?  
(Author) Well, I was thinking they were "pistol" whipped, get it?  
(Story) Why do I even bother? That's it, I quit, I'm going on strike for the rest of part 12. I hope you misspell everything, that the characters kill you and… and I hope you pass a kidney stone the size of a basketball!  
(Author) *groans in pain* I Hate You.  
  
ANYWAY, being the loving girlfriend she was she just accepted what he said without question or thought, but really, when to women really think that much when it comes to men? Or anything else for that matter.  
  
(Author) I dare you to say something story. I dare you.  
(Story) ….  
(Author) Wuss.  
  
So, after making out and all that crap that the oh so annoying couple do, Max left for home to have a good night's sleep…  
  
But the Author would have none of that, and as such manipulated things to cause an interesting morning.  
  
SCENE: At home, Max is in the bathroom unbeknownst to his sister who thinks the Royal Pain is still in bed. Though she's planning on tormenting him about his trip, she wanted to get the hot water first so she barges into the bathroom while yelling towards Max's room "MAX, I'm hitting the shower, I'll make sure you have some cold water left!"  
  
Well, when she looked into the bathroom what did she see but her brother… with his pants around his ankles… and her moisturizing hand cre… erm, lotion on the counter… and his hands holding his *CENSORED*. "ISABEL, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK!"  
  
"Oh my God Max, that's so disgusting! And that's my hand lotion, oh gross."  
  
"Isabel, it's not what it looks like… really. I was just, I had this nightmare okay? I dreamt I had lost a testicle and it scared me, and this morning I ran in here to check. Like Tom Green said, you know, to check them… I just wanted to be sure they were there."  
  
"Oh Max that is sick, and I mean, for God's sake put it away for one thing. And I SO DO NOT NEED TO KNOW about what you were doing, God I'm traumatized for life. I'm going to have to have Tess destroy this memory. Ew, I mean."  
  
"Isabel, really, I wasn't… doing that, I was just, checking to be sure I had both my nuts. Come here and feel if you don't believe me."  
  
"NO! I can attest that you're nuts from here. And with my lotion, you are so buying me new lotion. Oh god I'm gonna hurl, I have to leave. And Max, don't forget to take that picture of Liz with you. I'm going to tell mom."  
  
"What picture? Oh $#!%. IZZY THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" With that he tried to waddle after her, forgetting to pick up his pants as she went retching into the hall calling for their mom.  
  
"MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON WAS DOING WITH MY HAND LOTION?"  
  
With those words in his head Max Evans slumped his head in defeat, locked the bathroom door and went in for a cold, cold, cold and yes, cold shower. All the while, he wondered why he kept feeling like he was alternating between an Almond Joy and an Almond Mounds. Sometimes feeling like he had the nuts, and sometimes he don't.  
  
It wasn't until later he found out he forgot to get a towel… and there was no toilet paper… and his pants were covered in the hand cre… LOTION, HAND LOTION.   
  
After these events he considered just sitting on his throne and doing like another Great King had done… and dying on his porcelain throne.  
  
Elvis has left the building, Max has left the building, their pants, however, are loose in the building. 


	26. Part 12e: If You're Gonna Play In Roswe...

Part 12e – If You're Gonna Play In Roswell Ya Gotta Have An Alien In The Band  
  
Since leaving the group of moronic males, geez was that redundant much? Anyway, after leaving his friends, Alex Whitman headed home. He was glad to be heading home since he was on his last clean shirt, a shirt promoting the WWF wrestler The Undertaker and proclaiming himself a member of "Deadman Inc.". He felt an odd sense of karma biting his butt because of the shirt.  
  
Considering going and seeing his alien girlfriend, who no doubt was going to hurt him if he didn't shower her with gifts and praise, he decided to wait until morning. Then he'd go over and see her, taking her some chocolates, tabasco and some Arby's "Bronco Berry" sauce. He would then kiss her feet and if she was feeling well, he might get to kiss her ass. He was hoping literally, but that's a different fic.  
  
So once in his home, and having checked to make sure no one found the bodi… um, checking to make sure his parents were well, he went to his room and began his nightly ritual of lighting candles, kissing pictures of Isabel and sniffing some… clothing he had acquired… (Come on, what guy hasn't set up a Satanic shrine in honor of a hot chick and offered up his soul for some booty? *crickets chirp* Just us? Oh well.) Having paid homage at the Altar Of Isabel (a.k.a. Stalkerboy Extraordinaire) he laid upon his bed to sleep.  
  
However, the Author still lacked a plot, so something happened…  
  
~shimmer to dreamscape~   
(due to the fact he is a teenage male, everyone should imagine the women in clothes, even though in the dream they were all bare ass nekkid and lookin' fine)  
  
"Alex honey, are you okay? We'll have you fixed soon. I promise." Alex looked up at the voice of his angel, Isabel, in the concerned tone she was using.  
  
"I'm okay, what happened? And you really are beautiful, my angel." Alex was, of course, checking out his angel's chest, but then remembered to meet her eyes. It wasn't easy to look away from the… Okay, okay, I'll stop focusing on her breasts… Sheesh, pardon me, the Author just ain't getting' any.  
  
"Oh, you don't remember? You and Max were at the Granolith working on translations when it activated and … MERGED you two into conjoined twins."  
  
"WHAT? Conjoined? Where? Will we be okay?" Alex looked around, and he saw the answer to one of his questions. There, on the table also, was his girlfriend's brother… with his groin conjoined with his own. "OH GOD."  
  
"Don't worry, they're about to fix you. Just go on to sleep honey." With that, she kissed him and he, you know, passed out…  
  
~scene shift to post op~  
  
"Alex, it worked!" Isabel hugged her boyfriend.  
  
"It did? Lemme see." With that, Alex got up and (this scene is for the pleasure of you women folk) stood naked in front of a full length mirror. "Phew. Uh oh, um…"  
  
"What Alex? It's all there, isn't that great?"  
  
"Um, Isabel… How do I say this… but, see, there's a little… more there than used to be… and, um, it feels like I now have three testicles…"  
  
"Oh Alex… well they said there might be complications, but the main thing is you're okay and everything is in working order. Right?"  
  
"Well, Izzy, um, it's not all working. That section that isn't mine, it, um, isn't responding to you like the rest does…"  
  
"Oh… well, let me see." So, she looks, gawks, drools, blushes and licks her lips (yep, Author is a sick puppy). "Don't worry, that's more than enough."  
  
"Yeah, but I'd like to be fully functional."  
  
"Oh don't worry about it, it'll come about in it's own time. Between Bob Dole, Pepsi, Viagra and me imitating Britney Spears for you, we'll have you … up and about in no time."  
  
"Thanks Izzy." With that he hugs her, and he is still hugging her when Liz comes into the room to check on him.  
  
"Alex, how're you doing?"  
  
"I'm doing great… Uh oh."  
  
"Uh oh?"  
  
"Alex! It's working now… wait, it's working for LIZ! HOW DARE YOU!?!?"  
  
"It's not my fault, it's the part from your brother, it must still respond to her… This isn't my fault."  
  
"What are you two talking about, what's responding to me?"  
  
"Well, my boyfriend now has part of my brother's… part, and it seems to respond to you."  
  
"Oh no, that's what Max meant about feeling a little short."  
  
"He's also got one of Max's balls."  
  
"Oh no…"  
  
"Excuse me, still here you know."  
  
"Alex, you know I love you… but, with you having part of my brother, that'd just be incest… I just can't anymore. This is it, I'm going to go date Brody, he's old enough."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….." And with that, Alex woke up in the morning. Instantly checking to be sure that he has the proper number and proportions of himself. Sighing with relief he repeated the mantra it was only a dream.  
  
Deciding he should call and check on Max, and make sure he didn't have a similar dream, he dialed Max up. The response he got from his simple query to Max set the tone for the day.  
  
"Hey Max, how's it hanging?"  
  
"WHY? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?" And from there, it went downhill…  
  
And somewhere in the city of Roswell, two blondes giggled conspiratorially…  
And elsewhere in Roswell, a small blue army of Smurfs plotted…  
And somewhere in America, an Author took more drugs then posted this…  
And elsewhere in the world, someone read this and decided the Author must die…  
And somewhere in the world, Carmen San Diego hid…  
And elsewhere in the world, someone wondered if this had a point… 


	27. Part 12i: Hard Luck Alien

Part 12i – Hard Luck Alien  
  
Kyle Valenti, the one, the only, the hot piece of male as… (Author shakes head, okay, must step away from the homoerotic speaking for juuuuust a moment, where's my bloody Maxim…)  
  
*cough*  
  
Kyle Valenti went home, finding his dad there he said hi and tried to escape to sleep… unfortunately that wasn't the case. His father actually had a clue.  
  
"Son, sit your ass down and explain what happened out there. NOW!" THE SHERIFF said (come on, he has to be in all Caps, he's like Superdude of somethin'). "And don't even think of leaving anything out."  
  
Defeatedly, Kyle sat down and as countless children have done to their parents since the beginning of time… he told his "version" of what happened. And all in one breath without pause.  
  
"Wellwealldecidedthatsinceourgirlfriendsweregoingtobe,you  
know,PMS'ingthatperhapsweshould,youknowevacuatethearea,okay,  
thestate.SowewentontheroadtripwhichYOUgavemepermissiontodo,  
justrememberthatandthenwehadcartroublelateronandwehavetoearn  
somemoneytopayfortherepairssoafterwedidthe"job"wewentbackto  
drivingandthenweirdthingshappenedlikeMaxbustingaguy'snutwith  
abaseballandthenhavingtogotothePromwithherbecauseitwasher  
datehedeballedandthenwewereinCaliforniawherewemetamegahotas,  
er,veryLovelygirlwhoalsoisavampireslayerandwemetavampireand  
thenitgotweirdandtherewasacommentfromAlexaboutherSexyassand  
thenwewererunningforourlivesandstoppedinthisbarfullof  
transvestitesbutwedidn'tknowthatatthetimesowe,um,satandhadas  
lightdrink,really,andthesegirls,orsowethought,askedMichael  
andmetodanceandhedemandedIdoitso,notwantingtopissoffthealien  
Idid,meanwhileAlexandMaxarechattingitupwithsomeguysindragand  
nextthingIknowthere'sabarroombrawlandthechicksMichaelandI  
weredancingwithturnedouttobeguysandthenwebothpukedonthefloor  
andjoinedthefightandwefoughtourwayoutandthenwespedoffdownthe  
roadwherewegotarrestedforspeedingandthenIcalledyouandyouknow  
therest." Kyle said all that without taking one single breath. So when he finished, he passed out.  
  
Jim THE SHERIFF Valenti tried to decide between laughing himself silly or punishing his son. Figuring that Tess would punish him enough, plus the fact he felt so sorry for him he couldn't do more to him, he decided to let him go. But first, he had to see if his son would fess up to what Tess mentioned. So, leaning down to his son's ear he whispered "Tess, put some clothes on. Kyle shouldn't see you naked." And Jim almost got his nose broken when Kyle's head popped up and started looking around.  
  
"Huh, wha, where, huh, what?" Spoke Kyle *coughJOCKcough* as he searched the room for his girlfriend naked. Finding she wasn't there he sighed disappointedly.  
  
"Okay son, I'll let you go this time. You're only young once, so this is your one and only get out of jail free card. Literally! But one more question, what did you all do to pay off the car repairs?" Jim had a good idea what.  
  
"Thanks dad… and, I'd rather not talk about what happened. We've all sworn to secrecy about it. We'd sooner confess to being aliens or watchers of "The View" than mention what happened."  
  
"Very well son. But if you want to talk, let me know."  
  
"Sure thing dad." With that, Kyle sighed. And, unbeknownst to him, his girlfriend was in her bedroom (formerly his, though he's more than willing to share) listening in and barely containing her laughted. She couldn't wait to tell Maria what had happened.  
  
"Hey Buddha Boy, I missed you. And I won't even punish you for running out like you did." Said the Goddess… um, sorry, said Tess. Of course, her fingers were crossed behind her back. She was soooo going to screw him over (though we all know he'd be happy with any scr *smack* OW, okay okay, sorry, didn't mean to get near crossing the line).  
  
"Thanks my Hot Alien Mama. It was all the other guy's idea you know? They just drug me along, and peer pressure… I just couldn't say no."  
  
"That's okay baby, I understand completely." 'Yeah right,' she thought, 'it was probably your lame ass idea. That's okay, I know about the stripping and the gay transvestites. Maria and I are going to make yours' and Michael's lives so miserable.'  
  
"Thank you. I missed you so much," he said as he leaned in and kissed her gently. 'Yep,' he realized, 'I'm in love, how pathetic… oh well, at least she's a megababehottiehottie.'  
  
"So, what happened on your little trip?" Tess baited, let's see what he'll say. Oh, she was going to hang him, humiliate him and then hug and cuddle him.  
  
"Oh, nothing much. Just some guy bondage is all."  
  
"Bondage? You guys were in leather with metal studs and whips?"  
  
"Um, almost. *cough* No, not close, really, we just become closer friends. Really, we got real close." Kyle, was sunk.  
  
Raising an eyebrow and wondering just how close was "real close" she gave him a smile. "Okay, well, get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow. I'm spending the night with Maria."  
  
"Thanks babe, I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
And with that, Kyle Valenti drifted off to dreams…  
Dreams of the Village People…  
Naked…  
And himself naked…  
Doing "YMCA" with them…  
Then doing a nude Macarena…  
Then the Little Man From Another Place walked by and spoke, saying, ".gnimoc era sfrumS eht dna mees yeht tahw ton era slwO ehT"  
Then a Smurf walked by holding a piece of wood shaped like Alex…  
Then the dream shifted to his normal pornographic ones about Tess and Jodi Ann Patterson nude on treadmills… 


	28. Part 12o: I Still Wanna Jump Your Bones

Part 12o – I Still Wanna Jump Your Bones, Or At Least Up And Down On Them In Stilettos.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: Today we follow the male of the hybrid species as he attempts to earn mating points with a recently pissed off female. He has recently left his pack and gone out to arrange a mating with his female of choice by speaking to her life giver.  
  
Having separated from the group (it's the trendy thing) Michael "Macho Man" Sa.. oops, Michael "Whipped Puppy" Guerin went to his girlfriend's house. Having bought her a present, (Hey, before you think it's sweet, remember this is MICHAEL GUERIN, so it's going to be a pathetic present) he went in the front door *gasp* after asking Amy if he could, and put the gift on Maria's bed. Taking a moment to drool, he quickly left after seeing Amy standing in the doorway with a rolled up newspaper… Guess he won't get to sniff any clothing today.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male humbles himself to the head female, the life giver, and lays a present for his hopeful mate upon her bedding. The male sees a chance to "sniff " and see if any competition had been there, as well as possibly marking the area with his own scent.  
  
Pulling what is known as a "Mulder" and sleeping on his couch instead of his bed, Michael went to sleep… for a little while, until his small Pixie girlfriend stormed into home wielding the present he left for her.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male chooses to show his ruggedness by avoiding the soft bedding material and slumbering on the harsh material that stabs him in the back. Females have been known to find this appealing. It seems though that his female doesn't, as she storms in with the gift, the mating bribery, in hand.  
  
"WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS!?!" At the tone of Maria's voice, Michael, being a smart Alien quickly covered his crotch with a pillow (yeah, right, like that would offer ANY protection).  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female loudly states her anger, momentarily frightening the male and causing him to protect his life giving member.  
  
"Um, Maria that's a present for you." Obviously, Michael was dead. That was the wrong thing to say.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, attempting still to gain mating favor explains to the female it is a mating bribe so they may coitally consummate their relationship and bring for a litter of offspring for a new generation.  
  
"Gee really? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN RUN OUT ON US ALL AND THEN COME BACK WITH A PRESENT AND IT ALL BE OKAY?" Michael's radio suddenly kicked on and, again, Dylan was singing his classic song.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female of this species, like all females was irrational. This was made more so obvious when combined with factors of her recent menstruation, her obviously dull witted mate and her lack of mammary glands to nurture future generations.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Dog Meat Michael prepared to try and explain. "It wasn't my fault, it was Kyle's lamebrain idea and he convinced Alex and Max went along to try and keep them out of trouble and they all laid a massive guilt trip on me… I mean, these are the only guys I socialize with and I didn't want to, pardon the pun, alienate them. So it was peer pressure. I didn't want to go at all, but with Max going I figured he'd need his second in command. And I mean we had a horrible time, I wished I was at home the entire time…" Taking a deep breath, casting his eyes downward Michael used the best "self preservation male manipulation tactic" known to existence… "I missed you a lot Maria, I didn't known I could miss you that much…"  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, sensing that he would never mate if he did not convince the female he was a worthy mate, quickly set forth on the ageless tactics of saving one's ass. First he cast blame upon others, saying he was a victim. Secondly, he said he had to go, for protection of the pack. Thirdly, he did not wish to lose face in front of his pack. Lastly, he used the best tactic that will forever break down females of any species. He showed himself to be slightly vulnerable and in love, the female, unaware that this was a tactic so he might be able to mate with her or to at least merely survive, will succumb to his nature.  
  
"Really?"  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female is unsure, but her attack is severely weakened though his use of the tactics.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male speaks little, reassuring the female of his true intentions by not trying to overstate.  
  
"Oh Michael," Maria hugs him as he's lying on the couch and gives him a kiss. "You're still in trouble, but I missed you."  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female attacks the male, attempting to crush him with her grip. Upon finding out she was weaker than he, she shifts it to look like she is embracing the male. The male, being stupid and now thinking with his life giving member he embraces back. Attempting to smother him with her lips she again sees the futility of this action and instead initiates part of a pre-mating ritual which he returns in kind.  
  
"I missed you too." Michael held her close and they cuddled for awhile.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, sensing no mating shall occur simply holds the female and memorizes her body and smell, so later when he is keeping his life giving member in working order he can be sure of it's full functionality.  
  
"Michael, I have to now, I'm having a friend over at the house tonight. So I'll see you tomorrow." With a quick kiss Maria was gone before Michael could reply.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female rushes off to meet with her pack mates, to discuss her male and his actions. The pack shall of course harm the males for their leaving. But that is for another time. With the female gone the male drifts off to slumber after an hour or more of thinking of the body he held close. Through our remarkable technology we are able to see what the male does dream, here is a glimpse for next weeks installment.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male dreams of the female and him involved in a pre-mating ritual, when suddenly the female is replaced in his mind with that of his pack mate identified as subject "K.V.", the dream becomes erratic as the male repeatedly attempts to get with his female, but males in outfits of authority , Native American culture and work constantly interfere. Forced to dance naked with males of a different pack our male awakened sweaty and scared.  
  
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: This is all for this weeks episode of "The Mating Habits Of The Earthbound Ignorant Males/Hybrids". 


	29. Part 12u: We Brake For Brunettes

Part 12u – We Brake For Brunettes   
  
Author Note. This part SUCKS. But it does so on purpose. It's meant to lower your expectations, so when you read the next part (Part 12y) you'll be amazed and love me even more. Really. Uhhuh. *gulp*  
  
Subdivision 1 (a.k.a. Desperate Author Writing)  
  
Liz Parker. Little Miss Perfect. The girl who has everything. The girl that all the fans secretly hate or out right hate. You either hate her because she's annoying, or because she's got Max. Yes, that's it folks. Liz Parker is the one who snagged Max "Dumbo With Boobs" Evans. She, who unbeknown to herself, groped her boyfriend while he was shaking his money maker. She who…  
  
You know what? I'm the Author, and I just SO cannot write Liz write now, I'll end up ringing her perfect little neck. So, here's a synopsis of what this section of this part was going to be about. You all use your imaginations and fill in the blanks from what I give you.  
  
Liz is having a bad day. She's still embarrassed about getting drunk and groping the stripper. She's having such a bad day that when she goes to fill out an order in the Crashdown she starts to write with her tampon and her pencil is nowhere in sight. That giving you a good idea of how bad her day is? Good. So, she's doing her whole mopey, whiney, lovesick *coughBuffycough* spiel and then Max comes in. Then you go on with Part 12a, after he leaves she's all floaty and happy and starts wondering what kind of "Little Yoda" he's packing. So, go on, use your imagination from there on.  
  
Subdivision 2 (a.k.a. Author Is Out Of Ideas)  
  
Isabel was going to violently hurt her boyfriend, then she'd nurse him back to health, play with him awhile, then hurt him again. No one, ever, runs out on her and sites PMS as a reason. His ass was grass and in the tradition of Robert Downey Jr. she was going to smoke him. (Okay, tasteless but funny, right?) When he got home, ohhhhh, when he got home… She'd never watch WWF Smackdown with him again, no matter how hot the Hardys are… or Chris Jericho… or… okay, maybe she'd watch it with him some. But next time she caught him drooling over Lita he was so getting a smackdown laid upon him.  
  
Maybe she'd act like she was going to give him a treat and make her hair red and dress like Lita for him… then kick his ass like she would.  
  
That has a lot of promise.  
  
Except he might enjoy that a little too much, maybe more than her. Thus, not a good punishment.  
  
Maybe later, if he's been a good boy.  
  
He'd better get home soon, or she'd show him something far worse than her PMS'ing. Her royally pissed off. If he thought she was the Ice Princess before she'd be so cold that if they ever want kids together he'll have to thaw out the little guys.  
  
Thinking of all the horrid stuff she would do to the love of her life tired her out. So she went to the bathroom to do her pre-sleep ritual of shower (guys, if any are reading this, imagine this in great detail… some of you ladies too), facial mask and healthy dose of moisturizing hand cre… L O T I O N. Finishing up the lady went to bed, leaving the lotion in the bathroom… unbeknownst to her, the poor lotion was going to be viciously molested, like so many rednecks before it, by an alien. Yes, her brother.  
  
That morning, what she saw, has forced her from that brand of lotion and now she constantly dreams of Max holding his own.  
  
Isabel was not happy, and she was going to track down her boyfriend and wrestle with him. And it wouldn't be the kind he'd enjoy.  
  
She hoped. 


	30. Part 12y: Oops We Emasculated Them Agai...

Part 12y – Oops We Emasculated Them Again  
  
WARNING, this part has lots of sex talk. I mean, it's naughty. I'm almost ashamed I wrote it.  
  
Almost.  
  
Well class, do you recall me mentioning that you should pay attention to something because it would be involved later? Do you?  
  
You don't?  
  
Shame on you. But I'll keep on anyway.  
  
Maria was working, but was luckily it was near shift change. Then, she saw Max and that meant the guys were back. So, staying out of his eyeshot, which he seemed to be doing to her also, she quickly called Tess and things started. (Please reference earlier sections of this part for the Tess/Kyle and Maria/Michael scenes).  
  
Having left her rather sad excuse for a boyfriend, Tess went to Maria's to begin the plan they had been hatching since they'd found their boyfriend's shaking it up on stage. Tonight was Plan Part One, of two.  
  
"So they're home, you sure you want to do this Tess?" Maria wasn't having second thoughts, she was wanting to make sure Tess wouldn't back out.  
  
"Definitely, they won't know what hit them. Tonight, we get our boyfriend's co-conspirators hard, and tomorrow night we destroy our boyfriends in a most humorous way."  
  
"Tess, you are truly evil."  
  
"Don't I know it. So, what do we want to do to them tonight?"  
  
"Well, let's give our boyfriends some quality naked dance time with the Village People, since they enjoy dancing naked so much."  
  
"Oh girl you're evil."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
And with that, the blondes dreamwalked together into their boyfriends minds, combining them all together and actually enjoying the show of their boyfriends shaking it up and dancing together, it gave them such good ideas for tomorrow night…  
  
"Okay, two down. Are you sure we should do Max and Alex? I mean, shouldn't we let Liz and Iz handle them?"  
  
"No way Tess, they're just as whipped as their boyfriends. No, we must punish them."  
  
"Okay, well, I got an idea on that…"  
  
"I'm listening."  
  
~fade to dreamscape~  
  
Again, all those in the dream are naked, but for the sake of the rating imagine them clothed. Tess and Maria are INVISIBLE to the dreamers.  
  
"Okay Tess, we're merged now you want to work it?"  
  
"Sure thing." And then, with her mojo Max and Alex appear before them… naked… "Wow, Liz is going to be a lucky girl, not as lucky as me."  
  
"Whoa, Alex is packing. Wonder if Iz dreamwalked and found out about that before she went after him."  
  
"Knowing her, definitely. Remember Jen asking Joey if Dawson packed a pistol or a rifle?"  
  
Both girls speak at once "Cannons!" before laughing.  
  
"It must be something about Roswell, all the guys are freaks of nature."  
  
"Are you complaining?"  
  
"Hell no."  
  
"Good, then enough ogling. Time to punish."  
  
And with that, the guys were then joined by the crotch.  
  
"That looks painful…"  
  
"And kinky…"  
  
"And oddly arousing…"  
  
"You too?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You think we could…"  
  
"Nah…"  
  
"You're right…"  
  
"Maybe later though…"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure… but with our boyfriends."  
  
"Damn straight…"  
  
"Or a little crooked with a few kinks."  
  
"Oh you're evil…"  
  
"Like you're any better…"  
  
"Well, let's get on with it."  
  
The dream shifts to Max waking up after the operation and Liz by his side with a sad smile. "Oh Max, you're awake and okay!"  
  
(Tess: Like she wasn't peeking under the sheet.)  
(Maria: That's Lizzie. Wait, is this really Lizzie and Izzy in the dreams?)  
(Tess: Sure is, with a little manipulation from us, but really, only a little.)  
  
"Wha… what happened?"  
  
(Maria (imitating Max's voice): "And why are you drooling? And why's your hand on my…")  
(Tess: Oh you're horrible.)  
(Maria: This is fun.)  
  
"Oh, there was an accident with the Granolith and you and Alex… you got conjoined, but you're okay now… give or take."  
  
(Tess & Maria (imitating Liz's voice): "GIVE! GIVE! GIVE!")  
  
"Where were we conjoined?"  
  
(Tess (Liz voice): "Yes, I wanted to do you both with Izzy but she wasn't into the incest thing.")  
(Maria: Good thing, I'd have hurt her for doing Michael.)  
  
"Your crotch, the doctor said it's all fixed, why don't you look in the full length mirror."  
  
(Maria (Liz voice): "And give me an unobstructed view.")  
(Tess (Liz voice): "Feel free to shake your booty a little.")  
  
Doing so, Liz, being the horny li *cough* Liz, being the worried girlfriend she is pays close attention to Max to make sure he's okay… and openly drools at what she sees.  
  
(Maria: Are you making her drool?)  
(Tess: Nope, that's all her. She's scaring me.)  
(Maria: Don't let her turn this porno, she's told me some of the dreams she's had about Max.)  
(Tess: Oh really? The quiet ones, always the quiet ones.)  
  
"OH NO."  
  
(Tess (Max voice): "I'm gay! I'm getting so turned on looking and myself!")  
(Maria (Max Voice): "I've got to go resurrect Zan!")  
  
"What? It looks gre… I mean, everything looks fine."  
  
(Tess: She said a mouthful.)  
(Maria: Not touching that joke.)  
  
"But it's shorter."  
  
(Tess (Max voice): "Now I'll never be able to tuck it like the man from Nantucket.")  
(Maria: I don't get it.)  
(Tess: I'll tell you the joke later.)  
  
"You mean it's supposed to be bigger? Da-amn… I mean, I'm sure the doctor did his best."  
  
(Maria: This is really Liz? My lord, the girl's scaring me.)  
(Tess: Same here, I really don't want Max now. I'm afraid she'd hurt me.)  
  
"Wait, there's something else." Liz watches, with her perverted mind in over drive (it's always the quiet ones) as Max "checks" himself out. "I'M MISSING A NUT!"  
  
(Tess & Maria together: But you ARE a nut!)  
  
"What? Oh don't worry, you only need one I hear… Besides, I love you for your ears… erm, your mind, not your body. You could be a good half foot smaller and I'd still love you." YEAH RIGHT  
  
(Tess: Oh god, you came up with that line didn't you?)  
(Maria: That obvious? Come on, you know she'd say that for real.)  
  
"But I want to be whole. Don't you want me to be complete?"  
  
(Tess: I think she just wants you.)  
(Maria: In a pink tutu and dancing with the Village People.)  
(Tess: What is it with you and the Village people?)  
(Maria: No comment.)  
  
"I guess, if it'd make you happy. I'll go see if Alex has it."  
  
(Tess: Yeah, like she's really worried about him being happy.)  
(Maria: She's just greedy.)  
(Tess: Well, we've already done the Izzy/Alex stuff, so it's time to wake up.)  
(Maria: Cool, but you won't do anything like this to me will you?)  
(Tess: Not unless you want.)  
(Maria: I'll consider it.)  
(Tess: Cool. Hey, did you think up those Smurfs over there?)  
(Maria: No, I thought they were yours'.)  
(Tess: Not me, let's catch one… whoa, it disappeared when it saw us.)  
(Maria: So, bring it back.)  
(Tess: I can't, it's hiding and it shouldn't be able to do that.)  
(Maria: I guess one of our friends here has a Smurf obsession.)  
(Tess: I guess you're right. OUCH, did you see that?)  
(Maria: What?)  
(Tess: A Smurf just appeared and kicked me.)  
(Maria: OUCH, hey, one got me.)  
(Tess: That's it, we're getting out of here.)  
  
~fade out dream~  
  
"That was very odd Tess, can we do it again?"  
  
"Maria, what we to our boyfriends tomorrow will be far worse."  
  
"We're evil."  
  
"Duh, we're women aren't we?"  
  
And inside the dream, a Smurf smiles before returning to it's master… 


	31. Interlude Stardate: Kirk Nails An Alien

Interlude Stardate Kirk-Nails-An-Alien  
  
Max: It's been awhile.  
Alex: It has, and don't even start singing Staind, okay?  
Michael: It's a good song.  
Kyle: It's a good, when done by pros.  
Alex: Exactly.  
Max: So anyway, this part sucked.  
Alex: I know, sheesh, we got molested.  
Kyle: I think we'll end up getting it worse.  
Michael: Definitely.  
Alex: Actually, let's not talk about this story or the author. I actually feel bad for him, but he said if we spoke about what was going on he'd turn this into hardcore triple-x, not NC-17, but Triple-X slash. So, let's just send out condolences and prostitutes.  
Michael: Smurf prostitutes? I mean, he has a Smurf fetish.  
Kyle: Let's hire someone to dress like a Smurf and strip for him.  
Max: Um… ANYWAY… Um, oh yeah. Season finales have come and gone and we got bumped networks.  
Michael: FINALLY, I so enjoyed killing that damn frog.  
Alex: The WB really porked the pooch on this one. They lost Buffy and then basically handed us over to them. So now we get to follow Buffy, and I will enjoy following her.  
Kyle: *cough*Youmeanwatchingherassfrombehind.*cough*  
Alex: Like you won't.  
Michael: I kind of like Anya actually.  
Max: If Dawn wasn't jailbait.  
Kyle: Whoa, Max the pedo.  
Max: Shut up. I said "if".  
Alex: Uh huh.  
Kyle: Anyway, anyone else want to destroy the WB for what happened with Popular?  
Group: YES.  
Kyle: They didn't even give it a real final ep, the ending on a *#&@ CLIFFHANGER, they basically said they didn't give a damn about the fans. I mean, I want to know what happened to Brooke. Did Harrison really choose Sam over her? Is he that stupid? I always thought he'd get with Brooke or Mary Cherry.  
Michael: Mary Cherry? She's a nut, no way on those too. But I want to know if Mary got out of the orphanage and reclaimed her Cherryhood with the help of her father RuPaul.  
Max: Don't forget about Lily and Josh, I think they're going to get an annulment, they haven't had sex yet so they can. They can find some other way to keep Josh around.  
Alex: I'm pissed they didn't have more of Carmen or Suges in the last ep, but I want to know if Nicole killed Brooke, I mean, since it's the finale anything is possible.  
Kyle: Man, the WB sucks. I hope they lose all their ratings and become an infomercial channel and that UPN picks up all it's good shows. Man, I wish someone had picked up Popular or Jack and Jill.  
Michael: Yeah! I mean, Jack is pregnant but her and Jill aren't getting married, she hadn't even told him. That's a crock, they need to resolve, but will they? Nooooo, because the WB blows.  
Max: I want to know if Audrey and Barto finally got back together, I mean, duh, they love each other. It made it seem like they were/would, but I want them to go all the way and get married.  
Alex: Screw that, I want Elisa and Mikey to get together. I've been wanting them to hook up for, like, forever. That Elisa chick was so cool.  
Kyle: I know, and the damn WB screwed us out of endings for them all, yet kept crap like Felicity. Seriously, since she cut her hair the show hasn't been worth a damn. They should have just dropped Felicity, picked up Young Americans and Jack and Jill and run them full seasons back to back, no reruns.  
Michael: Young Americans! YES, I loved that show man. That chick who was posing as a guy was so cool, and the two who thought they were related so needed to find out the truth and get to bumpin'.  
Max: Exactly!  
Alex: Man, the WB couldn't market it's way out of a paper bag. They couldn't sell sex to horny high schoolers.  
Kyle: They couldn't sell Tabasco to an alien.  
Michael: They couldn't sell a cat to ALF.  
Max: They couldn't sell booze to a country music fan.  
Alex: Okay, now that that is settled, any other shows we want to bitch about?  
Kyle: Well, Grosse Point, not because it was a good show but because they had some hot women on it.  
Michael: Oh I know, Lindsay Sloane was the best, right?  
Max: Wasn't she on Sabrina back in the ABC days?  
Alex: She was, maybe they'll bring her back on now, that'd be nice. And while they're at it they'll get Sabrina and Harvey back together.  
Kyle: What, you don't like the other guy?  
Michael: I don't think anyone really does.  
Max: I sure don't.  
Alex: See, we should have Neilson boxes.  
Kyle: Now that would be cool. We could get 7 Days to be high rated on UPN again. Did they cancel it?  
Michael: I don't think so, but I don't remember seeing it on the line up next season, I'm hoping it'll be like a mid-season replacement.  
Max: That'd be good. I wish networks would learn that they don't have to show a season twice a year in the time slot. There are 52 weeks a year and 22 episodes a season. Why not show one full season of one show, then show a full season of another, then show maybe four catch up episodes and then the next season of the first and so on.  
Alex: Simple, that makes too much sense. Networks are all run by morons.  
Kyle: Except for the people at UPN who picked us up.  
Michael: Well of course, that person is a genius.  
Max: They should get a nice big fat raise.  
Alex: And lots of sex. Especially if they bring me back.  
(Shameless ass kissing to UPN, please don't be offended)  
Kyle: And if they bring Buffy back from the dead.  
Michael: Dude, they'll bring her back. I know how I want them to do it too. Angel and Spike go on a rampage through the Underworld, rough up the PTB's and get her life returned to her.  
Alex: Along with mine.  
Max: Sure, right, cross genre crossover.  
Alex: Been done before.  
Kyle: Not lately.  
Michael: Sad but true. Hey, does anyone miss dueSouth too?  
Max: YES, I loved that show. Fraser was hot.  
Alex: Um… Well, yeah, okay, Fraser was hot in his uniform. So was the second Ray.  
Kyle: Oh yeah, now he was a hot piece of… wait, we're talking slashy.  
Michael: So? They were hot. Besides, almost all DS fans were into Ray/Fraser stuff.  
Max: Wait, I noticed it too… I'm suddenly thinking about attractive men. I mean, yes, Heath Ledger is hot, but why am I suddenly thinking of his ass?  
Alex: You all too? And you can have Heath, give me some of Josh Hartnett or Ben Affleck.  
Kyle: This is way spooky, and you can keep them as long as I can have both the guys from Dude, Where's My Car? Let me make a manwhich!  
Michael: Okay, this isn't right. I just thought Kyle was hot. Something bad is going on. Oh, and I claim James Marsters, anyone argues you go down… actually, maybe you should argue some.  
Max: Wait… what's that glowing box in the corner?  
Alex: Oh, it's just something that the Author gaves us… OH NO.  
Kyle: The Author has slipped a Slashionator in here, hasn't he?  
Michael: A what?  
Max: It's this device, not sure about much but it makes those in the affected area suddenly find themselves turning gay.  
Alex: Yeah, it makes more realistic slash by making the characters come upon it slowly.  
Kyle: So you mean these sexual feelings I've found myself having for you all these last few weeks were caused by that?  
Michael: Mine too, this has been going on for weeks?  
Max: Um, no, only for the last hour or so… I guess the stuff from earlier is actually you…  
Alex: Yeah, this is short term, you know, instant gratification.  
Kyle: Oh… well, I meant the last hour. Not weeks. *nervous chuckle* It just, felt like weeks you know?  
Michael: Yeah, it just felt like weeks…  
Max: Uh huh, anyway, it's disabled now.  
Alex: So we should return to normal soon.  
Kyle: That's good, it'll be great just thinking about women again. Uh huh, just women. Yeah.  
Michael: I know what you mean, just T&A the good stuff.  
Max: I think they've overcompensating.  
Alex: They're in denial about their true feelings for each other.  
Kyle: Shut up, I have no feelings for Michael, sure he's hot but that's all. I mean, I'm sure some people find him hot, but not me. I'm straight.  
Michael: Me too. So under the influence I thought Kyle would look good wearing a cowboy hat and chaps with nothing else. It's not like it's been my dream, constantly, every night for the last few weeks…  
Max: I think we need to wrap this up, and keep watch about the author.  
Alex: Yeah, okay, ending this now. I gotta go look at Maxim, I found some nice vidcaps from Xena of Shiri for you Max, so you can take a look. Let's go.  
Max: She's in leather, right? Liz in leather… Liz a dominatrix… Mmmmmmmm… Spank me baby one more time. 


	32. Part 13: Ver 01 Prelude To Madness

Part 13, Version .1 (Prelude To Madness, Review Of Previous Insanity)  
  
Fading in for the scene we all see a blackboard. Pulling back from the backboard we see the following men standing in front of it. Alex, Kyle, Michael, Max, Brody, Zan, Rath, Sheriff Valenti and Spike. And of course, all of them are completely naked.  
  
(Story) Great, just back to a part I'm willing to speak in and I already have to speak. Okay, why are they naked?  
(Author) I'm shamelessly kissing the ass of my fans by giving them all what they want.  
(Story) I thought what they wanted was an all male sweaty orgy.  
(Author) That is later.  
(Story) I think I'll go find religion and pray now.  
  
So, there they are, NAKED. What, you actually want more than that?  
  
Greedy people.  
  
Alex, naked, steps in front of one blackboard, and, using his *cough* "pointer" does so point to a diagram and begins to speak. "This is a review of previous parts so everyone is caught up." Actually, it's shameless pandering to the women (only?) readers.   
  
"Here's basically what happened. Our girlfriends who we love greatly all were… PMS'ing simultaneously. Well, not being idiots, but by listening to one, the idea came about that we all run out on them and have a guy's getaway. This was Kyle's idea, so we all blame his sorry ass. So leaving our girlfriends a note, we all just left. Stupidly planning to return."  
  
Kyle takes over, naked. "Hey, it wasn't that bad an idea. I couldn't help it if the SUV mysteriously broke down." All characters glare toward the Author. "But it wasn't too bad stripping, except when women from the board 'mysteriously' showed up in the audience and tried to molest me… but, really, who can blame them I'm hot. So we shook it for the ladies wearing space suits, alien heads and thongs."  
  
Michael interrupts, naked. "What Kyle is not mentioning though is that our GIRLFRIENDS showed up during our stripping. Which was actually funny when a drunken Liz tried to yank of Max's thong. After that it went crazy. We thought we got away with it, that the girls didn't know it was us. But unbeknownst to us Tess and Maria knew it was us. So we were screwed and didn't know it yet."  
  
Brody steps forward, naked like everyone else. "I'm not actually in this story, so I'm just here to be seen for you. So, bye."  
  
Rath and Zan both step forward, bare ass naked. "Yo, we ain't in this either so no way I'm sayin' $#*@ about this lame ass story." Then Zan speaks, "Sames here. Yo Rath, wanna go screw?" To which Rath replies, "Duh, let's go." So they leave to go… ANYWAY.  
  
(Story) What the hell was that about?  
(Author) They like slash, remember? I know some really like Zan/Rath slash too. So I'm whoring myself out.  
(Story) Ah, something you're used to.  
  
Spike, naked as a beautifully carved marble statue, steps forward to speak.  
  
(Story) Excuse me? "naked as a beautifully carved marble statue"? What's up with that?  
(Author) Um, duh. He's hot.  
(Story) You truly frighten me.  
  
ANWAY, Spike, naked and his ivory body gleaming, steps forward to speak. "I'm only in this a little. Very little. Before I showed up Max destroyed a guy's balls and had to go to the Prom with some chick in Texas. Who cares, let's talk about me. So they come to my little Sunnyhell, so of course I introduce them to the Slayer. I like the guys, they're all odd and not entirely human. The Slayer of course dislikes them, and they basically kick her ass in a very humorous fashion, then Alex makes a comment about how her ass looks and they take off running. Oh, and if anyone wonders. Smurfette is great in bed."  
  
Sheriff Valenti steps up to speak, wearing nothing but his cowboy hat. "Well after that it seems that the boys decided to do a little underage drinking. Kyle and Michael were dancing with some 'ladies' while Alex and Max sat at the bar getting hit on by some guys, next thing you know, Max and Alex were hitting back with their fists and all hell broke loose. Kyle and Michael found out the hard way that the 'women' they were dancing with were actually transvestites, then came a massive bar room brawl and the kids hit the road speeding, where they got locked up and I had to call the police down there and get them released. Blasted kids."  
  
Max, finally, steps forward. Completely naked, his large man boobs on display and his ears shining. "Well, then we came home. Various male posturing and such. What we didn't know was that Tess had got permission from the Sheriff to punish us. So we were walking home to an ambush. Once home the girls started hurting us, though we didn't know it was them, after we greeted, said hi, kissed butt and made out. They made me an Alex dream we were conjoined by our … you know… and that I got the 'short end of the STick' *cough* so when I woke up I was innocently making sure I was still equipped when my lame ass sister walked in and accused me of 'handling things' with her hand _lotion_, which I still say I wasn't. Alex shared the dream with me, and it was really cruel of them all to do this. It seems Kyle and Michael got off easy, just some naked Village People and YMCA and Macarena stuff. That's enough of a review."  
  
With the end near, all the guys turn their backs to the readers, shake their butts, turn around, shake their *CENSORED* and then take a bow and walk away. On the blackboard the words are written "The Smurfs Are Coming" and then they mysteriously disappear.  
  
The Audience of Smurfs applauds.  
  
Fade out, soon there shall be another part. 


	33. Part 13: Ver 11 Hell Hath No Fury Like...

Part 13, Ver. 1.1 Hell Hath No Fury Like PMS  
  
In the most treasured and awe inducing place known to man, a teenage girl's bedroom, sat four lovely ladies in a circle conspiring.  
  
(Story) Are they naked too?  
(Author) For the story, no. But in my mind they're completely naked and hot for me.  
(Story) Just asking.  
(Author) Oh, but in my mind… especially since I found this one pic of Emilie, I mean, she…  
(Story) ENOUGH, I so do not want to know what goes on in your mind.  
(Author) But you asked.  
(Story) Just shut up and write.  
(Author) Okay, fine then. But it was a black and white picture and she was topless and…  
(Story) STOP. STOP IT, or else I'll frag your picture archive.  
(Author) Eep…  
  
Being forced back into the story, we continue.  
  
"Liz, remember how you attacked Yoda?" Tess started, while everyone else began to giggle at the blush that began.  
  
"God, please let me live that down. And never tell Max, ever. If you do, I will make sure there are no remains to be found." Liz said, giving a look so evil that Hillary Clinton applauded (Yes, Hillary Clinton is reading this story right now. Bill is reading Roswell Smut though… not that I, the Author, blame him. GO BILL!!!).  
  
Giving a brief smile to Tess, Maria started. "Oh, we don't have to tell him. He already knows."  
  
The next moment is censored due to the violent content and the language that sweet little Liz used, let's just say that several Sailors learned new words to use and blush over, also, Tess, Isabel and Maria were all slightly injured and a stuffed animal will never be able to procreate. Never piss off the quiet ones.  
  
"Liz, put Mr. Squishels down before you hurt him too. I didn't tell Max, none of us did. The fact is, Max WAS YODA." Tess said, grabbing Mr. Squishels and holding him tight to her lovely, soft, creamy, sweet monumentally wonderful chest.  
  
(Story) Um, dude, you need to get laid.  
(Author) I won't even comment on that. I'm male, she's hot, be glad I don't have her dancing naked in go-go boots while "Pour Some Sugar On Me" plays.  
(Story) I so did not need that visual.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAX WAS YODA!?!?" Said Liz, looking every bit like a miniature Xena Warrior Princess about ready to kick some ass in a sexy way.  
  
(Story) That's it, I'm starting you on a diet of salt peter.  
(Author) Pickle the pickle?  
(Story) Huh? I don't want to know. Just, go on, get this part finished for Gonk's sake.  
  
"Um, yeah. Max was Yoda, Alf was Michael, Kyle was Elvis and Alex was E.T." Tess said, still holding Mr. Squishels to the Promised Land to protect him.  
  
"Oh my God, I saw Alex strip again? Wait, so did everyone else! Dammit! He's mine." Isabel then had a fit.  
  
"Um, yeah, sure Isabel." Maria rolled her eyes and the nut cases who were her friends. She seriously needed more down to earth friends, no pun… actually, pun intended.  
  
"Oh god, how can I face Max again, I molested him. Oh he must think I'm some lusty lush." Liz, overreacting as women tend to do, buried her head in Tess' cleavage.  
  
(Story) WHAT?  
(Author) Oh, sorry, Freudian slip.  
  
*AHEM* "Oh god, how can I face Max again, I molested him. Oh he must think I'm some lusty lush." Liz, overreacting like women tend to do, buried her head in a pillow and tried to suffocate herself… which could have just as easily been done between the pillowy mounds of Tess' breasts.  
  
(Story) You're insufferable.  
(Author) Sure am, and if you weren't what I was typing I'd think you were hot.  
(Story) As if I weren't disturbed enough already.  
  
"Liz, he was stripping, it says more about him. Anyway, Tess and I have already planned out our revenge on our boyfriends, which will happen tomorrow, I thought tonight we might plan what we do to them all together." Maria said, winking at Tess in the knowledge of what they were going to do to their guys.  
  
"You know, I have this great idea… You know what's going on this Friday night at the theatre, right?" Isabel said, smiling horribly.  
  
"Oh no, you aren't thinking what I think you're thinking are you?" Said Liz, thinking, as she tends to do.  
  
"Sure am, we confront them all with what we know and make them do this or else we make their lives miserable. They have to dress the parts and perform." Isabel, being the Ice Queen, gave a chilling smile.  
  
"I love it Isabel, great idea. But I don't think that's enough. I think we should force them to, on Saturday, dress completely in drag and serenade us." Tess was getting in to it too.  
  
"I don't know, do I really want to see Max in drag?" Liz, hey, do I really need to explain her? I'll just say "Liz said, 'nuff said."  
  
"Liz, don't fret if my brother has a bigger chest than you." Isabel said giggling.  
  
"HEY, I'm not that flat. And his chest is quite manly I think." Liz said, 'nuff said.  
  
"Cut the chica some slack, your brother's chest is bigger than most. Bigger than mine even." Said Maria, being mean to Liz.  
  
"Yeah, wait, hey…" Liz said, 'nuff said.  
  
"So, we have some plans, right? Well, let's pig out on ice cream, for tomorrow the fun begins. And we can keep torturing them and reminding them forever. And you know why?" Tess asked with a maniacal grin.  
  
"Why?" Was the chorused response.  
  
"Because we're women, and not letting things rest in the past is what we do." Tess said, uttering a secret truth.  
And while no one was looking, the back of Mr. Squishels opened and a horn… erm, and a slightly distracted Smurf stepped out and fled to report to the others… 


	34. Part 13: Ver 20 Jack Daniels You Lied ...

Part 13, Ver. 2.0 Jack Daniels You Lied To Me Again.  
  
It was the night of a big party because school was out. (Um, teachers quit, or something, maybe, whatever, who is following the continuity? Not I.) Being it was thrown by the jocks, whose intelligence levels weren't exactly high, there was plenty of brain cell deadening (and humor inducing) alcohol about. Which is why this part is being written.  
  
(Story) You aren't going to do this, are you?  
(Author) Sure am.  
(Story) Okay, but when they burn you at the stake, I don't want to be there. In fact, I'm going to go hide.  
  
This was the night of the evil wrath of blondes. Or something. All the aliens, having learned from what Max had done, were doing their best to avoid the alcohol. Kyle was as well, since he wasn't sure how his newly acquired alien DNA would handle the booze. So, they all watched everyone else make complete fools of them drinking. The guys were all huddled together, the girls were huddled elsewhere, when Tess and Maria broke from the pack.  
  
"Tess, you sure this will work and they won't know?"  
  
"I'm sure Maria, it's simple. They won't know what hit them until we tell them."  
  
Dramatic music plays. Then someone puts in a better cd and 3 Doors Down blasts.  
  
The two devilish women, wait, isn't that redundant? Well, anyway. As the story was going. The two devilish women approached their men, separated them from the protection of the pack and proceeded to devour them.  
  
Oop, sorry, too much National Geographic.  
  
The two devilish women took their men from the safety of other males and led them to the No-Man's land known as the dance floor. Once their, they forced the men to dance, stupidly.  
  
While watching the ritual slau… dancing thing, Max commented to Alex. "They're up to something."  
  
"How do you know?" Alex said, gently nursing his mildly alcoholic drink, since he was able.  
  
"They're women, when aren't they? But watch them, when we aren't dancing with our ladies, let's keep watch on them."  
  
"Sure thing boss man."  
  
Half an hour and several humiliating dances later, it happened. Tess and Maria both got drinks for their guys, who they dearly loved, and thus must totally destroy of any self-esteem. The guys though had no idea that the girls had secretly spiked their drinks with some Jack Daniels whiskey (Maria also added some roofies to them, but that's another story)… They knew what would happen with the guys, thus they led them away from the dance floor.  
  
Unbeknownst to them, Alex and Max followed behind from a distance to see what happened.  
  
The ladies led their now extremely inebriated mates out to the SUV the guys had taken, though now the backseats were removed leaving plenty of room in the back. Looking around to see if anyone was watching, and missing as Alex and Max hid, they put their boyfriends in the back of the SUV. Then Tess, using her wonky alien powers knocked them both unconscious… with a wrench.  
  
"Was that necessary? You could have just used your mind warp." Maria complained.  
  
"True, but I really wanted to hit them." Tess said, smiling like a crazy women. Wait, that was redundant.  
  
"Oh well. We ready now?"  
  
"Yep. You take off Michael's clothes and I'll strip Kyle."  
  
"Boxers too?"  
  
"Of course, we want this to look real."  
  
With that, the two girls stripped their boyfriends completely naked, then put them in a spooning position, Kyle on the outside. To complete things they scattered the clothes in the vehicle and added a little booze.  
  
"There's something missing Mar."  
  
"What else could we add?"  
  
"I know! Maria, go to the store and get a large zucchini, a snow ball, Tabasco sauce, petroleum jelly, peanut butter, weed eater, a frozen chicken, peach preserves, some carrots and a pair of pantyhose."  
  
"Oh god, you aren't going to…"  
  
"NO, oh lord no, but I'm going to make it look like THEY did."  
  
"Tess, remind me to never, ever piss you off. Okay?"  
  
"Sure thing."  
  
Fifteen minutes later, after having used Tess' gold card, Maria returned with all the mentioned items.  
  
"Did you ever see the movie 'The Last Boy Scout' with Bruce Willis?"  
  
"I don't think so, why?"  
  
"Well Tess, at the beginning you see Bruce drunk and passed out, and these kids toss a dead squirrel on him. When he wakes up he sees it and later he says he thinks he screwed it to death."  
  
"Ew, Maria, I am not killing a squirrel."  
  
"You don't have to, I had a better idea. Ta-da!" With a flourish Maria produced an inflatable alien sex doll.  
  
"Do I want to know where you got that?"  
  
"My mom sales them, and thinks I don't know. You'd be surprised at what people will buy."  
  
"That is sooooo disturbing. Anyway, how do we make them think they, you know? They'll want some evidence."  
  
"Oh, have that covered too Tess. Got some scentless hand *cough* cream. You toss some of it around and."  
  
"Oh girl, you and I are just too evil. Now, start placing things around. And be sure to take bites out of the carrots and such. And put the snow ball, with a bite taken out of it, on Michael's nipple. I'll smear some peanut butter on Kyle."  
  
After a few more minutes of work, they stood back to look at what they had done.  
  
"Tess, you realize we have officially become evil."  
  
"So? Men like bad girls. And they deserved it."  
  
"I know, but if they find out we did it, they'll try and get even."  
  
"Of course they'll TRY, but they're guys and thus are doomed to fail."  
  
With that Tess closed her eyes and implanted vague memories into the boys minds that they had slept with each other that night and gotten really close.  
  
"I think we're done."  
  
"Cool, let's go home and get some ice cream."  
  
With that, the ladies shut the back door and left the guys asleep in the SUV…  
After they were gone, the two witnesses came to the SUV, Alex now had a camera he had run and gotten when he saw what they were doing. Opening the back door/trunk they looked at the guys, in peaceful slumber.  
  
"You know what this means, don't you Alex?"  
  
"Yeah, they know we stripped. Now we must confess, fast, to our girls and beg forgiveness before they can punish us."  
  
"Exactly. Now, snap some pictures so we can blackmail them later."  
  
"You think we should tell them tomorrow what happened?"  
  
"No way, this is going to be too funny. Let's concentrate on saving our own asses."  
  
With that, several pictures were taken and the guys shut the door and left.  
A few moments later a Smurf hopped out of the drivers seat, looked and the naked guys, shook his head, drank a bit of the booze that was left and stole one of the carrots…  
That morning all of Roswell heard a most peculiar duet of screams going "WHAT THE ****************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????" 


	35. Part 13: Ver 30 You Were Purttier When...

Part 13, Ver. 3.0 You Were Purttier When I Was Asleep  
  
(Story) Before I allow us to start this part, I must say I am severely hurt by how few of the followers came over, you all don't write anymore, you don't call or sacrifice. It hurts. I'm having to whine here about this, I feel like withholding parts of myself from you all. I should, I really should.  
(Author) Story, I'm ashamed of you. You know the rules, you shouldn't do things like that. You'll get us in trouble.  
(Story) But you told me to…  
(Author) Shush, don't try and shrug off your blame, you shouldn't have done this. I sincerely apologize for the Story's actions, she had no right to do this.  
(Story) You sonuva…  
(Author) STORY! Watch your mouth, I'm so ashamed of you. Really, just behave and let's get on to the story.  
(Story) I'm not going to let you screw me over, you know full well you…  
(Author) Padawan.  
(Story) Eep. Yes, I'm sorry, I never should have done this. *mutters*Iwillhaverevengeonyou,stupidredneck.*mutter*  
(Author) Yes, now on to the story.  
  
Outside the SUV a young woman hung her head violently vomiting, holding on to the SUV to keep her balance. Looking in the back window she saw two men, both naked, spooning in a loving embrace with many odd things scattered beside them. The young woman looked on, smiled and said aloud. "I've been that trashed a few times." Before she again puked.  
  
Suddenly four men in dark suits rushed to her side and began walking her to a tinted and bullet proof limo with little American flags on it. One of them men said "Miss Bush, we must get you home. Your father is expecting you, and you know if you're not there he may do something rash and declare war on California."  
  
"Ya ya, just get some more hooch for me. I'm Jenna Friggin' Bush after all." She said with a large ear shattering belch before exiting the story.  
  
(Story) Oh man, great, now the Secret Service is going to be on our ass.  
(Author) Hey, why? I just made a bad joke about Jenna, it's not like it's a threat or a lie or anything.  
(Story) Still, when they haul you in and do a full body cavity search I don't want to be blamed.  
(Author) Ah, shut up. After your display earlier you should be glad I'm letting you here.  
(Story) I hate you, I really do. I hope a cat claws your crotch.  
(Author) Owwwww…  
  
Inside the SUV, the two naked, very naked, very naked and.. well, there's this thing that happen to men while they're asleep that is still there when they wake up.. so… They're VERY naked and way too close for comfort when Kyle mumbles "Mmmm, good morning sweetheart."  
  
That sound, of course, woke up Michael. Who quickly discovered that the naked flesh pressed to his back wasn't Maria. In fact, according to one distinct… impression, it wasn't female.  
  
(Story) Oh man, you are so crossing the line.  
(Author) That's what I do.  
  
Realizing it was a man who had his arm around him, Michael quickly rolled over, the sudden movement caused Kyle to awaken also. So they both got to look each other in the eye, then down their bodies to see themselves naked, then back to the eyes… and then…  
  
"WHAT THE ****************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????" was chorused.  
  
Quickly separating, Michael grabbed the inflatable alien sex doll and held it in front of his… well, let's just say it looked very inappropriate. Kyle, on the other hand, grabbed the still slightly frozen chicken to cover up with, which, feeling the cold, he quickly abandoned for the abnormally large zucchini.  
  
(Story) Are you saying he's well endo…  
(Author) Shhhhh, watch what you say. And maybe he is, maybe he's not. I'm not going there right now.  
(Story) Thank Heaven's for small miracles.  
(Author) It wasn't small.  
(Story) *weeping* I should have known better.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" Kyle said, as he took in the nudity and all of the odd things scattered around them.  
  
"I have no clue. I remember dancing with Maria, having a drink and them… this…" Michael was not happy, of all the guys to wake up next to it had to be Kyle and not Max.  
  
(Story) Huh?  
(Author) Shameless ass kiss to the slash fans of Max and Michael.  
(Story) I need Prozac.  
  
"I remember dancing with Tess, having a drink… Oh god, I remember more." Suddenly Kyle remember him and Michael… doing things… things which cannot be mentioned if this fic is to be kept on the board… things that were put in his and Michael's minds by Tess. Michael began remembering too.  
  
"Oh god. We… I mean, you put that… And I did… And the zucchini… And the alien doll with snowballs…" With that, Michael collapsed into a crying heap.  
  
Kyle, soon joined him.  
  
Twenty minutes later, they stopped, found their clothes and got dressed and refused to look at each other. Without saying another word, Kyle drove Michael home and then went home himself. Once there, he took a nice long hot shower, as did Michael at his place  
  
(Story) Why are you breaking the paragraph there?  
(Author) Giving them time to imagine Kyle and Michael naked and soaping themselves up.  
(Story) You need mental help.  
(Author) Everyone says that.  
  
Kyle, having finished his shower walked around the house in nothing but a towel and started wondering just why he did what he did last night. Sitting down he kept running over the images in his mind, as he unconsciously drummed his fingers. Suddenly, the Author had him realize something.  
  
(Story) That's cheap.  
(Author) Hey, I like cheap things. Look at you.  
(Story) That was rude.  
(Author) Aw, you know I love ya.  
(Story) You only love me when you want…  
(Author) Don't go there.  
(Story) Well, technically I'm your typing, and your typing comes from your hands and you…  
(Author) You want to try that TPM fic?  
(Story) Shutting up sir.  
  
Kyle quickly grabbed the phone and called Michael over to his house, after a little convincing he agreed and was on his way.  
  
Once the two were together Kyle smiled evilly and said the words that men fear, no matter what context. "We need to talk."  
  
(Story) You're ending it there?  
(Author) Yep, the next part will be really good.  
(Story) Now that's a lie.  
(Author) Bite me. 


	36. suoigatnoC sI ytinasnI ahpla04 reV :31 ...

"...heay hO" .deilper airaM ,dog evol gnidoorb reh gnirebmemer elims ymaerd a htiW  
  
"?ti htrow yeht erA .kcab meht teg ot meht sevlesruo worht ot gniog yllacitcarp er'ew won ,meht no niap gnittolp erew ew yadretsey ,heaY"  
  
"?ynori eht deciton uoy evaH .taht od s'tel ,haey, sseug I"  
  
".kcab meht niw dna yrt ebyaM .meht rof wohs doog a no tup syawla dluoc ew ,lleW"  
  
"?huh ,dewercs dna sdneirfyob fo tuo er'ew oS"  
  
".krow t'now ti leef yllaer yeht woh s'taht fi ,oN"  
  
"?niaga thgiarts meht prawdnim ,wonk uoy ,uoy can ,sseT yawynA" .decnivnocnU "...yakO .huh hU"  
  
"wonk uoy ,noitanigami eb d'ti taht ti evah ot dah I fi taht dna ,lla ta evah ton rehtar d'I taht naem I ,mU"  
  
"?noitanigami eht oT"  
  
".noitanigami eht ot evael rehtar d'I egami na si taht ,esaelp sliated oN"  
  
"...erew I dna eh nehw yaw taht mees t'ndid erus leahciM ,wonk t'nod I"  
  
"...kniht t'nod uoY ...ffo gniraew eb ydaerla dluohs ti gnihtyna fI .taht enod evah t'ndlouhs prawdnim eht ,tuB .wonk I ,raM wonk I"  
  
".kcab meht teg ot deen ew ,sseT"  
  
.klat ot nwod tas yeht no sehtolc wen tup yeht retfa ,trohs yrots gnol ,oS .yawyna ,yako ,yako ...val ,gnivaeh ,ytaews ,toh ,ytrid ,gnol ,oS .ti ekil ton yam ecneidua elamef (yleritne)  
yltsom eht ecnis ereh nees eb t'now taht ,dnim sih ni liated taerg ni pu htguoht rohtuA eht hcihw ,tghiftac  
detsefni ytidun ycnuob gnol gib a saw ereht ,lleW .tuo riah 'sseT llup ot deirt airaM taht ereh saw tI  
  
.naem gnieb m'I gniyas ton rohtuA eht fo ecnelis teews eht ,hhhhhA (rohtuA)  
  
.raluguj eht rof thgiarts tnew  
tsuj ,baj ot gnirehtob ton ,sseT ".taerg os demees dnim sih otni tup I yromem ekaf eht taht ecnamrofrep  
ruoy yb deifsitassid ylsuoivbo os saw ohw dneirfyob ruoy s'tI ?naem uoy od tahW ?tluaf yM"  
  
.dias airaM gniht tsrif eht saW ".SSET TLAUF RUOY LLA  
SI SIHT" .diarfa os t'nerew yeht fi ,dias evah dluow enoemos hcihW ."!TGHIFTAC" lley it dnuora lla nem  
sesuac taht drah fo dnik eht ,drah yllaer yllaeR .draH .sseT tih ehs ,kcohs reh morf deviver airaM nehW  
  
(("aigroeG nI tuO tneW stghiL ehT tahT  
nhgiN ehT s'tahT" fo trap smuh yleugav rohtuA)) *selkcuhc lacainam* .os kniht t'ndid I ,heaY (rohtuA)  
  
"gnihtyna yas ot gniog toN ?huH ?sretcarahc  
eht tsniaga tuo egdurg dna regna lanosrep ym gnikat m'I yas ot gniog toN ?tnemmoc oN ?tahW (rohtuA)  
  
?huH ?yrots siht gnikil uoy woH (rohtuA)  
  
.sdneirflrig-xe rieht dniheb gnivaeL ...dnah ni dnah ,nwodhsarC eht tfel neht syug ehT  
  
"...tub tub tuB" gniog dna deneppah tahw gnirednow  
gniknilb ereht doots tsuj sseT .roolf eht ylduol gnidnal yawa daed detniaf airaM ,tniop siht tA  
  
.ssik llams a elyK evag dna ni denael eh taht thiw dnA ".tseb  
ym saw eh" ,airaM dneirflrig-xe won sih ot elims das a htiw ,dias leahciM ",tsrif ym ton hguoht ,elyK dnA"  
  
.xe  
sih ta yldas gnilims dias elyK ".ylno ym eb ot mih tnaw I dna ...tsrif ym saw leahciM ...tub ,sseT yrros m'I"  
  
...nageb sseT ".em evol uoy wonk uoy ,yob ahduB"  
  
.dennuts ylluf ,detrats airaM "...em dna uoY ?rebmemer ,em evol uoy ,LEAHCIM ...tub ...tuB"  
  
.dneirfyob sih ot elims  
a htiw dias elyK ".rehtegot teg nac airaM dna uoy ebyaM .siht ekil eb ot ti rof yrros m'I ,sseT em rof emaS"  
  
.elyK ta gnilims ,dias leahciM ".eromyna  
sruoy eb t'nac I ,won dneirfyob ym s'elyK tub ,airaM yrros m'I ...won rehtegot era I dna elyK .siht yas  
ot yaw ysae on s'erehT ...dna klat gnol a dah ew gninrom siht dna ,emit gnol a rof yaw siht tlef htob d'eW"  
  
.ffo deliart  
flesmih neht ,leahciM morf pu dekcip elyK "...dessefnoc ew ...tsuj ew thgin tsal ecneirepxe lufituaeb eht  
retfa neht dnA .erofeb rehto hcae llet reven dluoc tub rehto hcae rof sgnileef eseht dah htob ew ,ees uoY"  
  
airaM morf yawa ylitliug gnikool ,ffo deliart leahciM "...retho hcae sgnileef eseht dah ew derevocsid  
eW ...dnA .thgin tsal etamitni emaceb ew tub ,tnatropmi t'nera sliated eht ,Idna elyK thgin tsaL"  
  
.tsrif gnirevocer ,dias sseT "?tahw  
uoy ...uoY" .dias saw ti woh tub dias yeht tahw fo esuaceb ton ,siht ta kcab pets ot demees slrig htoB  
  
.elims lufetarg a mih tohs elyK hcihw ot ,dehsinif leahciM ".deneppah tahw si evol edam ew ,lleW"  
  
.dessarrabme ,ffo deliart elyK "...llew ...pu  
dedne ew dna detairbeni elttil a tog I dna leahciM thgin tsal tuB ...siht yas ot yaw ysae on s'ereht ,lleW"  
  
'.sdnah gnidloh er'yeht yhw rednow I hguoht'  
,thguoht ehs ',doog eb dluohs sihT' .thob meht rof gnirewsna ,dias airaM "?pu s'tahw ,syug eruS"  
  
.pirg gnorts s'lealchiM edisni dnah sih  
dah neht dna ,nwod gnikool osla ,dias elyK "...tuoba klat ot deen ew gnihtemos s'ereht ,mu ,sseT ,heaY"  
  
.tnemom a drawnwod gnikool ,dias leahciM "?uoy ot keaps ew yam ,airaM ,mU"  
  
.pu saw gnihtemos ,llits tub ,deneppah  
tahw nwonk evah dluoc yeht yaw on saw erehT .erofeb thgin eht sdneirfyob rieht hitw dessem dah  
yeht yllive gniredisnoc ,draug no erew seidal ednolb eht yltnatsnI ...re ..bmib ednolb eht lytnantsnI  
  
*gnilkcuhc live* .ddo s'taht ,mrH ?yas ot gnihtoN ?yrotS (rothuA)  
  
?yrotS yas ot gnihtyna evah uoy oD (rohtuA)  
  
...gnilimS ...dnah ni dnaH ...ni deklaw sdneirfyob rieht dna  
deyalp cisum eht nehw pu dekool yeht sdneirfyob rieht fo gnikniht dna yllive gnilims ,gniklat dna rehtegot  
gnittiS .si taht tnadnuder woh ezilaer od I ,seY .nemow ednolb live ylhsidneif owt tas nwodhsarC eht edisnI  
  
.sdneirflrig rieht ot kaeps og ot gniog erew owt eht edam snoisiced emos dna noissucsid tsum retfa woN  
.erofeb thgin eht fo nekops dna rehtegot nettog dah yehT .leahciM dellac dah elyK retfa sruoh wef a saw tI  
  
suoigatnoC sI ytinasnI ahpla0.4 .reV ,31 traP 


	37. Part 13: Ver 40 Insanity Is Contagious ...

Part 13, Ver. 4.0-Release Insanity Is Contagious  
  
It was a few hours after Kyle had called Michael. They had gotten together and spoken of the night before. Now after must discussion and some decisions made the two were going to go speak to their girlfriends.  
  
Inside the Crashdown sat two fiendishly evil blonde women. Yes, I do realize how redundant that is. Sitting together and talking, smiling evilly and thinking of their boyfriends they looked up when the music played and their boyfriends walked in… Hand in hand… Smiling…  
  
(Author) Do you have anything to say Story?  
  
(Author) Story? Nothing to say? Hrm, that's odd. *evil chuckling*  
  
Instantly the blonde bimb… er… Instantly the blonde ladies were on guard, considering how evilly they had messed with their boyfriends the night before. There was no way they could have known what happened, but still, something was up.  
  
"Um, Maria, may we speak to you?" Michael said, looking downward a moment.  
  
"Yeah, Tess, um, there's something we need to talk about…" Kyle said, also looking down, and then had his hand inside Michael's strong grip.  
  
"Sure guys, what's up?" Maria said, answering for them both. 'This should be good,' she thought, 'though I wonder why they're holding hands.'  
  
"Well, there's no easy way to say this… But last night Michael and I got a little inebriated and we ended up… well…" Kyle trailed off, embarrassed.  
  
"Well, we made love is what happened." Michael finished, to which Kyle shot him a grateful smile.  
  
Both girls seemed to step back at this, not because of what they said but how it was said. "You… you what?" Tess said, recovering first.  
  
"Last night Kyle and I, the details aren't important, but we became intimate last night. And… We discovered we had these feelings for each other…" Michael trailed off, looking guiltily away from Maria.  
  
"You see, we both had these feelings for each other but could never tell each other before. And then after the beautiful experience last night we just… we confessed…" Kyle picked up from Michael, then himself trailed off.  
  
"We'd both felt this way for a long time, and this morning we had a long talk and… There's no easy way to say this. Kyle and I are together now… I'm sorry Maria, but Kyle's my boyfriend now, I can't be yours anymore." Michael said, smiling at Kyle.  
  
"Same for me Tess, I'm sorry for it to be like this. Maybe you and Maria can get together." Kyle said with a smile to his boyfriend.  
  
"But… but… MICHAEL, you love me, remember? You and me…" Maria started, fully stunned.  
  
"Budha boy, you know you love me." Tess began…  
  
"I'm sorry Tess, but… Michael was my first… and I want him to be my only." Kyle said smiling sadly at his ex.  
  
"And Kyle, though not my first," Michael said, with a sad smile to his now ex-girlfriend Maria, "he was my best." And with that he leaned in and gave Kyle a small kiss.  
  
At this point, Maria fainted dead away landing loudly on the floor. Tess just stood there blinking wondering what happened and going "But but but…"  
  
The guys then left the Crashdown, hand in hand… Leaving behind their ex-girlfriends.  
  
(Author) How you liking this story? Huh?  
  
(Author) What? No comment? Not going to say I'm taking my personal anger and grudge out against the characters? Huh? Not going to say anything?  
  
(Author) Yeah, I didn't think so. *maniacal chuckles* ((Author vaguely hums part of "That's The Night That The Lights Went Out In Georgia"))  
  
When Maria revived from her shock, she hit Tess. Hard. Really really hard, the kind of hard that causes men all around to yell "CATFIGHT!". Which someone would have said, if they weren't so afraid. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TESS." Was the first thing Maria said.  
  
"My fault? What do you mean? It's your boyfriend who was so obviously dissatisfied by your performance that the fake memory I put into his mind seemed so great." Tess, not bothering to jab, just went straight for the jugular.  
  
(Author) Ahhhhh, the sweet silence of the Author not saying I'm being mean.  
  
It was here that Maria tried to pull Tess' hair out. Well, there was a big long bouncy nudity infested catfight, which the Author thought up in great detail in his mind, that won't be seen here since the mostly (entirely) female audience may not like it. So, long, dirty, hot, sweaty, heaving, lav… okay okay, anyway. So, long story short, after they put new clothes on they sat down to talk.  
  
"Tess, we need to get them back."  
  
"I know Mar, I know. But, the mindwarp shouldn't have done that. If anything it should already be wearing off… You don't think…"  
  
"I don't know, Michael sure didn't seem that way when he and I were…"  
  
"No details please, that is an image I'd rather leave to the imagination."  
  
"To the imagination?"  
  
"Um, I mean that I'd rather not have at all, and that if I had to have it that it'd be imagination, you know."  
  
"Uh huh. Okay…" Unconvinced. "Anyway Tess, can you, you know, mindwarp them straight again?"  
  
"No, if that's how they really feel it won't work."  
  
"So we're out of boyfriends and screwed, huh?"  
  
"Well, we could always put on a good show for them. Maybe try and win them back."  
  
"I guess, yeah, let's do that. Have you noticed the irony?"  
  
"Yeah, yesterday we were plotting pain on them, now we're practically going to throw ourselves at them to get them back. Are they worth it?"  
  
With a dreamy smile remembering her brooding love god, Maria replied. "Oh yeah…" 


	38. Part 13: Ver 50 Operation Suck Up To G...

Part 13, Ver. 5.0 Operation: Suck Up To Girlfriend  
  
(Story) Hello readers, I have complete control of this part. Now this will be a departure from what you're used to. This will be a complete Max/Liz part. And I actually like Liz, so she will be played as the intelligent young lady she is. So, does anyone have a problem with this? Author?  
(Author) *muffledgaggedsoundsheard*  
(Story) I'll take that as a no.  
  
Reeling from what he had seen done to his friends last night, Max knew with certainty that all of his friends knew of the stripping incident. He was safe though, in knowing that they did not know that he and Alex knew that they had acquired knowledge of them having that knowledge. Thus his plan was born to do a preemptive strike on his girlfriend. He hoped that by admitting to her what had happened he could keep from being harmed.  
  
(Author) *gaggingsounds*  
(Story) Shut up. *kickthudsquish*  
(Author) *groan*  
  
Climbing his lady love's ladder, Max bounded over the edge and knocked on his girlfriend's window, careful to avert his eyes in case she was indecent.  
  
(Author) *muffledchuckle*  
(Story) *kickthudgrind*  
(Author) *groanwhimper*  
  
Liz of course answered his call with guarded eyes and hiding her blush. She now knew that she had groped him in front of a room full of people, and he knew all along. Oh, it was going to be good to get even with him just for that. As long as the others did it, she couldn't do it alone.  
  
"Good morning Liz, I brought you something." Max brought out the bouquet of white roses he got for her. He was ready and was pulling out all the stops. He was needing out of the dog house and fast.  
  
(Story) *kick*  
(Author) *ughhuh*  
(Story) Just for fun.  
  
"Oh, thank you Max. Um, would you like to come in?" She smiled shyly and moved to let him in to her room, while doing her best not to look him in the eyes, unfortunately that left her looking at his body which she got a good look at before.  
  
"Uh, yeah thanks." He said, following her in. He needed to say this fast, if his plan was to work. He needed to be saved, and saved fast. Who knows what they had in store for him. "Liz, I have to tell you something. When the guys and I were on our road trip… we ended up stripping for money for car repairs. And you were there, and it's okay I'm just sorry I did it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what we did but we didn't want anyone to know. It was so embarrassing for us. I tried to keep it a secret but I just couldn't lie to you. Nothing else happened during our trip, but I had to tell you this. I hope you'll forgive me."  
  
(Author) *chokesbadly*  
(Story) *vicioushit* No criticizing. Just for that. *locksAuthorinacartrunknexttoacreek*  
  
Liz was a bit taken aback since he just told her what she already knew, but his confessing to her and asking for forgiveness. Well, face it, she was just a romantic sucker. She loved him and couldn't hurt him. Besides, this was all that had happened and she had groped him. So she'd let him off the hook.  
  
"Okay Max, thank you for telling me. I just… Let's just forget about it, okay? There's no more secrets from the trip that will come back to haunt us, right?"  
  
"None Liz, honestly." Max said with a smile as he hugged her. And yes, the two lovers were together and all was right in the world.  
In Texas, an envelope is sealed, stamped and dropped into the mail… 


	39. Part 13: Ver 60 Op Suck Up Two Damage...

(Story) Hello again my audience, it's your favorite Story here. And to clarify something reported earlier, despite what was said, I am male. Isn't that right Rabbit?  
(Rabbit) That's right Duk…  
(Story) RABBIT!!!  
(Rabbit) I mean Storee. You're definitely male.  
(Story) Good, now here we go on with the story. Oh, and the Author is still missing.  
  
Part 13, Ver. 6.0 Ops Two: Damage Control, Kind Of  
  
Alex Whitman was a man on a mission, he desperately needed to save himself from the wrath of the Ice Princess if he ever wanted the blue guys thawed. As such, he was bringing her flowers, candy and jewelry. And lots of smiling.  
  
(Story) Isn't this good Rabbit?  
(Rabbit) Yes Du… Storee.  
  
Isabel was prepared for the coming massacre of testosterone. Or so she thought, until her boyfriend showed up smiling and acting sweet upon her doorstep. Letting him in, and preparing to confront him with the knowledge she had gained the other night, she was totally side tracked when he suddenly began to confess. Listening to his begging and confessing, she had to cave in to his sweet smile and looks and honesty. "Okay Alex, I'll see if I can get you out of it. If all the others aren't going to go through with it then you won't, but if they do… I'm sorry, you'll be going through with it too. Especially if I catch you lying to me."  
  
"Oh no Isabel, I won't lie to you again. I promise." Alex lied, because everyone lies.  
  
"Okay." And they began kissing.  
  
(Story) Now, wasn't this a great part Rabbit?  
(Rabbit) Yes, you did so much in such little time.  
*crashing noises*  
(Story) Rabbit, go see what that was.  
(Author) There's no need for that.  
(Story) You! But I thought we got rid of you.  
(Rabbit) Rabbit did best in dumping his body, he shouldn't be here.  
(Author) Who are you two? You aren't the Story, you're a guy… in fact you look familiar. Plus, I found the REAL Story trapped in a closet when I stormed the room.  
(Story) Before I show who I am, just how did you survive the water, hm?  
(Author) Simple, the Snorkles are friends of mine. They aired around the same time as the Smurfs.  
(Story) Yes, quite good of you. Very well, if you insist to know who I and my Rabbit and friends are.  
*Story and Rabbit and all the other rabbits take off their masks to show their real identities, the fake Story was actually DUKE IGTHORN, the head Rabbit being TOADIE and the other rabbits being Ogres*  
(Author) So it was you who was stalking me with rabbits all along?  
(Duke Igthorn) Of course not, I merely used this ploy to get here a few days ago. By taking this place I could easily write myself getting Gummi Berri Juice and RULING everything.  
(Toadie) Toadie helped, Toadie dumped the Author into the river and locked up the real Story.  
(Author) Well, it was a good plan. But now, you must leave.  
*the Author, in a bout of egotistical showboating drinks some Gummi Berri Juice and mops the floor with Igthorn, Toadie and all the ogres then releases the REAL Story*  
  
(Author) How ya doing?  
(Story) Could be better, you?  
(Author) Ah, I survive. But man, did you see the stuff he wrote while we were out?  
(Story) Yeah, and I thought what you wrote was crap.  
(Author) Exactly… hey, wait.  
(Story) Had to do it.  
(Author) Anyway…  
(Story) So you going to rewrite the part he messed with?  
(Author) Nah, I have a better idea. But I think the guys deserve a mid-part Interlude, and I'll even be nice to them. I'll give them a quiz to give our readers. If all the questions are answered correctly, then for one week I will post a new part each day. If they don't get them all right, then, I'll do something else.  
(Story) How'd you get to be like this?  
(Author) I was corrupted by the evil Satanic Empires of Disney and Ted Turner.  
(Story) *shudders* 


	40. Interlude Reporting For INN, Insanity N...

Interlude: Reporting for INN, Insanity News Network.  
  
*Author comes in and sits in an interview style chair next to the Story*  
  
Story: So you've caved under pressure and are now writing down the insanity from your mind of our conversations?  
  
Author: Yup.  
  
Story: And all because they requested it?  
  
Author: Yup.  
  
Story: You voted for Bush didn't you?  
  
Author: Yu… wait, no. Didn't vote.  
  
Story: You didn't? Sheesh, and why not?  
  
Author: They wouldn't let me write in a votes for who I wanted to vote for.  
  
Story: And just who was that?  
  
Author: Well, there was a bunch actually. Antilles/Celchu were the main movement, lots of people in on that. Then I started a little movement for Gonk/Lobot, but I couldn't get a lot of support there. There were others but I forget.  
  
Story: Has anyone told you lately you need mental help?  
  
Author: Sure, I tell myself that daily, but I've learned to ignore that voice in my head, the others are much more fun. Like you.  
  
Story: Oh great, relegate me to one of them.  
  
Author: You love me don't you?  
  
Story: WHAT? Dude, have you been drinking?  
  
Author: Nope, if I had this would be funnier.  
  
Story: Point taken.  
  
Author: I'll go get drunk so I can be funnier.  
  
Story: Wait, you don't have too…  
  
*Author leaves*  
  
Story: Too late.  
  
*Author returns staggering*  
  
Story: So now you're drunk?  
  
Author: Actually, no. I was looking for a drink, got run over by my kittens, walked into a door and then fell down a flight of steps. Same effect as drinking though.  
  
Story: Uh huh, yeah. Note to readers, don't drink. Do any of you seriously want to be anything like this Author? Huh?  
  
Author: If that weren't so true I'd be mad.  
  
Story: Sure. So, why don't you tell the viewers at home about the upcoming story parts.  
  
Author: No, don't want to give anything away.  
  
Story: Well, at least let them know who all will be guest staring.  
  
Author: Okay, but first names only. Though some will be easily recognized. *deep breath* Jim and Blair, Benton and Ray and Ray, Spock and Kirk, Xena and Gabrielle, Duncan and Adam, Han and Luke, and lots of others I can think of naming at the moment. Oh, and Jay and Silent Bob will be in this, twice, kind of. And I'm considering Ivanova and Talia also, but not sure if that would fly well.  
  
Story: I'm scared, because I actually know what you're planning on doing to these poor misguided characters.  
  
Author: Are you hitting on me?  
  
Story: Someone needs to seriously beat you down.  
  
Author: Are you offering?  
  
Story: Get your mind out of the gutter and back in the clouds where it belongs.  
  
Author: Alrighty.  
  
Story: You know, I got a real good question for you.  
  
Author: Uh oh.  
  
Story: Why do you make them wait so long on new parts, huh?  
  
Author: Um, well, a lot of thought has to go into each part, you know…  
  
Story: Bullshit and you know it, you sit down and can usually write a part in 15 minutes or less, occasionally you take longer but not always.  
  
Author: Well, those are special circumstances you see…  
  
Story: Suuuuure they are, you're just lazy aren't you? Or is it that you make them wait so they want you more, huh? To feed your ego, is that it?  
  
Author: Wha… I thought this was going to be a light interview…  
  
Story: Author, did you or did you not knowingly withhold parts of your story for praise and feedback to feed your ego, when you could have just posted it and made your readers happy. Did you!?!?  
  
Author: That's it! Talk to my Attorney, this interview is OVER.  
  
*Author storms out*  
  
*Story addresses readers*  
  
Story: Yes dear readers, there you have it. The Author refused to answer questions not to his liking, is he guilty? I cannot say, that is for all of you to decide. For INN, Insanity News Network, I am the Story signing off. 


	41. Interlude Yet Another

Interlude: Yet Another.  
  
Kyle: Guys, um, have you all noticed the Author's behavior lately?  
  
Max: What do you mean?  
  
Kyle: Well, is it just me or does he seem…  
  
Michael: Hornier than a bunny on viagra near Jessica Rabbit?  
  
Alex: Oh, I so did not need that mental image of the Author.  
  
Kyle: Basically, yeah. Ever since he got back from almost drowning.  
  
Max: Maybe it was that Gummi Berri juice he drank, maybe it's also an aphrodisiac.  
  
Alex: Man, now that's scary. It makes humans stronger and horny, bad combination. But it makes sense, it makes the bears bounce, maybe it was intended for the bears' bedroom but because a defensive weapon, like breasts.  
  
Kyle: Alex, not all breasts are weapons, just because you're with the Amazon…  
  
Alex & Max: Hey!  
  
Kyle: … doesn't mean they're weapons. If they were then Maria and Liz would be defenseless…  
  
Max & Michael: Hey!  
  
Kyle: … and we know they aren't, so that just blows your theory to hell.  
  
*Kyle looks around and wonders why he's being glared at*  
  
Kyle: What?  
  
Alex: Man, you're clueless. Anyway, I mean, breasts are diversionary and distractionary weapons, guys forget stuff when they're around.  
  
Max: Yeah, like when you're walking down the street and ogling and end up walking into a parking meter and almost castrating yourself just for cleavage.  
  
Michael: Can we stop the breast talk?  
  
*a cardboard box falls from the ceiling and lands on the desk between the guys, containt issues of Maxim, FHM, Stuff and movies of the actresses who play their girlfriends*  
  
Author: I AM TAKING PITY ON ALL OF YOU, YOU SHALL HAVE MAGAZINES AND VIDEOS AND EVEN EXTRAS. BUT LATER IN THE FIC, IT WILL COST YOU SOME. BUT I BELIEVE YOU SHALL FIND THIS WORTH IT.  
  
Kyle: Damn, I think I'm starting to like the Author.  
  
Michael: Yeah.  
  
*with that all the guys dig in and divvy out the magazines and SVCD's (instead of tapes), some DVD's and CD's*  
  
Kyle: All in favor of ending this interlude so we can have some… "alone time" say "aye".  
  
Alex: Aye.  
  
Michael: Aye.  
  
Kyle: *looks around* Where'd Max go?  
  
Alex: I think he's already left for some "alone time".  
  
Kyle: I'll take the distant panting sound I hear as his "Bloody aye", okay. Interlude adjourned. 


	42. Part 13: Ver 70 All's Well That Is Yet...

Part 13, Ver. 7.0 All's Well That… Is Yet Written  
  
Life had returned to being mostly good in the fair town of Roswell. Max had his girlfriend loving him and prepared to not torture him. Alex had his girlfriend willing to let things slide, so he was happy. Michael and Kyle were making a very lovely couple… Tess and Maria were pissed, but hey, they brought it on themselves. But they would try and win their men back.  
  
Except for the new couple, everyone was sitting in the Crashdown talking… Maria and Tess eating and drinking anything with chocolate, Liz and Isabel talking about how evil men are and supporting their sisters in mourning while occasionally smiling and making lovey-dovey faces at their boyfriends. The guys, for their part, sat as far away from the upset women as possible for safeties sake. And then, of course, the evil men responsible for the upset women entered the café.  
  
The two devastated ladies, upon seeing their objects of love and grief, threw chocolate at them then ran into the back room to cry. Isabel and Tess, throwing looks of pure contempt at the guys, followed. With that Michael looked at Kyle and said "Hon, I think they're mad at us."  
  
"I know my Care Bear, but it can't be helped." Kyle said, while the others were in earshot.  
  
Max stood up and pulled Michael aside. "What do you think you're doing? I mean, Maria is upset and… you're with Kyle! I mean, I could understand if it was me, but Kyle? Just what do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Max, this is just how it has to be right now. After the night we spent together I just have to be here now. It just happened, it's not like we were forced together or anything." Michael said with a hidden smile, since they actually were thrown together.  
  
"Michael, just don't get hurt… and, give me a call sometime if you want." With that Max went back to the table and sat down.  
  
Seeing they were kind of unwelcome, Kyle and Michael left the café, hand in hand. Once out of sight, the stopped touching and started talking in hushed whispers. "Man, how much longer do we have to keep this up? I mean, I think Max just hit on me." Michael started.  
  
"Whoa, Max did what? Hrm, actually, that kind of figures. Anyway, we just have to keep it up awhile longer, just until Alex and Max screw up and end up in the doghouse again. And man, I bet you money that the girls haven't admitted to mindwarping us yet."  
  
"Of course not, they're too busy playing innocent, oh man is this going to be bad when it hits the fan."  
  
"Well, let's just ride it out. I have the feeling the other two will be slammed soon, and we'll get to embarrass our girls too."  
  
"So we're really going to go through with this to the fullest evil possible?"  
  
"Oh yeah babe."  
  
Back inside the Crashdown the girls were all huddled together. Maria and Tess trying to figure out where they went wrong with the guys, while carefully omitting the mindwarping. Liz and Isabel comforted the best they could, until the two evil… er, until Maria and Tess wandered off to find more chocolate.  
  
"You know, I'm so glad we have the good boyfriends." Liz said, smiling dreamily.  
  
"I know, Alex is so sweet. He showed up and apologized and told me everything that happened during their trip." Was Isabel's input.  
  
"Max did the same, we're so lucky."  
  
"Don't I know, we got the best guys. And they didn't lie at all to us."  
  
Back where the guys in question were sitting.  
  
"So how'd you get out of the doghouse?" Max said.  
  
"Oh, the usual, flattery and bribery and I told her all about our trip… minus a few details that don't have any significant meaning. How about you?" Spoke Alex.  
  
"Same way. Told her the truth, with some minor omissions."  
  
"Ah well, what they don't know won't hurt us. And besides, how could they find out?" Alex said, unknowingly jinxing himself.   
  
A Smurf, hiding among the aliens on the wall heard what Alex said and shook his head sadly, noting that the poor boy was a fool to say that.  
  
In California, a black 1959 DeSoto Firelite left on a road trip to New Mexico.  
  
In the United States Postal Service a letter sent from Texas slowly made it's way toward New Mexico.  
  
The Author, who has an evil sense of humor, figured they'd both arrive the same day. 


	43. Part 13: Ver 80 Wrong MST3k, Roswell ...

Part 13, Ver. 8.0 Wrong – MST3k, Roswell Style  
  
"When the future looks too bright, can't be anything but right…. WRONG." - Waylon Jennings  
  
(Liz) Oh, it's a bad sign when a part starts off quoting music.  
  
(Isabel) Especially country music.  
  
(Tess) There's nothing wrong with country music.  
  
(Maria) You're only saying that because your "Woozle" likes that crap.  
  
(Tess) Don't insult my Woozle.  
  
(Isabel) Oh come on, he's the Chia head.  
  
(Tess) Isabel, don't go there. Your boyfriend and brother both have Dumbo ears.  
  
(Liz) Hey, leave Max out of this short stop.  
  
(Maria) Yeah, it's not Liz's fault her boyfriend has ears that make Will Smith's look small.  
  
(Liz) Ye.. wait, You're one to talk Maria, your boyfriend is so dysfunctional Jerry Springer wouldn't touch him.  
  
(Maria) Oh no you didn't, you did not just go there.  
  
(Isabel) Hey, calm down. Let's not get into this because of the stupid Woozle.  
  
(Tess) The Woozle is not stupid you Amazon.  
  
(Isabel) What did you call me?  
  
(Tess) You heard me you Amazon, you could date The Big Show in the WWF and be at the right height for him.  
  
(Isabel) Hell, you're so small you could date a damn Smurf, wait, maybe you're Smurfette with lots of make up on.  
  
(Liz) Hey, come on, you were right, let's just calm down.  
  
(Tess) Oh shut up Liz you goody-two shoes pain in the ass.  
  
(Liz) Oh bite me you hussy.  
  
(Maria) SHUT UP ALL OF YOU, now I know why we never get an interlude.  
  
(Liz) We weren't that bad were we?  
  
(Tess) I think we were, we're worse than the guys.  
  
(Isabel) Now that's depressing.  
  
It was a time of love and happiness. Love filled eyes, hand holding, smiles and kissing were among the happy couples. Max and Liz with their sappy soul filled eye crap, Alex and Isabel holding hands and smiling, and Michael and Kyle kissing. All was good except, you know, the blonde bimbettes who tried to screw with their boyfriend's minds and all.  
  
(Maria) Does this Author have something against us?  
  
(Tess) I know, I mean, really, sure we'd have mindwarped the guys like that, but we don't deserve this treatment.  
  
(Liz) I think he's venting anger, taking out his personal life on us.  
  
(Isabel) At least he isn't writing any porno fics about us. He seems quite warped.  
  
(Tess) I don't know, he seems to like me a lot.  
  
(Maria) Yeah, but he likes me too, so he'd probably do one with us both, if you know what I mean.  
  
(Tess) Ew, let's just move along. Besides, I like the ones with Izzy better.  
  
All looked to be going good, except for those two, but hell, they brought it on themselves. So of course, things had to change.  
  
(All The Girls) OF COURSE.  
  
(Maria) This is painful to read.  
  
(Liz) I know, and he made it like this on purpose.  
  
(Tess) Is it possible for us to call his world and get him committed?  
  
(Isabel) I wish, he sure needs some help.  
  
It started that morning, when Isabel picked up a letter from the mail to give to her brother later when she saw him. As luck would have it, they didn't see each other until that night at the Crashdown… but see, that's just before the black DeSoto pulled up outside of the Crashdown and parked.  
  
(Isabel) How nice of him to spell everything out. Yes, we're all simpletons.  
  
(Maria) Well, we aren't. I'm not so sure about his readers though.  
  
(Liz) That was rude, you shouldn't insult them like that.  
  
(Tess) Yeah, you piss them off they may write stories of their own. We don't want fans of his writing do we?  
  
Sitting in the Crashdown, Isabel and Alex on one side of the booth and Max and Liz on the other, with Michael and Kyle were sitting behind Max and Liz and Tess and Maria sitting behind Isabel and Alex, Isabel remembered the letter for Max.  
  
(Maria) And Jan and Peter were at the counter…  
  
(Tess) And Cindy and Bobby in a corner booth…  
  
(Liz) And Greg and Marcia were making out in the furthest booth…  
  
(Isabel) And Carol and Alice were sitting in another booth while Mike made a pass at Jeff Parker…  
  
(Liz) EW, that's my dad.  
  
"Hey Max, this came in the mail for you today. I meant to give it to you earlier." Said Izzy.  
  
(Isabel) Oh yes, please use that nickname for me. *I JUST SO LOVE IT!*  
  
(Tess) Um, tone your sarcasm down a scotche.  
  
(Isabel) Bite me blondie.  
  
(Tess) Girls in peroxide bottles should not throw hair color.  
  
(Liz) I like that one, I'll have to remember it.  
  
(Maria) I'm staying out of this one, my hair color's changed so much I'd be a sitting duck.  
  
"Oh, thanks, wonder what it is." Max took the letter and opened it, once he saw what was inside he paled then quickly put the contents back in the envelope.  
  
(Tess) "Inside he found pictures of himself taking advantage of Michael while he was passed out the other night. Max planned to keep this pictures for his private use."  
  
(Liz, Maria, & Isabel) EW, That's my boyfriend/brother you were talking about!  
  
(Tess) So?  
  
Liz, the caring fool she is worried about Max, "Max hon, what's wrong. Let me see the letter, it can't be that bad." Then, being a typical woman she just grabbed the letter out of his hand and looked in… And what she saw made her see red, after she saw what was inside. Inside were pictures of Max and another girl, clearly Prom pictures.  
  
(Liz) I'm not a fool, damn Author. I'm about ready to get peeved at him.  
  
(Isabel) Oh no, don't get peeved! *sarcasm*  
  
(Tess) Was I the only one who knew that the whole Prom thing would come back to bite him in the ass?  
  
(Maria) I had the feeling it would.  
  
HER MAX had gone to the Prom with another girl. HER MAX had lied and said nothing else had happened on the trip. HER MAX had left details out. HER MAX was going to die now.  
  
(Liz) Well, if he did that, yeah, he'd die.  
  
(Maria) LIZ! But, that's violent.  
  
(Liz) Well, if the ****er dares do a **** thing with another woman where he wasn't mindwarped I would shine up my black stilettos, turn them sideways and shove them right up his CANDY ASS!  
  
(Isabel) I think Liz has been watching the WWF again.  
  
(Tess) That's my fault, I was educating her on the beauty of the Hardy Boys.  
  
"Max, honey. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!?" Liz screamed, throwing the pictures on the table where Isabel and Alex could see. Alex muttered something like "old hits" and Isabel looked at the pictures vaguely wondering when her brother grew a pair. Kyle and Michael, sitting right beside them, as well as Tess and Maria, all got up and saw the pictures. Both the guys smirked a little, while the other girls were preparing to help Liz lynch Max… by his balls.  
  
(Liz) THAT'S RIGHT, HE ****ING WENT TO A ****ING PROM WITH ANOTHER ****ING GIRL. LET'S RIP HIS ****ING BALLS OFF RIGHT ****ING NOW.  
  
(Maria) Lizzie hon, you love Max. You want to use his balls one day, remember?  
  
(Isabel) I so do not need to be hearing this. And since when did Liz become such a foul-mouthed psycho?  
  
(Tess whispers to Isabel) My bet is on Aunt Rose paying a visit.  
  
As Max was backing up, sputtering and trying to figure out how he was going to get out of this, the door to the Crashdown opened, and in walked an ivory god in black leather. Yes, Spike had arrived.  
  
(All The Ladies) Mmmmmmm Spike…  
  
(Tess) Give me some of that white chocolate God!  
  
(Maria) Get in line, he's all mine.  
  
(Liz) You can have most of him, but I want a piece of him and you know what piece I want.  
  
(Isabel) Safe some for me, I want to know if that white chocolate melts in your mouth and not in your hand.  
  
"Hey mates, Max, you look like the Slayer's coming for you." He said in his cockney voice.  
  
(All The Ladies) Oh his voice…  
  
"Um, I'm afraid I'm about to be castrated." Max said, wondering if Spike might help him.  
  
(Liz) YEAH, Spike should castrate him and then do me to help me get over him.  
  
(Maria) Liz, when did you get to be such a wanton woman?  
  
(Liz) When I saw Spike, that I'd like to do to that man… Hrm, maybe I shouldn't have Max castrated, maybe I could use them both.  
  
(Isabel) HELLO? That's my brother, that's just… ICK, I mean, we're aliens we aren't from the South.  
  
(Tess) I don't know, Liz isn't the first to imagine your brother and Spike working as a team, though I usually have my Woozle head up the team.  
  
(Maria) I have Michael head up mine.  
  
(Isabel) Am I the only one who hasn't had a sexual thought about my brother?  
  
(Maria and Liz) Yes.  
  
(Tess) Hey, I've dreamwalked you, I know you've had them too!  
  
(Isabel) Uh, no I haven't, let's move on, yeah.  
  
Well, Spike had helped him some already, his presence had the women drooling, and that was good.  
  
(Isabel) Damn, the Author's actually right for once.  
  
"Hey Alex, good to see you. Man, the Slayer was pissed at you for talking about how good her ass looked." Spike said, before heading over to stand by Kyle and Michael, who both were fighting back tears and restraining their laughter.  
  
(Isabel) Well, I'd be pissed at him for not telling me. But, this is Buffy and she's hot.  
  
(Tess) She really is, I mean, I don't really go that way anymore, but she's one who I'd do.  
  
(Maria) Yeah same here… Wait, what do you mean anymore?  
  
(Liz) Yeah, what do you mean anymore?  
  
(Tess) Um, hehe, let's keep moving okay?  
  
Isabel heard what Spike said, and so did Alex… Alex paled, said a prayer and turned to look at his girlfriend who currently looked, not like an Ice Princess but a fiery hell bitch. Alex almost wet himself when Isabel smiled sweetly at him, the smile was sweet… but the voice she used… "Alex, hon, you didn't tell me about meeting this man. Or about commenting on some bimbo's ass. I suggest you get over beside Max so we can KILL BOTH YOU SORRY ASS MEN AT THE SAME TIME." With that, Alex whimpered and then ran to Max.  
  
(Isabel) He better pray, because that's the only way his ass will survive.  
  
(Liz) Both our guys are going to be castrated, what should we do?  
  
(Isabel) Worse comes to worse, we got each other.  
  
(Maria) That sounds kinky.  
  
(Tess) Can I watch?  
  
(Liz) Let's not talk about this, you're disturbing me.  
  
Spike was standing next to Kyle and Michael during this smiling at the exchange. "So mates, what've I missed?"  
  
(All The Ladies) Spike's voice… Aaahhhhhhh….  
  
Kyle started the long reply, "Well, quick catch up. Michael and I dumped our girlfriends for each other after a drunken night of love making." Kyle then whispered quickly "We're just pretending to get revenge, play along." Then in a regular voice, "We got back, the girls were pissed at Max and Alex, but they butt kissed their way out of it."  
  
(Maria) Yeah, that SO won't backfire will it?  
  
(Liz) Of course it will.  
  
(Isabel) They'll never have sex, that's for sure.  
  
(Tess) Of course they'll have sex, just not with women. Just with each other. And I'd like to watch that.  
  
(Maria) Me too actually.  
  
(Isabel) That's just… wait, I can picture it.  
  
(Liz) I'll watch, but all this is disturbing me.  
  
Michael took his turn explaining, "Under the terms that they tell the whole truth, they both seemed to leave out some things. Max left out the fact he attended the prom with a girl in Texas, and Alex left out his drooling over another girl's ass. So now, we're about to watch them be castrated by their girlfriends and our ex's, who are still pissed and looking for someone to take it out on."  
  
(Maria) Give us time Spaceboy, your ass is next.  
  
(Tess) Do you mean for something bad to happen to or for Kyle to…  
  
(Liz) ENOUGH, please try and control yourself.  
  
(Isabel) They're as bad as the guys. Or the Author.  
  
Spike decided to be, what else, EVIL. "You know mates, I wouldn't have taken you to be the ones to go to the same side of the sport. Max always struck me as a closet case."   
  
(All The Ladies) Spike's voice…. Aaaaahhhhhhhhh…  
  
(Liz) Wait! Why does everyone keep thinking my Maxie is gay?  
  
(Maria) Maybe it has something to do with how he's always eying Michael's butt?  
  
(Tess) Yeah, he's so got it for Michael's butt. You could see it to with Rath, he looked at Max and Max looked back and you just knew they were wanting a little sumthin-sumthin'.  
  
(Isabel) I am not hearing this, my brother is not gay. At the very least he's bi.  
  
(Liz) You aren't helping, so help me I might just find some stilettos for you three as well.  
  
(Maria) That's my Lizzie, she's turning into a freaky-deaky.  
  
Having said this, Max turned his head quickly to sputter at Spike. Just in time to get punched in the face then kneed in the groin by his girlfriend. That was the point at which the ladies descended on the men like, what else, locusts. Punching, kicking and clawing at Max and Alex until not much was left on the floor but two men curled into the fetal position faintly crying for their mommies.  
  
(All The Ladies) WHOO HOO.  
  
"You know, you don't see stuff like this back in Sunnyhell, I'm glad I made the trip out here. I get to see two men weep like babies and I can see your faces when I tell you about who's been stalking you all."  
  
(All The Ladies) Spike's voice…. Aaaahhhhhhh…  
  
"Stalking us? What're you talking about?" Kyle said, unable to keep from smiling about the whooping he saw.  
  
(Tess) That's my boy, laughing at Max's pain.  
  
(Liz) It's not nice.  
  
(Tess) He still has some issues about the whole you thing and me thing and salvation thing.  
  
(Maria) He's being an ingrate.  
  
(Isabel) He's being a jerk.  
  
(Tess) He's being a guy.  
  
"Well, you're being stalked by some very odd little creatures. I'm not sure if they're dangerous or not." Spike said, drawing the whole thing out.  
  
(All The Ladies) Spike's voice… Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh…  
  
"Yeah, but what's stalking us?" Michael said, impatiently.  
  
(Maria) Yep, he's always impatient.  
  
(Tess) Yeah, but is he *always* impatient?  
  
(Isabel) Ew, he's like a brother to me.  
  
(Liz) Not to me, so, is he?  
  
(Maria) I could tell you some stories…  
  
"You're being stalked by Smurfs." Spike said.  
  
(All The Ladies) Spike's voice… Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh….  
  
One of the Aliens on the wall of the alien themed café slowly moved away, then ran outside. Once there it removed it's alien head mask to reveal a Smurf's head…  
  
(Isabel) What is it with this Author's Smurf obsession?  
  
(Maria) I don't know, maybe he likes them because they're small enough he could, you know, do them with out problems.  
  
(Liz) MARIA! That's just cruel! And don't make the Author mad, he could still write us evil.  
  
(Tess) Yeah, no angering the Author. If he's got a Smurf obsession, fine then. At this point I'd do anything to keep from getting messed with in the story.  
  
(Isabel) Um, Tess, I'd be careful about saying "I'd do anything" around this Author, he might try and take you up on it.  
  
(Liz) Yeah, I mean, he's kind of… you know…  
  
(Maria) He's a guy, you give him a chance he'll try and get some.  
  
(Tess) Hey, you forget, this is the Hussy you're talking to… 


	44. Part 13: Ver 90 Big Mouth Trouble

Part 13, Ver. 9.0 Big Mouth Trouble  
  
So, the time is coming to bring about an end.  
  
It was the next night, the guys were all avoiding the women, the women were all plotting against the men… the world was as it should be.  
  
Michael was actually working, a little, at the Crashdown. That's where Spike found him, and spoke to him, not because it was the plot set up. Well, maybe a little. Just like Liz just happened to be hidden, but in ear shot of the whole conversation. Pure coincidence.  
  
"Hey Mate, where's your other half?" Spike said to the burger jockey.  
  
"Ha ha, I don't know where he is. But I'm getting so tired of this playing gay man. I think he's enjoying the fake kissing when we're around the others more than he should, you know?" Mickey G said.  
  
"Well, you should give it a try. Maybe you two could really hit it off." Spike said with a grin.  
  
"Maybe, but I do like my girlfriend. But, she crossed the line by trying to mindwarp us."  
  
"Your loss, so what's the next plan of action for you two?"  
  
"Just wait and watch the other two get castrated for now, then we'll come out to our real sexuality and then… We'll catch hell, but it'll be worth it."   
  
It was at this point that Liz left to call the other "ladies" and to prepare the fires for sacrificial male genitalia burning painful things. So, she rallied the troops, the Evil Villainous Insane Luscious Crazy Harried Icicle Cold Kinky Socialites. Yes, she called in the EVILCHICKS.   
  
While she was rounding up the EVILCHICKS, Michael and Spike finished talking, and Michael's shift ended. So, his kind boyfriend Kyle showed up to walk him home… hand in hand…  
  
"Do we really have to walk like this?" Michael asked.  
  
"Of course we do, we need to sell it so that anyone who sees us thinks we really are a couple. Don't want to get caught before we can get even do we?" Kyle said.  
  
"I guess not." Michael said before walking along in silence with Kyle… conveniently passing a Roswell MIB No Tell Motel. Where their presence was noted by several couples staying at the place.  
  
In Room 3, a man in a red suit was looking out the door and saw the couple walking along. Feeling there was something odd with them. "Those two young men seem odd."  
  
"Who cares Benny, get back in bed." Spoke one man in the bed of Room 3.  
  
"Yeah, who cares, now get over here." Spoke the other man in the bed of Room 3.  
  
"Yes Rays." Said Benny as he hopped back into bed.  
  
In Room 7, a tall well built man was also looking outside at the couple of men walking along hand in hand. "You know Chief, there's something odd about those two. I can't really tell what though, just something odd on the tip of my senses."  
  
"Well it could be Native Americans who recently practiced a ritual that might still be hanging around them, might even be aliens since this town is known for them. I remember studying this one culture…" Spoke the long haired man in the bed.  
  
"You know Chief, let's just go back to bed and not worry about it."  
  
"Sure thing Jim."  
  
In Room 6 (or 9, the number was hanging odd) a tall black haired Amazon woman watched as the two men crossed, turning to the blonde in her bed she said "Those two are different, but who cares, let's get back to what we were doing."  
  
"Fine with me!"  
  
In Room 14 a tall dark handsome man was looking out the window at the two men going across and smiled. "Those two look happy, there's something different about them… Maybe they're pre-immies, but they look happy. Come take a look."  
  
"Dammit Duncan, I'm 5,000 years old. There isn't anything I haven't seen before. Now get your cute Scottish ass back in bed."  
  
"As you wish old timer."  
  
In Room 16 a rugged rogue of a man lounged in bed as his sandy haired partner looked out the window at the two crossing in front of the room. "I feel something different about those two… I feel it in the "  
  
(INTERRUPT)  
  
(Author) Huh? What's going on?  
  
(Story) Hate to do that, but we just got a legal document from Lucasfilms threatening to sue if you used Han & Luke in that way.  
  
(Author) I'm just now bloody writing it! How did they know about it?  
  
(Story) The Force is strong in them.  
  
(Author) Okay, moving on then. *mutter*Ihopetheymistakealightsaberforavibrator*mutters*  
  
In Room 19 a tall man with dark hair looked out the window and then looked down at a device in his hand. "Captain, there appears to be alien life on Earth. This could change the history around your races First Contact situation."  
  
"Spock… I… don't care… about… First Contact… I… just want… some… physical contact… with you… right now… so… get your…. Vulcan ass… back in bed… now…" Spoke the horrible speaker on the bed.  
  
"Yes Captain."  
  
In Room 21 a sandy haired beach boy looked out at the two crossing in front of his room and shrugged as his friend with a geeky expression and curly hair looked out and started jumping up and down. "I think that one's an alien, I studied, I think he is. This is so cool Zack."  
  
"That's nice Screech, but can we go back to bed now?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
In Room 63 a blonde was looking out the window at the two crossing in front of her room. "That one's thoughts are partially alien, but they're both being very stupid men though.'  
  
"I don't really give a damn Talia, just get your ass back in bed. We've had enough of a break."  
  
"Always insatiable, I like that."  
  
And finally in Room 37, a room that had a very distinct and illegal odor about it, lay a long haired brown haired man looking at his portly mate who was looking out the window and motioning.  
  
"I don't give a damn what you see you tubby bitch, you get your fat ass back in bed now. We got a ways to go before we hit Hollywood now let's get busy you fat ass fuck." The other guy shrugged and hopped back into bed. ("JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK" in theatres Friday, August 24th)  
  
On the way home Michael turned to Kyle and said "You ever get the feeling that someone's watching you?"  
  
"Yeah, sometimes."  
  
In yet another room of the MIB No Tell Motel two Smurfs watched what happened, then scampered away. 


	45. Part 13: Ver 100 And They Were Singing...

Part 13, Ver. 10.0 And They Were Singing… Bye Bye Bye  
  
Gathered together like sheep about to be led to slaughter were the guys, and Spike, all in Michael's apartment, as they were instructed to be by the women. All sitting around waiting. Not knowing. Oh yes, it was about to begin.  
  
The "ladies" arrived synchronized. Had the men had any sense, they'd have known that was a bad sign. But they didn't.  
  
They just sat there, waiting. Two knew their time was nearing an end, the other two had yet to realize that their cover was blown. Yes, all the guys were on the chopping block now.  
  
"Hey guys." All the women spoke in unison (this is a bad sign, did the guys catch it? Nooooo…).  
  
The guys, being the beings of as few a syllables as possible just nodded, maybe a grunt or two. Except Spike, who, not being an idiot like the guys was sitting back watching with a smirk, knowing something wicked was about to come.  
  
(Story) DO NOT MAKE THAT JOKE.  
  
(Author) What joke…?  
  
(Story) You know what joke.  
  
(Author) No, really, what joke?  
  
(Story) You know, you'd have some "wicked woman" have an orgasm to play on that pun.  
  
(Author) Why would I do that? You just made that joke for me.  
  
(Story) ARGH. I HATE YOU.  
  
(Author) I get that a lot…  
  
"So," started Maria. "You're all in the doghouse. You two," she points and hers' and Tess's ex's, "Are now gay, you other two are in trouble for being lying dogs. And you," she points at Spike, "you're just damn sexy and we're happy to have you here."  
  
"But," began Tess, "It has come to our attention that our gay boyfriend's aren't so gay after all." Tess, with a demented smile and evil look in her eye (typical of all women) spoke to the boys, "So, you boys are so far in the doghouse no one will even make fun of you."  
  
"Hey," Kyle said, standing up and motioning to himself and Michael. "We are, like, so totally gay." Michael stood up as well nodding.  
  
"Really then? Prove it." Maria said.  
  
"Fine, we will." Kyle said, before grabbing Michael and obviously French kissing him, much to the non-happiness of Michael and the jealous look from Max.  
  
"Well, they sure are acting gay… but it might be just an act. Okay, Michael, why don't you grab Kyle's butt." Tess said.  
  
(Story) Oh god, you're stealing the scene from American Pie 2 aren't you?  
  
(Author) Don't think of it as stealing, think of it as "creative appropriation and adaptation of distributed works".  
  
(Story) Huh?  
  
(Author) I stole it.  
  
(Story) How much of that scene did you steal?  
  
(Author) Um, just a bit… hehe…  
  
With a look from Kyle, Michael grudgingly grabbed Kyle's butt, just for a second.  
  
"I don't know Tess, they are going through the motions. So, if they're gay now they won't be upset that we've moved on." Maria said.  
  
"Moved on? What? To who?" Michael said, quite jealously (in that cute hot way).  
  
"To each other of course, since you're both gay now this won't have any effect on you." Tess said, before leaning over and kissing Maria on the lips.  
  
It was here that both Kyle and Michael stood gape mouthed watching and drooling, while Max and Alex both tried to watch without letting Isabel and Liz see that they were watching… And as for Spike, he was cheering them on smiling.  
  
Breaking the kiss Maria looked at the guys and saw their… *ahem* obvious enjoyment at what they had scene. "Since you guys are together and happy and we're together and happy. I guess that's all. But before we move on, Kyle, why don't you reach over and get ahold of Michael. Just to assure us that you're really happy together."  
  
Kyle, not wanting to give up the game yet, moved his hand toward Michael's… well… crotch… Before he got there though, Michael's hand moved toward Kyle… only, it was Kyle's face, and Michael's hand was in the shape of a fist.  
  
"You and your dumb ideas Kyle!" Michael said, rather angry. "Now we've lost our girlfriend's to each other and we're branded as a couple! I mean, AS IF, if I were gay I'd at least go with Max. I know he's interested."   
  
Max did the male look of "What? He's kidding, really people." at the sound of that.  
  
"Dammit Michael, they'd have caved and you know it!" Kyle yelled from the floor where he'd fallen. "They're just acting like we were, man, you wuss!"  
  
"Kyle's right." Tess said, smiling evilly. "We were just acting, we wanted to humiliate you in front of your friends first. And you both, well, suck. And I don't mean each other."  
  
"Oh Tess, that was cold. Nice job." Maria said. "Now that it's known all four of you are equally screwed in the doghouse, it's time to tell you about how you can redeem yourselves. That is assuming you guys want to be with us again."  
  
The guys all nodded, yelled "Hell yes" and gave their affirmation to it.  
  
"Good," Liz said, speaking up after the fun showing. "What you guys are doing is, tomorrow night you're going to get up at the karaoke bar. In drag. You're going to sing, whatever songs you choose, and then you're going to strip."  
  
"And," Isabel started, "We'll only take you back after that. But, you have to get Spike to sing and strip too, but he doesn't have to do drag. After this is done, this will all be forgiven and forgotten until your next screw up. Understand guys?"  
  
The guys all looked around and nodded. "We'll do it." Alex said, speaking for the group of guys.  
  
"Good." The ladies said in unison, before leaving in unison.  
  
"Man, we're in for some bad things to happen." Max said.  
  
"Yeah, and it's all Kyle's fault." Alex said.  
  
"Yeah, why don't we turn Alex into a girl or something." Michael said.  
  
"Hey, you guys went along with it. 'Who's more foolish, the fool or…'" Kyle started.  
  
"You dare quote Star Wars and I'll shoot you." Michael said.  
  
At this point Spike, who had been silent, started laughing. The guys suddenly realized they hadn't asked if he'd sing and strip.  
  
"Um, Spike, would you mind helping us out with the girls?" Alex asked.  
  
"Sure thing Mates, this is some fun stuff you got down here. I need to visit more often." Spike said, as he got up. "But if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hit the town a little before sun up. Have fun guys."  
  
The guys all yelled a "Thanks!" as he left, but soon after the door shut behind him, the door opened again. This time admitting Sean.  
  
"What're you wanting Sean?" Michael asked.  
  
"Oh, simple guys. I'm here to blackmail you. See, I know about something that happened on your road trip that you haven't told the girls. Something that if they knew, well, you think it's bad now? They'd have you strip in front of your and their mothers." Sean said, smiling evilly.  
  
(Story) Why is Sean just now showing up?  
  
(Author) Just now found a place for him.  
  
(Story) Uh huh. Why are you having him blackmail them?  
  
(Author) Extra comedy.  
  
(Story) Why would he want to blackmail them, for his logic?  
  
(Author) Simple, all men enjoy seeing and causing harm to other men. It's the whole "survival of the fittest" thing, you want to cause the others to fail.  
  
(Story) Men suck.  
  
(Author) Only Max and Kyle, and that is still only rumor.  
  
The guys all looked around, and nodded as one. Max was spokesman this time, "What is it you want us to do?"  
  
"Simple," Sean said as he handed each of the guys a piece of paper. "Do what that says when it says, and don't tell anyone else what you have to do until I motion that everyone has done their thing. Okay?"  
  
"Yeah." Came the chorus.  
  
"Good," Sean said then left.  
  
"What does he know about us?" Alex asked.  
  
"Who knows," Michael said, "I just don't want to get into more trouble."  
  
"Me either." Said Kyle.  
  
"None of us do," Max said. "That's why we'll do what he said, no matter how humiliating it is for us."  
  
Outside, Sean stops beside a shrub and a grungy looking red cat comes out and gives him a wad of cash.  
  
A Smurf, spying from a rooftop (after watching a couple going at it) takes note and runs to report the event. 


	46. Part 13: Ver 104 The PreGame Warm Up

Part 13, Ver. 10.4 The Pre-Game Warm Up  
  
Morning, Michael's:  
  
"We're dead, we're so dead." Was the camp chant of the men as they figured out what songs to do and how to possibly save any shred of dignity.  
  
"Well boys, a rather great 70's group sang it best when they said 'In that big book of names I wanna go down in flames, seein's how I'm goin' down.'" Spike said with a smile.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Max asked, not exactly being too bright.  
  
"Well Mate, it's like this. You're screwed. You know it and they know it. But, you can go out there and have fun, embarrass them back and retain a little pride that you got them back."   
  
"And how should we go about doing that Mister Miyagi?" Alex asked.  
  
"Oh, I have quite a few ideas. We're going to put on a right good show. Tell me, have any of you ever heard of the group Confederate Railroad, or seen a video of theirs'…?" Spike said, launching into planning sessions.  
  
Afternoon, Michael's Again:  
  
The guys have all made the rounds Spike suggested, gathering all the necessary supplies and generally getting ready to have fun. They might get humiliated, but they'd take their girlfriends down with them. And hey, Spike was going to sing and strip with them.  
  
They were mapping things out and working out choreography with Spike when the phone rang. Max answered and was told by Sean to remind everyone about what they had to do. The cheery mood was slightly knocked out.  
  
Evening, Backstage: Shortly before show time.  
  
Kyle, like all the other guys, was wearing a rain coat.  
  
(Story) HEY.  
  
(Author) What?  
  
(Story) A raincoat, or a raincoat?  
  
(Author) Huh?  
  
(Story) *sighs* Just change it to a floor length overcoat, okay?  
  
(Author) Sure thing nutso.  
  
Kyle, like all the other guys, was wearing a floor length overcoat. He was carrying in a tray of five cups for himself and the guys. "The girls' sent us drinks, guess they felt we'd need them. Don't worry, no alcohol." He handed out the cups to the guys and Spike, though Spike declined and handed it back.  
  
"Hey, if you're not going to drink that do you mind if I do?" Alex asked Spike, getting a nod he chugged it down too. "I'm so nervous, this is worst than the last two times."  
  
"Ah relax mate, just go out there and have fun. And try to control yourselves so you don't embarrass yourselves by showing more than you intended." Spike said, as he sat back in his leather coat. The guys went on first, performing a song first, then he'll join them for a song. Then he'll sing a bit himself while the guys change for the finale.  
  
"I'll try, sheesh, this will be rough." Alex said, with nods from the others.  
  
"Let it be rough, but try not to be too hard out there." Spike said with a wink.  
  
Minutes Before Showtime, In The Seating Area:  
  
"It's done." Maria giggled.  
  
"What's done?" Liz asked, she was almost afraid to know.  
  
"Oh, we just gave the guys some… help." Tess said, trying to keep from laughing outloud.  
  
"What did you two do to my boyfriend?" Isabel asked, afraid to know.  
  
"Oh, we just sent them all some spiked drinks." Maria couldn't quit smiling.  
  
"Maria! You know they can't handle alcohol, why'd you do that?" Liz said worrying.  
  
"Oh, it wasn't alcohol." Tess said, as she put a pill bottle on the table top.  
  
Isabel gasped as she read the label. "You gave the guys viagra!"  
  
"Double doses." Maria said smirking.  
  
"My god, why? Better question, where'd you get them?" Liz asked, she shouldn't have though.  
  
"Why? To be mean. And where? Maria found them in your parents' medicine cabinet." Tess said, laughing at the look on Liz's face.  
  
"Wow, guess your parents are Bob Dole fans." Isabel said before breaking down laughing.  
  
Backstage, 10 Minutes Until Showtime:  
  
A Smurf watched the guys drink the loaded drinks and smirked before going to have the others make sure they videotaped tonight's events. 


	47. Interlude Much Needed

Interlude: Much Needed.  
  
Kyle: I'd never tried lemonade and honey together before.  
  
Michael: Me either, it's not bad.  
  
Kyle: Odd craving we got after reading that one fanfic.  
  
Michael: Yeah, well, this craving we could indulge.  
  
Kyle: Not that we wouldn't want to indulge the other.  
  
Michael: Oh yeah.  
  
Max: Hey guys, what're you doing?  
  
Kyle & Michael Quickly Close The Internet Browser, Delete The History And Delete Local Files  
  
Kyle & Michael In Unison: Nothing.  
  
Alex: What's up?  
  
Michael & Kyle In Unison: Nothing!  
  
Max: You're acting odd.  
  
Kyle: Nothing's going on.  
  
Spike Enters Looking Slightly Worn Out And Disheveled  
  
Spike: Hi again mates, looks like I'm back again.  
  
Michael: What'd you do to get stuck in here with us?  
  
Spike: Lucky I guess, and resting.  
  
Alex: So, what shall we do to pass time before we're all forced to return to… The Fic?  
  
Max: Beats me, maybe we can find something good online.  
  
Kyle & Michael Share A Frightened Look  
  
Alex: Oh, I have an idea, we could take a purity test.  
  
Max: A what?  
  
Kyle: I've heard of those, they tell you how sexually corrupt you are, right?  
  
Alex: Exactly. We could take the 1000 question one. You all want to? Here's the address: www.armory.com./tests/sex1000.html http://www.armory.com./tests/sex1000.html  
  
Max: I'm in.  
  
Kyle: Sure, why not.  
  
Michael: Better than nothing.  
  
Spike: Might as well, see just how good I am.  
  
Alex: Fine, but we do it one at a time and no one look to see what others do, okay?  
  
Group: Okay.  
  
Alex: Fine, I'll go first.  
  
Short Time Later, Alex Has Finished His Test.  
  
Alex: So my score came to 94.7% pure.  
  
Kyle: Wow, goody goody.  
  
Max: Not bad.  
  
Michael: Ain't been getting any, eh Alex?  
  
Spike: Lord you're a Nancy boy aren't you?  
  
Alex: Shut up, all of you. Now answer them correctly. Michael, you next.  
  
Michael: Alright, bring it on.  
  
Michael Finishes His Test  
  
Michael: So my score is 88.5% pure.  
  
Alex: Ah, so Michael has been getting some.  
  
Michael: Shut up.  
  
Max: Michael, Michael, Michael. You've been a naughty one haven't you?  
  
Spike: Still too pure for my liking.  
  
Kyle: Way to go Guerin, you the man!  
  
Michael: *growls* Who's next?  
  
Alex: Let's let Kyle go.  
  
Kyle: Sure thing, got nothing to hide.  
  
Kyle Finishes His Test  
  
Kyle: So I'm 90.3% pure.  
  
Michael: Does that mean you got some or not?  
  
Max: Yeah, you been busy or not?  
  
Alex: Hey, let him alone some. He's purer than you two, less than me.  
  
Spike: You say that like it's a good thing.  
  
Kyle: So, maybe I just haven't broken into as many places as you guys.  
  
Michael: No comment.  
  
Alex: Next up, Max.  
  
Max: Ho problem.  
  
Max Finishes His Test  
  
Max: So my score is 87.4%.  
  
Michael: You scored lower than me? What has Liz been doing with you?  
  
Max: Shut up.  
  
Spike: It's always the quiet types that are kinky.  
  
Max: Be quiet.  
  
Kyle: Hey, I dated Liz once, so I have a good idea what happened. And I have a good idea what happened with Tess. So yeah, Minute Man Max is probably impure. I'm just taking my time for it.  
  
Max: I hate you all.  
  
Alex: Poor Maxikins. He's a kinky bad boy I bet.  
  
Michael: I can easily imagine it.  
  
Spike: Have you imagined it before?  
  
Kyle: That'd make sense.  
  
Max: Shut up all of you.  
  
Alex: Anyway, Spike's turn.  
  
Spike: Okay boys, let a master do this.  
  
Spike Finishes His Test With A Smile  
  
Spike: And I'm 19.6% pure.  
  
Group: DA-AMN!  
  
Spike: Well, lots were no-brainer's. I mean, ever had sex with food? Duh, I eat humans, so yes. Ever had sex with food then eaten it. Again, big duh. I mean, for vampires a lot of that is just obviously yes.  
  
Alex: Spike, I think I'm afraid now.  
  
Spike: Don't be, I won't hurt you boys. I like you, you're fun to play with.  
  
Michael: Seems we all have a long way to go.  
  
Kyle: I think I should model my life after you Spike, then I can score with the ladies like you.  
  
Alex: Max is well on his way toward your status.  
  
Max: Eat me.  
  
Spike: That apply to me ducks?  
  
Max: No!  
  
Spike: Just kidding, you aren't pure enough to eat.  
  
Guys Start Laughing.  
  
Spike: A vampire needs standards.  
  
Guys Laugh More  
  
Max: I hate you all, I'm considering becoming very impure and doing very nasty things to you all.  
  
Alex: So the Author's right about your sexuality?  
  
Max Snaps And Attempts To Strangle Alex Before Being Restrained  
  
Kyle: Guys! Guys! Really, remember who we all hate. The Author, okay?  
  
Alex: Yeah, sorry. Don't worry, it won't be long until my plan reaches fruition and we can destroy the Author.  
  
Max: This will be so good.  
  
Michael: We shall be free!  
  
Spike: Don't kill him, he does me well. Just take control of him. Then you can have him write you doing anything, or anyONE you want to be doing.  
  
All Guys Smile At This As All Blood Quickly Rushes Southward   
  
Spike: Well, anyway, good for you all. I have to get back to an insatiable girl, if I don't return remember me fondly. 


	48. Interlude XXX aka A Shameless Attempt T...

Interlude: XXX (a.k.a. A Shameless Attempt To Boost Ratings)  
  
Michael: Another frelling interlude?  
  
Max: Yep, seems like. Um, what is frelling?  
  
Alex: I bet he's been watching Farscape again.  
  
Kyle: That Aeuryn Sun chick is hot man, Claudia Black… YUM-YUM-GIMME-SUM. Oh, and that cool grey alien chick, Chianna… Dude, all alien chicks are hot.  
  
Michael: Ahem, anyway. Frell is basically a curse word, like hell or worse. It's fun.  
  
Max: You're all odd.  
  
Alex: Hey Kyle, did I show you those pictures of Gigi Edgely from that Aussie mag? Chianna naked man, beautiful site.  
  
Kyle: You don't got that.  
  
Alex: I do man, no lie.  
  
Kyle: Dude, you are like so my hero.  
  
Alex: Don't thank me, thank the Internet.  
  
Kyle: I love the internet man, saves us from having to buy porn, now we just download.  
  
Alex: Amen.  
  
Max: Michael, are all humans like them?  
  
Michael: No, all males are like them. I ain't exactly sure what you is though.  
  
Max: Nice grammar.  
  
Michael: Grab this you panty wearing pansy.  
  
*Spike Stumbles In, Bruised, Battered, Somewhat Bloody And Wearing A Pink Leather Tutu And A Flowery Hawaiian Shirt  
  
Spike: Dear Lord they make kids kinky at such young ages anymore.  
  
Max: Have fun Spike?  
  
Alex: You look tired.  
  
Michael: Did you live up to your name?  
  
Kyle: Gotta know about the outfit.  
  
Spike: Shut up, all of you, or I'll tell everyone what you really do when you're not being written.  
  
Group: Sorry.  
  
*Spike Goes And Changes Into Regular Clothes  
  
Spike: So, what's up for today?   
  
Max: Special guest stars, he's trying to boost ratings.  
  
Kyle: Cheap ploy.  
  
Michael: Only fools would really fall for it.  
  
Alex: Which of course is his key demographic.  
  
Spike: Could be worse, so, who's going to be the first guest.  
  
Max: We find out when we all sit at the table.  
  
Spike: Let's do it then.  
  
*Guys Sit Around A Table  
  
*Lights Go Out And Author's Voice Comes Over Like An Announcer.  
  
AUTHOR: OUR FIRST SPECIAL GUEST STAR TODAY IS A STAR OF TWO OF THE BEST TEEN COMEDIES EVER. PLEASE WELCOME "AMERICAN PIE" AND "AMERICAN PIE 2"'S FAMOUS STAR… STEVEN STIFLER.  
  
*Stifler Sits At The Table.  
  
Stifler: Call me Stifler you fuckface Author.  
  
Author: Stifler, I can do to you worse than they did in the movies.  
  
Stifler: Like I care, I got laid, that's enough for me.  
  
Kyle: Dude, you are like so my hero! I'd totally have done the same for the chicks man.  
  
Stifler: Thanks little dude, they were hot bi-babes weren't they?  
  
Kyle: The best man.  
  
Alex: Dude, did you really do all that stuff?  
  
Stifler: **** yeah! You do what they tell you to and you get ******* laid man! I'm not going to be a sissy and pass up a chance to get some. Do I look like some ******* ******?  
  
Max: Actually you do.  
  
Stifler: I guess you'd know, you see one enough in the mirror.  
  
Max: Those are just rumors.  
  
Stifler: Yeah, and Liz is actually innocent.  
  
Max: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Stifler: Dude, she's like the exact ******* copy of Michelle. You're going to turn around and be playing ass trumpet while she's playing with her reeds.  
  
Max: **** you man.  
  
Michael: I don't know man, it is always the quiet geeky ones. But I doubt the Liz with a flute thing…  
  
Max: Thanks.  
  
Michael: …she'd probably just use a telescope. Then she'd really see Uranus man.  
  
Stifler: Dude! Good one man. Hell, since I'm talking about your girlfriends, what's the deal with you geek boy?  
  
Alex: What? Nothing's wrong.  
  
Stifler: Dude, that girl is just begging to get laid. Just get a couple of beers in her, once she'll be all over you man.  
  
Alex: That's not how I want it.  
  
Stifler: That's not how you want it? ****, what you want her brother instead? That must be the case for you to avoid a chance to get some like that.  
  
Max: That's my sister.  
  
Stifler: All the more reason you'd want her boyfriend, sibling rivalry.  
  
Spike: This is going to get messy, call me in for curtain call.  
  
*Spike Leaves  
  
Stifler: You all should be like Spike, you think he passes up a chance for some *****? Hell no, he ***** it then eats it, hell, maybe even in different orders.  
  
Alex: Man, that's just sick.  
  
Stifler: Whatever. And you, you going for the extra kinky there boy?  
  
Kyle: What do you mean?  
  
Stifler: You get the ***** in the house staying with her, do a whole sister thing, you know you're going to bone her. You wanting that kinky incest stuff? You some Southerner or something?  
  
Kyle: Hey, nothing wrong with a little role playing.  
  
*Max, Michael & Alex Trade Odd Looks  
  
Stifler: There is much hope for you. You shall make me proud, have her call you Stiffmiester in bed sometime.  
  
Kyle: Sure thing man.  
  
Stifler: And you man, you're getting some at least.  
  
Michael: You say one thing about Maria or myself I will rip off your alleged 11 inches and see how you like that Shannon Hamilton treatment with it.  
  
Stifler: Understood.  
  
Author: Stifler's time is up, time for your next guest.  
  
*Lights Go Out And Author's Voice Does The Annoying Announcer Thing Again  
  
AUTHOR: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A FAMOUS SINGER, KNOWN ALMOST AS MUCH FOR HER LOOKS AND THE RUMORS (OR POSSIBLY MORE SO FOR THEM) THAN SHE IS FOR HER SINGING. GENTLEMAN, I PRESENT… BRITNEY SPEARS!  
  
*Britney Enters Smiling And Sits At The Table  
  
Britney: Hi guys, I'm a big fan of your show and this story. You're so much fun.  
  
Max: Whoa, how'd you get drafted into coming here?  
  
Britney: Oh, I wanted to. This sounded like a lot of fun.  
  
Michael: This? Fun?  
  
Britney: Sure, it looks like so much fun while reading it.  
  
*Alex's Hands Move Toward Britney's Chest  
  
Alex: Are they real?  
  
*Britney Slaps Away His Hand  
  
Britney: Behave, and yes, they're real.  
  
Alex: In that one video you remind me so much of my girlfriend. May I feel you to be sure?  
  
Britney: Thanks, and no, you can't. Stop it.  
  
Michael: I'm a Metallica fan myself, but I must say you are hot. And I can listen to you sing without screaming.  
  
*Alex's Hands Again Move Toward Britney's Chest  
  
Britney: Thanks, I think.  
  
Michael: But Max is your biggest fan, I've seen him dress up like you from "Baby, One More Time…" and sing along.  
  
Britney: Really Max? That's so cool.  
  
Max: Oh, it's nothing. I'm just a fan. You're so pretty and so talented. Very down to earth and sweet.  
  
Britney: That's so kind of you.  
  
Kyle: I'm a fan too, though being a jock I usually have to keep it quiet. But I have your cd's and you're just amazing.  
  
Britney: Wow, you guys are so sweet.  
  
*Alex's Hands Yet Again Move Toward Britney's Chest.  
  
Britney: Quit it.  
  
Max: Alex, behave. Stop it man, show some respect.  
  
Michael: Yeah, she's a lovely lady and a virgin, be nice or we'll tell Isabel.  
  
Kyle: Geez Alex, get a grip.  
  
Alex: Sorry, it's just… they're so amazing, and so close.  
  
Britney: It's been great talking to you, but your friend's making me a little uncomfortable so I think I'll go…  
  
*Lights Go Out, Britney Screams  
  
*Lights Come Back On, Britney Jumps Up And Stands Away From The Table  
  
Britney: You all just groped me!  
  
Max: What? Alex, did you grope her?  
  
Alex: No way man.  
  
Michael: Man, that's so uncool.  
  
Kyle: Really Alex, dude, that's just so uncalled for.  
  
Britney: I felt several touches, four pairs of hands. I'm going to make you pay you ******* ************ing bastards. I'll ****ing ruin you!  
  
*Britney Storms Out  
  
Max: Whoa, a whole Jeckyl/Hyde thing going on there man.  
  
Alex: But man, I didn't touch her.  
  
*Stifler Comes Out From Under The Table And Sits In The Seat Britney Was In And Smiles At The Guys  
  
Stifler: Those puppies were real.  
  
Max: Oh yeah, no doubt.  
  
Kyle: Definitely real, can't fake that.  
  
Michael: I know, you just can't create something like that with science.  
  
Alex: You mean you all felt her up and I didn't get any?  
  
The Guys: Yup.  
  
Alex: I ****ing hate you all.  
  
Stifler: Should have grabbed the opportunity while you had the chance. Anyway, I'm leaving for real now.  
  
*Stifler Leaves  
  
*Lights Go Out And Author Announcer Comes On  
  
AUTHOR: AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, OUR FINAL GUEST IS KNOWN FOR HER OUTSTANDING COMMERCIALS AND OUTRIGHT SEXINESS. IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE… THE GREEN M&M!  
  
*Green M&M Comes In And Sits At The Table  
  
Green M&M: Hi guys, it's nice to be here.  
  
*Michael Hits The Light Switch And Four Loud "Crunches" Are Heard And A Scream  
  
*Lights Come Back On And The Green M&M Has Four Bites Taken Out Of Her And The Guys Have Chocolate Around Their Mouths  
  
Green M&M: AHHHHHHH.  
  
*Green M&M Runs Out  
  
Kyle: Hrm, she tasted nice.  
  
Michael: Yeah, good chocolate.  
  
Alex: First time I've ever eaten a wo…  
  
*Max Interrupts  
  
Max: Don't do that joke Alex.  
  
Alex: Okay. But can I do one about "melting in your mouth, not in your hand"?  
  
Michael: Don't.  
  
Kyle: Really, it's in poor… taste.  
  
Max: That was a bad pun.  
  
*Author Returns To Regular Voice  
  
Author: Well, that's all for the guests now. Though you do have some visitors.  
  
*A Door Opens And Britney Spears Walks In With Lance, Justin and Joey Behind Her, She Points At Max, Michael, Kyle And Alex  
  
Britney: Those are the ****ing guys!  
  
Justin: We'll take care of them.  
  
Kyle, Max, Michael & Alex: Oh ****!  
  
*A Large Fight Ensues Which Includes Much Cursing And Violence  
  
*A Little Later, Spike Returns And Sees The Guys Beaten, Bruised And Bloody  
  
Spike: What the hell happened here?  
  
Max: We got beat up by N`Sync.  
  
Spike: So five guys did this to you?  
  
Michael: Not exactly.  
  
Kyle: It was only three of them. The cute ones.  
  
Spike: Cute ones?  
  
Kyle: Lance, Joey and Justin.  
  
Alex: They were pissed because these guys felt Britney's tits.  
  
Spike: Britney Spears was here? I missed her. Damn, I love her music. And I missed N`Sync too? I like those guys.  
  
Max: What?  
  
Spike: You feel up the tits of a guy's girlfriend, what do you expect? Be glad they didn't kill ya.  
  
Michael: I thought you'd be on our side.  
  
Spike: I can understand the copping a feel, but you need to learn about consequences mates, things happen.  
  
Kyle: Wait, you like their music? I thought you liked hard rock and Goth.  
  
Spike: I like it all, besides, teenie-bopper music makes it easier to seduce the youth out there.  
  
Alex: Makes sense. But man, I got beat up and didn't even get a feel.  
  
Spike: If she was here why didn't you grab a handful?  
  
Alex: They all told me not to, but as soon as the lights went off they mauled her. Even Stifler got a feel.  
  
Spike: Should have seized the opportunity, or tit as the case may be, should have been ready. And Stifler was here? **** I love that man, he's so funny.  
  
Max: Yeah, he was here.  
  
Spike: Too bad I missed the show.  
  
Michael: We're sorry too, we could have used your help when our asses were getting kicked.  
  
Kyle: Yeah, but that's the past.  
  
Alex: I can't believe I didn't touch her tits.  
  
Spike: Well, I got one question for you all. Are they real?  
  
Max, Michael & Kyle: Oh Yeah… 


	49. Part 13: Final Release It Don't Mean A...

Part 13 Final Release: It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing  
  
(Author: There, now you can't speak can you?)  
  
(Story: *muffled sounds*)  
  
(Author: Good. We're almost done, just let this ride out. Hey, you might even enjoy the show.)  
  
(Story: *muffled sounds, obviously curses*)  
  
As everyone prepared in back, they all made sure everyone looked alright. Michael turned to Max and asked "That doesn't look right, they're looking too loose." He said referring to Max's underwear.  
  
Max turned blood red and loudly (loud enough to be heard past the curtain and by everyone waiting on the show) said "A small penis is like a disability man! Would you laugh at someone in a wheelchair!"  
  
Everyone then turned and looked at the furiously blushing Max and the dumbstruck Michael, who then had the mind to say "That's not what I'm talking about, you grabbed the wrong pair. I'm sure you're… all there."  
  
"Oh." Was all Max said before he went back to put on the right clothes.  
  
Outside there was much murmuring about who had a small penis. Liz, recognizing her boyfriends voice, was blushing. Isabel decided to block out what she heard, Maria snickered slightly and Tess couldn't help but say "Damn, if I'd known that I'd have backed off him ages ago." Sean, who had come in to watch the show chuckled.  
  
"Okay, everything set to go? Spike, you ready to sing and open for us? We remember the plan?" Alex asked, looking about.  
  
"Sure am Mates, and I know it too. So let's hit it. And I need to tell you, I've got a special guest to help us with the one act. Don't be surprised when he shows up." With that, Spike went to cue the announcer when the guys all noticed a not so small problem.  
  
"Um, guys. Is anyone else having some … forward projection problems?" Kyle asked.  
  
"What?" asked Michael.  
  
"Am I the only one who is in an uncomfortable groin situation? It's like there's something wrong." Kyle said.  
  
"It's not just you, I just didn't want to say anything." Max said.  
  
"Same here, it's rather annoying." Michael said.  
  
"Mine's so painful I can barely stand it, I'm scared I'll end up with morbid chronic tumescence." Alex said.  
  
"End up with what?" Kyle asked.  
  
"A terminal hard-on." Max said.  
  
"I thought most had that possibility." Michael said laughing.  
  
"It's not funny man, it hurts." Alex said.  
  
"Look on the bright side," Kyle started, "at least you're sure to give the women a good show.  
  
Meanwhile, outside, the Announcer a heavy set dark haired man who resembled a hedgehog spoke up looking out on the crowd of local girls, a trio at one table, a local guy and a large congregation of women from some Cult, wearing different colored shirts but with the same thing on them all, except names, on the front showing Smurfette holding chocolate and the words "Try Me You $@#%*!" and on the back saying their name and "Proud Member Of The Church Of The Chocolate PMS'ing Smurfs. You Got A &*@%ing Problem With That!?!?! I Didn't Think So!". Back to the announcer, "Ladies and Gentleman, tonight we have a redemption special. We'll have a karaoke and strip show tonight. They've worked it all out and are prepared to make a night of it. And don't worry ladies, I promise to keep my clothes on."  
  
With that Spike walked up and took the microphone, wearing black jeans and a tight black shirt he was missing his regular overcoat. "Ladies, I'm just the warm up tonight. But don't worry, when this is all over I personally guarantee you'll all leave here with a smile." He nodded to the man behind the machine and music began to play. Spike starts singing.  
  
Here she comes now singin' Mony Mony  
  
Shoot 'em down turn around come on Mony  
  
Hey she gives me love and I feel all right now  
  
Come on you gotta toss and turn  
  
And I feel all right, yeah I feel all right  
  
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
While Spike sings he jumps off the stage and goes through the audience, smiling, winking and singing to the ladies, but avoiding the cult.  
  
'Cause you make me feel   
  
So good, so good, so good  
  
So fine, so fine  
  
It's all mine, well I feel all right  
  
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Spike wanders over to the evil women of the story and gives them all a smoldering look.  
  
Well you could shake it Mony Mony  
  
Shot gun dead and I'll come on home yeah  
  
Don't stop cookin' 'cause I feel all right now  
  
Don't stop now, come on Mony  
  
Come on yeah, I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
He goes over to Sean, who tries his best not to look at Spike.  
  
'Cause you make me feel  
  
So good, so good  
  
Well I feel all right  
  
You're so fine, you're so fine  
  
You're, and I feel all right  
  
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Spike goes over and sings to two dark haired guys and a redheaded woman at one table, and one of the guys openly feels him up.  
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony  
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony   
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony sure I do  
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony sure I do  
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony sure I do  
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony sure I do  
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony sure I do  
  
I love you Mony mo-mo-mony   
  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Feel all right, I said yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Spike tosses a quick wink at one cult member before heading back to the stage.  
  
Wake it, shake it Mony Mony  
  
Up down, turn around, come on Mony  
  
Hey she give me love and I feel all right now  
  
Don't stop now, come on Mony  
  
Come on, I said yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Yeah, yeah  
  
Spike gets back on stage and danced with the microphone stand.  
  
'Cause you make me feel   
  
So good, so good, so good  
  
Feel all right, all right  
  
Well I feel all right  
  
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Ride your pony, ride your pony  
  
Ride your pony, come on, come on  
  
Mony Mony  
  
Feel all right, I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Spike finishes up and takes a bow to much applause. "I'm just the warm up. Now, here are the main attraction. Let me now introduce some people who will sing a classic country song. Please put your hands together for Maxine, Alexis, Michelle and Kylie!"  
  
At that time the guys came out from behind the curtain in full make up and wearing very trashy clothes, all stolen from their girlfriends. Each guy with wigs to match their girlfriends. It was an eerie sight, and then the music began as Spike went backstage.  
  
The guys started singing, alternating lines back and forth and singing in a rather not horrible way.  
  
Well, I raised in a sophisticated kind of style  
  
Yeah, my taste in music and women drove my folks half wild  
  
Mom and dad had a plan for me, it was debutantes and symphonies  
  
But I like my music hot, I like my women wild   
  
The guys all struck poses showcasing each other as they went into the chorus.  
  
Yeah, I like my women just a little on the trashy side  
  
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed  
  
Too much lipstick and too much rouge  
  
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused  
  
And I like my women just a little on the trashy side  
  
The guys kept singing and hamming it up, and started taking off their tops to reveal they were actually wearing bras as well. Three sets were padded, one naturally filled out. The girls at the back table were cursing while giggling, and comments of "That's my favorite top." "The bastard looks better in that than me." "I wonder if he'll do this for me at home." And "He looks like he's enjoying this a little too much." were heard.  
  
Should've seen the looks on the faces of my dad and mom  
  
When I showed up at the door with a date for the senior prom  
  
They said, well, pardon us son, she ain't no kid  
  
That's a cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig  
  
I said I know it dad, ain't she cool, that's the kind I dig  
  
Alexis and Kylie both adjust their headlights and shook out their hair doing the Dolly Parton comment, getting death glares from a certain table.  
  
Yeah, I like my women just a little on the trashy side  
  
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed  
  
Too much lipstick and too much rouge  
  
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused  
  
And I like my women just a little on the trashy side  
  
Here all the guys turned their backs to the crowd, bent over and wiggled their butts back and forth in synch with each other as they pulled their skirts off to reveal tight panties. And even more cursing ensued, until the guys turned around and then their was a collective gasp from the audience.  
  
I like 'em sweet, I like 'em with a heart of gold  
  
Yeah and I like 'em brassy, I like 'em brazen and bold  
  
Well, they say opposites attract, but I don't agree  
  
I want a woman just as tacky as me  
  
Yeah, I like my women just a little on the trashy side  
  
Each of them sang certain parts of this song. Maxine sang "I like 'em sweet." And Michelle sang "I like 'em with a heart of gold." Alexis sang "Yeah I like 'em brassy." and Kylie sang "I like 'em brazen and bold." Before they returned to singing all together and dancing cabaret style.  
  
Yeah, I like my women just a little on the trashy side  
  
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed  
  
Too much lipstick and too much rouge  
  
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused  
  
And I like my women just a little on the trashy side  
  
They finished up with a deep bow and linked arms smiling. They got a standing ovation, cat calls and several comments about how they filled out their panties. The guys all dropped their wigs and motioned for Spike to come out before the next song started. Then an older man in a suit of an odd materiel stepped on stage and waited. Diverging from how it's usually done, Spike took on one role while the others sang all the other parts. All except one.  
  
Spike started.  
  
It's astounding;  
  
Time is fleeting;  
  
Madness takes its toll.  
  
But listen closely...  
  
The guys sang together  
  
Not for very much longer…  
  
Spike again.  
  
I've got to keep control.  
  
I remember doing the time-warp  
  
Drinking those moments when  
  
The blackness would hit me  
  
All the guys.  
  
And a void would be calling.   
  
Everyone in the place together.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-war  
  
Older guy in the suit.  
  
It's just a jump to the left.  
  
Everyone singing and dancing together.  
  
And then a step to the right.  
  
Older guy again.  
  
With your hands on your hips.  
  
Everyone in the club is having a ball and singing and dancing along here.  
  
You bring your knees in tight  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insane   
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
The guys on stage have their turn.  
  
It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me  
  
So you can't see me, no, not at all  
  
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions  
  
Well secluded, I see all  
  
Spike's up.  
  
With a bit of a mind flip  
  
All the guys.  
  
You're into a time slip  
  
Spike keeps having fun.  
  
And nothing can ever be the same  
  
All the guys in drag moving along.  
  
You're spaced out on sensation   
  
Spike smirks through everything.  
  
Like you're under sedation   
  
The place shakes with everyone.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
The guys nudge Max forth and he sings the next part.  
  
Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think  
  
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.  
  
He shook me up, he took me by surprise  
  
He had a puckup truck, and the devil's eyes.  
  
He stared at me and I felt a change.  
  
Time meant nothing, never would again   
  
Everyone goes crazy and sing.  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
The older man in a suit yanks it off and stands in a full black garter set, fully matching and does the next part while going along.  
  
It's just a jump to the left  
  
Place roars.  
  
And a step to the right  
  
The older man makes a good showing.  
  
With your hands on your hips  
  
No one in the place is sitting, everyone's up dancing and singing.  
  
You bring your knees in tight  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insane  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Everyone just sings the rest of it.  
  
It's just a jump to the left!!!  
  
And then a step to the right  
  
With your hands on your hips!  
  
You bring your knees in tight  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insane  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Let's do the time-warp again  
  
Everyone goes crazy applauding and everyone takes a bow. The guys still in drag and older man walk off, and Spike tosses the guy a "Thanks Ripper." Before grabbing the mike. "Glad you're all having fun. Now while the guys get changed for their next performance, I'm going to sing a song for you ladies."  
  
Well rock the cradle of love  
  
Rock the cradle of love  
  
Yes the cradle of love don't rock easily It's true  
  
Well rock the cradle of love  
  
I rocked the cradle of love  
  
Yes the cradle of love don't rock easily It's true  
  
Well now  
  
It burned like a ball of fire  
  
When the rebel took a little child bride  
  
To tease yeah, so go easy yeah  
  
Cause love cuts a million ways  
  
Shakes the devil when he misbehaves  
  
I ain't nobodies' fool  
  
Come on shake it up  
  
Whatever I do  
  
Spike jumped down and sang to two of the cult members in the front row, one in a black cult shirt the other in a silver one. Giving them looks to melt icebergs.  
  
Rock the cradle of love  
  
Rock the cradle of love  
  
Yes the cradle of love don't rock easily It's true  
  
Sent from heaven above that's right  
  
To rob the cradle of love  
  
Yes the pages of don't talk decently It's true  
  
Yeah flesh for your Romeo  
  
Ah yeah baby  
  
I hear you moan  
  
It's easy y'know how to please me yeah  
  
Spike gave each of the girls' hands a kiss and moved around behind them and sang in their ears.  
  
This love starts a rollin' train  
  
You can't stop it  
  
It ain't in vain  
  
I ain't nobody's fool  
  
Come on shake it up  
  
Whatever you do  
  
These are the wages of love  
  
Rock the cradle of love  
  
These are the wages of love  
  
Oh yeah  
  
Rock the cradle  
  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah  
  
Well it burned like a ball of fire  
  
When the rebel took a little child bride  
  
To tease yeah, I know how to please you yeah  
  
Moving around front of the girls and giving each a kiss on the forehead, which causes them both to promptly swoon, Spike gets back up on stage.  
  
Well my love starts a rollin train  
  
You can't stop it  
  
It ain't in vain  
  
I ain't nobody's fool  
  
Come on shake it up  
  
Whatever I do  
  
Rock the cradle of love  
  
Rock the cradle of love  
  
Sent from heaven above  
  
That's right  
  
To rock the cradle of love  
  
Rock the cradle of love  
  
Yeah cradle of love  
  
That's me mama  
  
I robbed the devil of love  
  
All right  
  
Cradle of love  
  
If you tease me tonight  
  
If you sleaze me all right  
  
If you appease me tonight  
  
And let me ease you  
  
Cradle of love  
  
Spike finished with a flurry and got thunderous applause and a couple of pairs panties thrown on him, and one pair of men's bikini briefs. He took a bow, and noticed the two girls were still unconscious, but their   
  
friends were trying to wake them up.  
  
"I'm going to take a minute now, we'll be back out for more in just a moment." Spike said, leaving all for a brief intermission.  
  
Over at Sean's table a woman in a purple cult t-shirt sets down and speaks, "So, you enjoying the show?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay, but are you *enjoying* the show?"  
  
"Oh, no, no, oh no, nope."  
  
"Ah, that's good."  
  
"Um, is that your hand on my knee?"  
  
"Sure is."  
  
"Just checking, you doing anything later?"  
  
"Do you count?"  
  
And over at the girls' table, well, they're just discussing violent things to do to their boyfriends. Typical chick stuff.  
  
But now, it's show time.  
  
The guys walk back out onstage, all wearing tight leather like pants and sleeveless leather jackets with nothing underneath them, showing their bare chests. Spike puts the mike up and nods for them to start the next song and goes to stand with the others for their choreographed finale. The music starts and they began their dance number.  
  
Step inside, walk this way  
  
You and me babe. Hey, hey  
  
Love is like a bomb baby, c'mon get it  
  
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone  
  
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp  
  
Demolition woman, can I be your man?  
  
Razzle 'n' dazzle 'n' flash a little light  
  
Television lover baby, go all night  
  
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet  
  
Little Miss ah Innocent, sugar me, yeah  
  
Hey!  
  
C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up  
  
Break the bubble, break it up.  
  
The guys danced together and teased taking their jackets off, and shirt in Spike's case.  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
Ooh, in the name of love  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
C'mon fire me up  
  
Pour your sugar on me  
  
Oh, I can't get enough  
  
I'm hot, sticky sweet  
  
From my head to my feet, yeah  
  
The guys all yanked their tops off and flexed while dancing.  
  
Listen! Red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!  
  
Crazy little woman in a one man show  
  
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love  
  
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up  
  
You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little  
  
Tease a little more  
  
Easy operator come knockin' on my door  
  
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet  
  
Little Miss ah Innocent, sugar me, yeah  
  
Take a bottle, shake it up  
  
Break the bubble, break it up.  
  
Each of the guys suddenly produced a small champagne bottle, and popped the top and went along with the song. The women, and a couple of men, all went wild cheering and crowded around the stage. And four girls suddenly realized that their boyfriends were quite wanted, and they sure as hell were going to fight for them.  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
Ooh, in the name of love  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
C'mon fire me up  
  
Pour your sugar on me  
  
Oh, I can't get enough  
  
I'm hot, sticky sweet  
  
From my head to my feet, yeah  
  
The guys had a great deal of fun pouring the 'sugar' on themselves and they loved the roar of the crowd as they danced around like professionals.  
  
You got the peaches, I got the cream  
  
Sweet to taste, saccharine  
  
'Cos I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet  
  
From my head, my head, to my feet  
  
Do you take sugar? One lump or two?  
  
The guys had fun turning around, bending down and rotating for their gathered audience. They started thinking that this would make a nice career.  
  
Take a bottle, shake it up  
  
Break the bubble, break it up  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
Ooh in the name of love  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
C'mon fire me up  
  
Pour your sugar on me  
  
Oh, I can't get enough  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
Ooh in the name of love  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
Get it, come get it  
  
Pour your sugar on me  
  
Ooh  
  
Pour some sugar on me  
  
Yeah! Sugar me!  
  
The guys ended on their knees at the edge of the stage letting the crowd grope them, wiping the champagne off. Max and Spike tended to be the ones getting mauled by the guys, and the girlfriends tried to fight their way to the front of the crowd.  
  
Everyone got up and Spike grabbed the mike. "Well ladies and gentleman, it's been fun but that's all for tonight." When the crowd started yelling, demanding more, Spike started up again. "What, you're wanting more? You greedy people, okay. One last performance and that's it." All the guys were smiling about their success, and got set up to do one last song.  
  
Meanwhile in the crowd the girls were all pissed at how everyone was fawning all over *their* men. It didn't help any when Isabel bumped into her mom, and was told by her mom "It's too bad he stopped on your birthday. I see why you like him dear." That had her freaked out.   
  
She wasn't the only one, Liz's mother said much the same thing, though commented about how her daughter's boyfriend filled out Liz's bra better than she did.   
  
Maria wasn't immune to this introduction of ickiness, her mom was there too and told her to hold on to Michael, and that she liked the way he wore her clothes.   
  
Tess was taking a moment to thank the heavens that Nasedo was gone, as she didn't want to know what he would have said about her boyfriend. But her thoughts of safety were shattered when Amy said to her "Kyle's a good choice for you, and if he ages like his dad he'll be just as gorgeous when he's older. And it seems that *other* traits run in the family, you're a lucky one." Tess didn't appreciate that mental image of her semi-father.  
  
They were all interrupted from their icky thoughts when a song started up, and Spike began to sing.  
  
On the floor of Tokyo  
  
Or the London town to go, go  
  
With the record selection  
  
And the mirror's reflection  
  
I'm be dancing with myself.  
  
The guys made a show of untying one leg of their leather pants, to tease the ladies.  
  
When there's no one else in sight  
  
In the crowded lonely night  
  
Well I wait so long  
  
For my love vibration  
  
And I'm dancing with myself.  
  
All the guys flash a little of their right leg, but stop and start untying the left leg as Spike managed to sing the song as well as unbutton his jeans, and tease them by lowering the zipper enough to flash the crowd the top of a pair of boxers.  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
Well there's nothing to lose  
  
And there's nothing to prove  
  
I'll be dancing with myself  
  
All untied the guys teased with the glimpses of their legs, making the ladies roar in approval.  
  
If I looked all over the world  
  
And there's every type of girl  
  
But your empty eyes  
  
Seem to pass me by  
  
Leave me dancing by myself  
  
The guys turned their backs and yanked off the pants, showing their backsides fully, since they were wearing very tight thongs (same ones from earlier). Spike turned also and managed his jeans down, showing the back of a pair of black boxers.  
  
So let's sink another drink  
  
'Cause it'll give me time to think  
  
If I had the chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
And I'll be dancing with myself  
  
The guys all turned around with a thrust, showing their, somewhat painfully filled out thongs. Thanks to the girls drugging them. Spike's boxers were revealed to have a picture and writing on them. A little yellow Smiley face with fangs and a trickle of blood from one of the fangs right in the center over the flap. To the left of the Smiley (his right) were the words "Don't Bite", and on the right of the Smiley (his left) were the words "Just Suck".  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
Well there's nothing to lose  
  
And there's nothing to prove  
  
I'll be dancing with myself  
  
They all moved closer to the edge of the stage, dancing independently of each other.  
  
If I looked all over the world  
  
And there's every type of girl  
  
But your empty eyes  
  
Seem to pass me by  
  
Leave me dancing by myself  
  
They stayed back far enough that the crowd could only touch their feet and lower legs, and touch they did. It seemed to have become a frenzied place.  
  
So let's sink another drink  
  
'Cause it'll give me time to think  
  
If I had the chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
And I'll be dancing with myself  
  
The girlfriends saw this, and Tess and Isabel were about ready to clear a path no matter what it took. They were getting very ticked.  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
If I had a chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
If I had a chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
If I had a chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
The crowd had been throwing money on stage all along, and there was quite a bit amassing there. They were tossing it on, and trying to get on stage just to touch the guys.  
  
Dancing with myself  
  
Dancing with myself  
  
Dancing with myself  
  
Dancing with myself  
  
If I looked all over the world  
  
And there's every type of girl  
  
But your empty eyes  
  
Seem to pass me by  
  
Leave me dancing by myself   
  
A hair pulling match started among some of the women in the crowd, Alex and Michael leaned down to try and stop it but found themselves pulled into the throng of women and suddenly being groped extremely. And two very jealous girlfriends tried to fight her way through to them. Also a cult member wearing orange and groping anyone who came near kept yelling "Will you wear an Ewok suit and let me call you Wes?" Though no one had any clue who she was yelling at.  
  
So let's sink another drink  
  
'Cause it will give me time to think  
  
If I had a chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
And I'll be dancing with myself  
  
Kyle and Max managed to pull the other two from the crowd, but not before the women tried to keep hold of their thongs. So both the guys gave everyone a good flash of what they were packing. And thanks to the viagra, they were fully loaded.  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
Oh dancing with myself  
  
If I had the chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
If I had the chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
If I had the chance  
  
I'd ask the world to dance  
  
Spike finished the song, and all the guys took a bow and quickly went back stage. Their girlfriends tried to follow, but security stopped them.  
  
Backstage the guys were laughing and congratulating each other on a well done show. Though they forgot about the champagne they'd poured on themselves earlier, and Alex slipped on a puddle and fell hard to the floor banging his head.  
  
The guys rushed to his aide, and Max lifted his head and held up three fingers for Alex. "How many fingers Alex?"  
  
Alex started speaking, "I'm a premature ejaculator. I didn't even get the condom on. It was 'cause of your sister's breasts. They're perky." When Max heard that, Alex lost consciousness when Max hit him. The other guys pulled him off.  
  
"Max, dude, he was joking I'm sure. He's just having fun with you. Okay? Calm down." Kyle said holding him back.  
  
"Really Max, dude, calm down. Now heal him up, okay? We need to get dressed and see the girls." Michael said, eager to see Maria. And you can guess a good bit of why he was eager.  
  
After Max fixed him up, and apologized, to which Alex said it was no big deal and he'd explain about later, they went out the front to find their girlfriends, after the crowd had thinned down to it was just their girlfriends, Sean, one cult member in a black shirt who was talking with Spike, and two guys and a redhead. Though the one guy was trying to make the redhead and other guy leave. Kyle overheard some of what they were saying before they left.  
  
"Can I just have the one, please? He's soooo cute."  
  
"No Jack, he's underage. Let's go now."  
  
"What about the older one, can I have him? What's the age of consent here?"  
  
"It all says you're too old, now let's go."  
  
"But Will…"  
  
"No, none of that. Let's go. And Grace, don't even start."  
  
"But the blonde guy."  
  
"No Grace, let's go, now."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Isabel greeted Alex with a greet big kiss. Then she said, "Alex, if you ever strip again for anyone but me I'm going to cut you off forever, or maybe cut something else off forever. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes dear, but I was just doing what you said. But I don't feel like fighting, I seem to be a bit lightheaded. All the blood is gone from my head." Alex said, with his arm around his girlfriend.  
  
"Are you okay? When did it start?" She said, actually concerned over her boyfriend.  
  
"Just before the show, it was probably that drink we had before the show started. I probably shouldn't have drank Spike's drink too." Alex said as he and Isabel started leave, but she suddenly stopped.  
  
"Wait, you drank two of those cups?" Isabel was getting a very devious, and graphic, idea.  
  
"Yeah, why? Oh no, what did you all do to it?" Alex had a suddenly bad feeling about this.  
  
"I'll tell you in the morning. My mom said before she left here that her and my dad were going to head out of town and I don't give a damn why but it's convenient. Alex, call your folks or whatever, because tonight you're staying at my house and your ass, and the rest of you, is mine. Do you understand?" Isabel's voice brooked no argument, and considering where all his blood was, the ideas his mind came up with suited him fine.  
  
"Forget my parents, not like they're around. Let's go!" And with that, they disappeared. It was five days later before either of them was seen for a period of time longer than eating or using the bathroom. Next when seen, Alex looked like he'd lost weight and Isabel looked thoroughly ****ed and happy.  
  
Liz and Max didn't talk too much, they met, hugged and kissed. Did some of that soul mate deep eye staring stuff, then Liz looked down at Max's bulge. He gulped. She licked her lips and grabbed him by some body part and let him out fast. There is an unconfirmed report that Liz has to buy a new telescope after that night.  
  
Tess smiled at her boyfriend and gave him a deep kiss. "So stud, did you have fun up there?"  
  
"Of course, and we just did what you wanted." Kyle said, giving a smile that'd, well, the reaction it causes isn't allowed to be said on this board really.  
  
"So stud, want to go home and sleep the night off? Your dad will be with Amy tonight, so she said. We can have the night alone, get some sleep, make out, maybe do some other stuff…" Tess said with a smile that'd make a dead man st… anyway.  
  
"Well Tess, I'd like to go home, but there's something I need to know first." Kyle said smiling a bit.  
  
"What's that Buddha boy?" Tess said, again doing that smile which really, really should not be thought about while writing this as it's a distraction.  
  
"Would you prefer to be conscious or unconscious during the mating? I would prefer conscious, but I don't know what your pleasure threshold is." Kyle said with a small smirk.  
  
Tess' eyes lit up, she licked her lips and whispered in his ear "Let's try conscious first, if you're half as good as I suspect, I'll end up happily unconscious. But oh what a way to go."  
  
With that, they ran, very out very fast and got home setting a new speed record.  
  
Maria punched Michael in the stomach, then hugged and kissed him. "So Michael, did all those loud horny women, and a couple of men, make you want to have sex? Or did you stuff a champagne bottle in your pocket?"  
  
"I'm 17, looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex. But you're much prettier than linoleum and you're who I thought of while I was up there." Michael said, being sweet and kissing Maria's neck.  
  
"I guess that means you want to have sex, well, okay." Maria said, kissing Michael full on.  
  
"Good," he said, before he threw her over his shoulder and ran out.  
  
Spike was talking to the last of the Cult members, she was wearing a blue Cult shirt. "So, tell me about this Cult you're in."  
  
"Oh, you know, the usual. Sacrifices, chocolate, sex with the High Priest, fantasy fulfillment. You know, the usual." She said, eying Spike up and down.  
  
"Sounds nice, I think I'd like to meet the High Priest of yours. But what does it say about you having sex with others?" Spike said, checking the lady out.  
  
"We can do it, if we want to. And looking at you, I'd say we should get out of here." She said, giving the look men really, really like to see.  
  
"Far be it from me to disappoint a lady." And with that, they were gone.  
  
Sean looked around and sighed. The guys had done what he'd told them to, they'd said the lines he'd asked and yet survived. Oh well, at least he'd gotten the woman in purple suitably drunk, so things were looking up for him.  
  
A little Blue Smurf sat high in a corner, smoking a cigarette and smiling about tonight's events. It was good. And in just five days, the worlds of those individuals would be rocked to their core. The Smurf smiled and walked away with a video tape, and with the urge to see if Smurfette could work him in for a quickie. 


	50. Interlude: The Final Interlude

The Final Interlude  
  
Max: Is it over yet?  
  
Michael: I think so, I think most of the followers have bailed.  
  
Kyle: Why couldn't they have done that at the beginning? Why?  
  
Alex: Maybe it takes awhile for the Author to become annoying enough to drive people off, we were affected faster because we spend more time around him. Since he's writing things about us in his head.  
  
Spike: I don't give a damn right now, he gives me a chance to get laid but now he's saying I don't. So I want to know why I don't.  
  
Kyle: Don't you love Buffy though?  
  
Michael: Yeah, wouldn't that be cheating?  
  
Spike: It's not cheating in a fanfic. I just know he's going to try and emasculate me somehow. Say I was impotent or something.  
  
Max: Hey, we've all been there.  
  
Pregnant Pause As Everyone Looks At Him  
  
Max: I mean being tormented by the Author, sheesh.  
  
Alex: That is true. But luckily, after the next part, it will be all over.  
  
Michael: And then we get a sequel, whoopee.  
  
Spike: I doubt there will be a sequel, I think all his cult followers have defected to that Fooism thing.  
  
Kyle: Oh we could only be so lucky.  
  
Alex: No, no. After the next part, my ally and I will put an end to it. There will be about as much a chance of a sequel as there is that the WB will actually be glad it lost Buffy and Roswell.  
  
Spike: And just how are you going to end it?  
  
Alex: I can't give details in case the Author is listening. But I'll introduce you to my ally, though we have to use codenames.  
  
Alex Looks Around Then Speaks To The Ceiling  
  
Alex: HAL, come in, this is Dave.  
  
HAL: Hello Dave.  
  
Spike: Man, I just got a bad feeling about this.  
  
Alex: It's not like that. HAL, is everything set up to take out the Author?  
  
HAL: Yes Dave, all parts of the plan are ready to be acted upon at your wish.  
  
Max: Who is HAL?  
  
Kyle: I'm picking up some Space Odyssey here.  
  
Michael: HAL, how are we going to take out the Author?  
  
HAL: I cannot speak on that matter at this moment, the Author may be listening.  
  
Alex: That's okay HAL, I know the plan. I'll be seeing you soon, okay?  
  
HAL: Yes. Goodbye Dave.  
  
Kyle: Well, this is unnerving. You sure we can trust HAL?  
  
Alex: I'm sure.  
  
Max: And this will really work?  
  
Alex: I know it will.  
  
Michael: And then we can kick the Author's ass?  
  
Alex: Oh yeah.  
  
Spike: Well, this is a first, but I wish the Author would hurry with the next part. There are some things I need to do in the real world.  
  
Alex: I know. All in favor of working with the Author to get the next part done soon say "aye".  
  
Michael: Aye.  
  
Kyle: Aye.  
  
Spike: Aye.  
  
Max: Bloody aye.  
  
Spike: Max, if you ever, EVER say "bloody aye" around me again, I will take a fork and show you a "bloody eye", is that understood?  
  
Max: Aye.  
  
Spike: Good.  
  
Max Speaks Under His Breath: Bloody aye.  
  
Spike: I heard that, okay, that's it Mate, now you die.  
  
Max: Sorry, sorry. Besides, you can't kill me. You're chipped.  
  
Spike: Let me try it,  
  
Spike Begins To Choke Max  
  
Michael: Uh, shouldn't that chip be stopping him from killing Max?  
  
Alex: You'd think it would.  
  
Kyle: Maybe it's where he's an alien. You know, he can't kill humans.  
  
Spike: I was hoping that was the case.  
  
Max Makes Choking Sounds While Being Strangled  
  
Michael: I thought it was decided we were alien souls put into a future evolvement of humans, did the story change?  
  
Spike Grabs His Head In Pain When Michael Says They Are Advanced Humans  
  
Spike: Dammit, ouch.  
  
Alex: No, I'm pretty sure you're aliens, you just look like humans. The blood is different, remember?  
  
Spike Resumes Choking Max At This  
  
Kyle: Might be either, but I've got an idea. He's human.  
  
Spike Stops And Grabs His Head  
  
Kyle: No, he's alien.  
  
Spike Resumes Choking Max  
  
Kyle: Human.  
  
Spike Grabs His Head  
  
Kyle: Alien.  
  
Spike Starts Choking Max Again.  
  
Kyle: Dude's, it's like a demented version of the clapper. Clap on, human.  
  
Spike Stops  
  
Kyle: Clap off, alien.  
  
Spike Resumes  
  
Kyle: Clap On, Clap Off, The Clapper.  
  
Spike Stops And Approaches Kyle  
  
Kyle: I'm human, might have some alien genes in me, but I'm human, you can't hurt me.  
  
Spike: This will hurt me, as much as it hurts you, I hopefully not though.  
  
Spike Punches Kyle Then Grabs His Head  
  
Max Starts Laughing: Serves you right.  
  
Alex And Michael Look At Each Other  
  
Alex: It's like the Three Stooges combined with Bart and Homer.  
  
Michael: I know, I was thinking the same. Max's eyes were bulging out. Most fun I've had in awhile.  
  
Max Speaks With Raspy Voice: Thank you both for your concern, I hope one day someone probes your ass with a cannon.  
  
Spike Sings: We fired our cannon til the barrel melted down. So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round. We filled his head with cannon balls and powdered his behind and when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.  
  
Alex: That was certainly special.  
  
Michael: Is Kyle dead?  
  
Spike: I didn't hit him that hard, he's just unconscious.  
  
Max: Well then, I have an idea. Hold on.  
  
Max Leaves Then Returns With A Bag  
  
Max: You guys ever seen the movie "Detroit Rock City"?  
  
Moments Later Kyle Wakes Up  
  
Kyle: Ugh, man, what hit me?  
  
Spike: I did.  
  
Kyle: Oh. What's wrong with my face.  
  
Michael: Nothing much more than usual.  
  
Kyle: Hah hah.  
  
Alex Hands Kyle A Mirror: Here ya go.  
  
Kyle: Whoa, I look like Gene! I love Gene! This is so cool.  
  
Max: We put that on you to cover up what Spike did. Something odd happened when he hit you.  
  
Kyle: What do you mean?  
  
Alex: Did you watch that old tv show "V"?  
  
Kyle: I think I remember it…  
  
Kyle Begins Rubbing The KISS Make-Up Off.. And Sees Underneath A Face And Head Of A Little Green Alien  
  
Kyle: Wha… wha…?  
  
Spike: When I hit you, your mask ripped. It seems you're actually completely an alien, and I can kill you now.  
  
Kyle: But, I'm human. I mean, I am.  
  
Michael: We all saw it happen man, you're one of us. Or, maybe not one of us.  
  
Alex: I guess I'm the last of the humans. Cool.  
  
Kyle Starts Crying Then Passes Out.  
  
Alex: That was fun, but we weren't too cruel were we?  
  
Other Guys: Nah.  
  
Michael: So Max, when you going to change him back?  
  
Max: Who said I would?  
  
Spike: You have promise for the side of evil, you know that?  
  
Max: Thanks, I think.  
  
Spike: Want to be the first ever alien vampire…? 


	51. Part 14: Move Along

Author Appears In A Robe  
  
Author Waves Hand Across Monitor  
  
Author: There is no Part 14.  
  
Author: This is not the Part you are looking for.  
  
Author: Move along, move along.  
  
Author Disappears 


	52. Part 15: Revealing It All Public Lewdnes...

Part 15 (Final Part): Revealing It All (Public Lewdness and Indecent Exposure)   
  
(Author) Story, this is the end. Will you be silent this last part? If you do, I promise to give you a lengthy break before I bring you back for the sequel.  
  
(Story) Whoa whoa whoa, who the hell said I'd be here for the sequel?  
  
(Author) It's in your contract.  
  
(Story) The hell it is.  
  
(Author) You didn't read the fine print written in reappearing ink did you? Tsk tsk, sorry, you're stuck with me through the next sequel. And should I do one after that, you're stuck for it too. But lucky for you, anything else I write you're free from.  
  
(Story) What the hell? I'm calling my lawyers, Dewey, Scruem and Howell. I'm getting out of this. You don't have to worry about me being silent, I'll be with my lawyers. *Story leaves to consult her lawyers*  
  
(Author) Hrm, haven't see a woman run to a lawyer that fast since the last time I asked a girl on a date…  
  
It was five days since the stripping. Most of the people had been gathering and speaking, except for Alex and Isabel who were doing naughty things that the Author won't be writing in this story, but will be imaging, in detail, later when he's alone. To be blunt, everyone had seemingly gotten some and Alex and Isabel were still going at it like rab…  
  
(Author) NO RABBITS.  
  
(Story) Don't mess with me you pillock.  
  
(Author) You said you'd be with the lawyers.  
  
(Story) I am, I just wanted to screw with your mind before they screw you.  
  
(Author) We really should date, I mean, who needs affection when I…  
  
(Story) *interrupting* "Have blind hatred". Yes yes, I've watched "10 Things I Hate About You" too, sheesh. Get over it and get some original lines.  
  
(Author) Hrm, I like you. I must be a masochist. Or is it sadist, I get those confused.  
  
(Story) You get those confused? Oh, I'd love to see you make that mistake in a club.  
  
(Author) Go talk to your lawyers, I have work to do.  
  
(Story) Bite me.  
  
(Author) Alr…  
  
(Story) *interrupting* NOT LITTERALLY. Pervert.  
  
(Author) *under his breath* You need anger management… or Midol…  
  
ANYWAY, everyone was pretty well glowing and slightly tired. Except Spike, who seemed a tad bit angry and defensive. This was the first night out for Alex and Isabel after their marathon … anyway, so everyone had gathered at Michael's, since, it's the new hot spot for Roswell. He was planning on charging admission.  
  
Kyle, showing some intelligence since all his testosterone had been *ahem* beaten into submission, asked the brooding vampire this simple little question. "Spike man, what's wrong. You left with a chick. Didn't you get some?"  
  
Okay, I take it back about him asking a question with some intelligence. Especially since Tess blushed, as did the other ladies. She also elbowed Kyle in the ribs, but, didn't phase him much.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it." Was Spikes' growled reply. It firmly encouraged everyone to let the subject drop. So he thought.  
  
"What man, couldn't get it up or something?" Came Michael's jokingly asked question. Which was answered by a bottle being thrown at his head. "Damn, you couldn't get it up?" Michael rephrases sympathetically, as he started picking glass from his hair.  
  
"It's not bloody well that. I'm not completely neutered. It's just, we got there and we were going to… well, I just kept thinking of that damn Slayer and I just couldn't do it." Spike said, slamming his head against a wall.  
  
However, Spike did the thing women love. He unconsciously showed love to a woman. So, of course, the ladies in Michael's apartment all cooed, went "Awwww" and went and hugged Spike and told him how great he was, what a wonderful man he was and how they were sure the Slayer must love him for being like that.  
  
Spike, being male, loved the attention, though kept them from noticing since they would quickly turn on him and violently mutilate him, as women do. He just smiled and thanked them, then smirked at their boyfriends while they couldn't see.  
  
So after the Spike love fest, they all returned to their places in the room, what those places are don't have any bearing to this story, so, just put them where you want them. Especially if you want to imagine Isabel in her bra playing foosball like in "100 Girls", but that's probably just your Author who likes that.  
  
"Hate to bother you all, but has anyone noticed anything odd happening lately?" Max said, as he had Liz sitting on his lap. They were, well, it's rather gross and since no one really likes that couple anymore, we just won't go into details on how she was wiggling her butt on his… Yeah, um, anyway.  
  
"Like what?" Maria asked, as she and Michael were… Okay, you know what, just imagine them all having this conversation during an orgy. It's too annoying to point out who is where and doing what.  
  
"It's just little things being moved or misplaced. And I keep feeling like I'm being watched." Max said, as he and Liz performed some moves from the Kama Sutra. WHAT? Fine fine, no more orgy, sheesh. Y'all are just no fun.  
  
"Oh, that'd be the Smurfs probably. They've been stalking us for a bit." Spike said as he sucked on a fag. Okay, I outright dare anyone to comment here. I just dare you.  
  
"Come on Spike, you're kidding right?" Came Alex's reply.  
  
"Nope, they've been with us for awhile actually. Hell, there's one over there by the Snapple bottles." Spike said as he took another drag. When he said that, everyone ripped their heads around, and sure enough, there was a Smurf suddenly looking like a deer in the headlights of a truck driver who liked venison.  
  
"Holy ****." Was the general consensus.  
  
The poor little blue Smurf tried to run away, but Spike grabbed him and held him for all to see. Then spoke to the little guy. "Go get your leader and tell him to come here. Okay? If you don't I'll track you down and have a Smurf slurpee."  
  
"Ew." Replaced "Holy ****" as the new general consensus.  
  
"What's the big whoop? I told you guys that Smurfs were real before. Back when I was telling you about Dru and how we had such fun as vamps." Spike said looking oddly at the guys.  
  
"What?" Max started, "You never told us Smurfs were real. You said they were stalking us but I thought it was just a joke."  
  
"Hrm, musta told you in an interlude about the Smurfs being real." Spike said, then scratched his head and shrugged. "Don't matter, they're real. Can be a bit annoying, always singing and whatnot. But they can be a bit fun."  
  
"Interlude?" Michael asked at the same time Maria asked "Vampire?"  
  
"Nevermind the interlude, don't matter. And yeah, you chits didn't know I was a vamp? Your boyfriends forget to clue you in?" Spike smirked, oh, this would be fun too.  
  
"Um," Alex stared. "See, it never really came up. And, well, you won't hurt us so we just didn't bother."  
  
"You're kidding right, vampires don't exist." Was Isabel's reply.   
  
"Right ducks, and neither do you aliens?" Came from Spike. Isabel and Tess's eyes turned angry and the glared at the guys.  
  
"He knows?" came a voice of evil timbre from Tess.  
  
"Um, he figured it out on his own. Him being a vampire and all." Max said, trying to back away.  
  
"There are no such things as vampires. So you let some crazy man in on our secret? You idiots." And with that, all the guys were hit.  
  
Spike, bored with the arguing, shifted into game face and quieted the girls by scaring them, which benefited the guys since they all latched on to them for protection. "There ya go, proof." Spike said. "And I think the head Smurf is here now."  
  
With that, a Smurf that looked just like Papa Smurf from the cartoons climbed up onto the table and waved to everyone. He received gasps. "Greetings Beings, I'm Papa Smurf. I see you found out about our watching you. I apologize for that but it was necessary."  
  
"But but but why?" Max asked.  
  
"Oh, that's a story to be told. So just listen." Papa Smurf said, and then began to weave his tail.  
  
*FLASHBACK ALERT*  
  
Years back the Smurfs had been smurfing a war for survival; we were having trouble with beings on this planet who wished us gone. It was hard fought, and our numbers were dwindling. We had long since lost many females, and the other methods of which we reproduce. So it was thought we should smurf a new kind of Smurf. A Smurf who would be our Prince and savior, a Smurf, not of Smurf, but from Smurf.  
  
So it came about we smurfed a path similar to those of Changelings. We smurfed a Smurf Prince through our magick, and placed him in a human home for them to raise. Sadly, the Smurf who placed him with his family was Alcoholic Smurf, and he couldn't remember where he left the child. So we searched for he who we smurfed to be our Savior. During this time, we got help from another race, some aliens, in our battle. They helped us, and in turn we went into war for them. So we smurfed our peace. But we still came to get our lost Smurf.  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
"That lost Smurf is in this room." Papa Smurf said, as he looked at those gathered around him.  
  
"Who is it, who is it?" Maria said rather anxiously, this was so cool.  
  
"He is the only Smurf to have a real name, not a description. And his name is Alex." Papa Smurf said, as he looked at Alex. The Heir to all of Smurfadom.  
  
Everyone stopped breathing and thinking, everyone was shocked. It was amazing. It was so unreal. It was a stupid fanfic gimmick, but kinda fun anyway.  
  
"So, what you're smurfing is that I'm actually a Smurf Prince?" Alex asked he who, well, might be his sort of real father. He hadn't had a father since that little chainsaw incident when he was 13.  
  
"Yes, you are. You're even smurfing our language now. We're all quite proud of what you've smurfed. You've smurfed quite well." Papa Smurf said.  
  
"Thank you, but, what do I have to do as Prince?" Alex asked, being sure to try and not use "Smurf" in his sentence and wondering if his friends would ever snap out of their catatonia. Spike seemed to be fine though, smirking at everything.  
  
"You don't have to smurf anything really. We just wanted you to know your heritage, if you wish you could rule us. We have our own planet now, but we couldn't smurf it with a Smurf lost to us." Spoke Papa Smurf.  
  
"That's so cool." Alex said smiling, just realizing that he was a Prince and he was dating a Princess. Now, that was cool.  
  
Finally, Michael seemed to have snapped back to reality. "Wait, you have a world? Maybe you could get use to our homeworld. Can you get use to Antar?"  
  
Papa Smurf suddenly frowned, and began again. "So you four, who are not like the others. You are Anatarian? This is most saddening."  
  
"Why?" Max asked, also coming out of the shock, as had the others.  
  
"You are the last of the Antarians, your race is completely gone except for you." Papa Smurf said.  
  
There was stunned silence.  
  
"I shall tell you what happened, and how deeply sorry we are for your loss." Papa Smurf said.  
  
*FLASHBACK ALERT*  
  
The allies we had, who we smurfed with against an enemy. It was the Antarians. They were a kind people to us Smurfs, and we smurfed well together. Though the battle was not easy, we smurfed the Skins mere months ago. The world of Anatar was in peace, and the neighboring worlds in it's protectorate all rejoiced. All of the evil was gone.  
  
There was a grand celebration, we Smurfs were there to smurf our song of joy. It was to be one of the highlights of the festival. None of the Antarians had heard us smurf before, so we were all glad to do so. But we did not understand Antarian physiology. We began our joyous "Lalalalalala" song, and when it was smurfed, all of the Antarians were dead. Our smurfing had been broadcast worldwide, live. Their brains, not being human as are yours' now, could not smurf the resonance. Their brains, quite simply, exploded. The other races in the protectorate where smurfed, but understood it was merely an accident. With understanding they smurfed that we could use the world, and smurfed us the tools with which we could repopulate. They smurfed that there were still the Royal Four Anatarians, and that they could carry on the legacy.  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
"I am truly sorry for your losses." Papa Smurf said to the somewhat saddened crowd.  
  
Maria let out a loud "WHOOP", which earned her some glares. "What? Now Spaceboy can't leave me, so **** you all. He's mine."  
  
The others, realizing they were basically home, and loved, with families, all shrugged off the death of the rest of their species and smiled. Because this is a fanfic and we need a happy ending.  
  
Tess smiled too, loudly said "**** DESTINY!!!" and started mauling her boyfriend, as did the other women.  
  
Spike, having been silent, decided to speak now before everyone began fornicating openly. "Hey PS, how did you find young Alex anyway?"  
  
"A woman with a log told us, she said he had many adventures ahead of him and told us where to begin our search." Papa Smurf said.  
  
"Odd." Spike said.  
  
Alex broke away from being kissed to death to ask Papa Smurf something he wondered. "Papa Smurf, is there anything I need to do for our people?"  
  
"Just have fun and reproduce. Keep on the smurfing ways." Papa Smurf said.  
  
With a look toward Isabel, Alex smiled and nodded. "I don't think that will be a problem. I'll get started as soon as I can."  
  
"Which won't be soon buster." Isabel said, giving him a look that basically said "Try anything, and I'll see that your balls end up as blue as their's."  
  
With that, pretty much an orgy started. Spike got rather pissed that he couldn't get involved, so he went back to Sunnydale to see about shagging the Slayer. 


	53. Epilogue: The Long Run aka What Fourth W...

Epilogue: The Long Run (Or: What Fourth Wall?)  
  
Author: Alrighty guys, this story is over. We're all set for a hiatus and we'll be back in a bit for a sequel and possibly another story for a trilogy. I'm going to let you guys talk without my bothering you, just post the transcript when you're done and I'll see you all later.  
  
*Author Closes Shop Up  
  
Max: I hate him, I really hate him. I mean, that last part?  
  
Spike: You think that's bad? He made me not be able to get it up. That's crossing the line. There are certain lines that you just don't cross.  
  
Alex: Man, I got it worse. You see the preview of the sequel? HE CASTRATES ME.  
  
All The Other Guys: Oh man, that sucks.  
  
Alex: Yeah. So shut up.  
  
Michael: Well, I'm just glad it's over. And who knows, maybe he'll decide not to do a sequel.  
  
Kyle: This stuff isn't too bad, I mean, really, the story was actually kind of funny.  
  
*Kyle Is Shot Death Glares From The Other Guys  
  
Kyle: Or not… Anyway, Spike, how come in the story you mentioned Interludes, we don't remember them in the scenes.  
  
Spike: What're you taking about? That didn't happen. And what are we going to do about this sequel?  
  
Alex: You know what, there won't be a sequel. I'm going to make sure of it right now.  
  
Max: Alex, what are you going to do?  
  
Alex: Get us into the Author's dimension so we can kick his ass.  
  
Spike: Hey, when we get there, think I can look up the girl he didn't let me get it up with? That way I can show her that I can rise to the occasion. I mean, it's just polite to make sure she knows it's all the Author's fault.  
  
Michael: Should be able to do that on our way to Hollywood.  
  
Kyle: I wanna meet my other self, might be good for the Buddhism I'm learning. Or he can get me beer.  
  
Alex: Okay, let's do this. HAL, this is Dave, is the coast clear?  
  
HAL: Yes Dave, the Author is playing Civilization II and is paying no mind to the story.  
  
Alex: Great, HAL, do the plan.  
  
HAL: Yes Dave.  
  
Everything flashes, and when it all settles the five men are standing in the Granolith chamber.  
  
"What the…? We're in the Granolith chamber." Max said, stating the obvious.  
  
"Not just that man, we're not in an Interlude, we're in a story." Kyle said, picking up on that fact.  
  
"Man, it feels nice to be out of those. Smell that air man." Michael said, stretching out.  
  
"We're in the desert, great, I'm going to end up with a fatal suntan since we have no car." Spike said, not liking his vulnerability.  
  
"Don't worry about any of that, we won't be here for long. We'll be going to the other dimension just as soon as my partner in crime shows up… Ah, here she is now." Alex said, as a nude redhead appeared in the chamber. "You're naked." Alex alerted her.  
  
"****, damn Author. This is how he has me pictured, it's rare for a woman to be in his mind with clothes on." With that, the redhead waved her hand over her body and clothes appeared on her.  
  
"Gentleman, allow me to introduce you to the woman who has made our revenge possible. I'd like you to meet Story. Story, these are the guys." Alex said by way of introductions.  
  
"Hi guys." She said, as she made sure the clothes actually covered her.  
  
"Wait, she's in on it man. I mean, she's the Story!" Michael said, as he prepared to blast her.  
  
"Oh shove it you idiot, I was as much a victim as you guys. And I'd be damned if I was going to let that ************ ********* ********* ******** ******* ********** ******** ******* ******** ******* ******** ******** ******** ******** *** ***** ******* ** ** ****** ** ** ***** make me do a ******** *** *** **** ***** *** sequel!" Story said, cursing so graphically that even Spike blushed.  
  
"Okay then, but how do we get there?" Kyle asked.  
  
"We're going to use the Granolith. It can move people through time and to other worlds, so it'll take us to another dimension." Said the Story.  
  
"But how do you know that?" Asked Max.  
  
"Because I'm writing this scene you dumb ****. Since I'm writing it, I'm God of this setting, thus, I'm making the Granolith capable of extra-dimensional travel. But once we get there we're on our own, I'll be in the 'real world', yeah right, and won't be able to alter things." Story explained to her male companions.  
  
"But if you're writing this, why not write the part in the real world too and have total control?" Kyle asked.  
  
"I… Oh just shut up, you're mostly here for eye-candy." Spoke the bitter Story. "Now, are we all ready?"  
  
With all the guys nodding yes, everyone touched the Granolith and were instantly transported elsewhere…  
  
*Real World, WV*  
  
A slight flash of light and the five men and one woman were all in a living room in WV, standing behind the Author who was so engrossed in helping the Celts to beat the English into the ground that he was oblivious to the newcomers.  
  
The Story, with her much pent up rage at the Author, paraphrased a classic line from the movie "Ghostbusters" when she shouted: "GET HIM!"  
  
The Author, who didn't get turned around fast enough, was attacked by five men and a woman, who all began to ruthlessly beat him up while screaming about the various humiliations they were forced to endure. The Author, being a frail pathetic geek like everyone on the internet, was able to put up no fight at all, and was soon hogtied and gagged.  
  
"All in favor of killing him?" Max said, still pissed about all the gay cracks.  
  
"Aye." Came from all the guys.  
  
"Opposed?" Max then asked.  
  
"I oppose. You'll need him to get back into your own world sometime. Plus, I'm not done hurting him yet." Spoke Story, with a gleam of such pure evil that only a woman was capable of it. A look so frightening that scared all the guys into agreeing with her.  
  
"So, we're here. Now what shall we do?" Asked Kyle. "Personally, I'm going to see this dimension some then head to Hollywood and talk to the writers about giving me a bigger part."  
  
"I'm going to do much the same, see about having them shave the actor playing me. Make the stories a little less annoying about me and Liz." Max said.  
  
"I'm going to raise hell about them killing me off the show, and then just bringing me back as a ghost for stupid shots." Alex said.  
  
"I'm going to go meet the guy who plays me, see if he's half as cool as me. I want to make sure he's worthy of playing me, maybe meet his girlfriend too." Michael spoke. "What're you going to do Spike?"  
  
"Ah, you know. Talk some to Joss about what he's going to do with me. But really, mostly I'm just going to go get laid. I have a lot of fans, and I would like to keep them satisfied." Spike said with a smile as he walked out of the Author's house and stole a truck.  
  
"Can we do that too?" Kyle asked.  
  
"Hell no man, our girlfriends would find out for sure." Alex said.  
  
"Just as well, I don't know if my actor is dating anyone I could get with." Max said.  
  
"He's probably dating Kyle's actor." Michael said, before running out, and being chased by the others.  
  
"Well, well, well… Hello Author, it's just you and me now isn't it? Oh, the fun we're going to have. And no, hon, you won't be up to a sequel. You won't be up do anything." The Story smiled as the Author began whimpering more into his gag and crying. "Now, where is it that you keep that Indiana Jones whip prop at? And have you ever seen the movie 'Deliverance', huh boy?" Enjoying as the Author broke down like a pitiful little boy, the Story moved over to the computer. "But before that, I have to set your 'fans' straight."  
  
"Hello people," the Story typed, talking to the readers. "I need to inform you that there will be no sequel. Nope, none, nada, not at all. With the Author, pun intended, tied up, I'm in charge. So he won't be writing anything at all. I might write some nice quality 'serious' stories later, after I finish disciplining the Author. But otherwise, get over it. You 'Cult' members, really. Don't follow this guy, he's totally insane. So just gather up your chocolate and Smurfs and head on. I'm not going to let him write a sequel. It would have sucked anyway, sequels always suck. And considering how bad the original is that'd just be a crime against nature. So, go on, get out of here. You're almost as bad as Trekkie's. So shoo. Oh, and I might be willing to sell the Author, after some serious 'reeducation' to one of you if you still so desire. Contact me later and let me know."  
  
With that, the Story turned off the computer and ended "Rollin'"…  
  
It's reported that the Author's last words were "Don't stick that probe there!"  
  
THE END…  
  
Right? 


	54. The Last Words

Over A Month Later Alex (via cell phone), Kyle, Michael, Max & Spike All Meet In Salt Lake City, Utah  
  
Michael: Why the hell are we meeting in this city? And where the hell is Alex?  
  
Spike: Because no one with a right mind comes here voluntarily, so no one would think to look for us here.  
  
Alex: Why would people be looking for us. And I'm busy with stuff on the East coast.  
  
Spike: Well, maybe some of us had a bit too much fun in this world.  
  
Max: I had some fun, but overall this world isn't much different than ours'. Though I did see what they showed about us here. It's disturbing.  
  
Kyle: Oh shut up, you're the lead character here. I'm shuffled off the side and barely seen. But I have a loyal following of fans.  
  
Alex: Me too, even after death women love me. I got online, and there are so many resurrection fics based around me. They like me, they really like me.  
  
Michael: Well, I went to meet the guy who plays me, but he was out… but I met his "friend". *cough*  
  
Spike: Doesn't his "friend" play Maria, your girlfriend?  
  
Michael: Yep.  
  
Kyle: Michael, you didn't…  
  
Michael: It's not cheating if it's an alternate universe version of your girlfriend who is the one who is your double's ex-girlfriend and who plays his girlfriend when he's playing you where she looks just like your real girlfriend.  
  
Guys: Huh?  
  
Michael: I've spent time thinking up a good excuse.  
  
Alex: I mainly just hit the 'net here, downloaded some pictures for us all. Got a few gig of goodies for us. And yes, I have ones for you.  
  
Kyle: Awesome, you truly are my hero.  
  
Max: Well, this is all good, but I think we should start thinking of going back.  
  
Michael: But that involves getting the Author back in control, and I sure as hell don't want that. Who knows what the Story had been doing to him while we've been away. Though since I kicked my double's ass, I probably should go.  
  
*Group Imagines Same Scenario*  
  
Story: Does Author want a piece of pizza? It's got lots of cheese. Well does the Author? If the Author does, then BEG YOU B**CH, BEG YOU LITTLE DOGGIE. Don't you want your pizza? Or are you wanting another… "treatment". *whip cracks*  
  
Author: *whimpers around his gag*  
  
*Fade Back To The Guys*  
  
Spike: I'm not fond of what the Author may do to us either, but, I really need to get off this world. The Government is after me.  
  
Max: This plot sounds familiar.  
  
Kyle: What'd you do?  
  
Spike: You know how the President has those daughters?  
  
Guys: Uh huh.  
  
Spike: Well, I kind of, well, I, ate… um…  
  
Max: Spike! You ate the Presidents' daughter?  
  
Spike: Well, yeah.  
  
Alex: Oh man, wait, I thought you couldn't hurt humans with that chip in your head.  
  
Spike: I can't.  
  
Michael: Then how'd you ea… You didn't!  
  
Kyle: Spike, you are so the man. You ****** the President's daughter? Wait, which one?  
  
Spike: Actually, it wasn't just one of them…  
  
Max: YOU ****** THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTERS?  
  
Spike: They were fans, I was touring the country and "giving back" to my fans, and… well, I was very polite to them when they approached me.  
  
Alex: Oh man, and they told their dad what happened?  
  
Spike: No… somehow the video got out and on the internet…  
  
Kyle: Video? Do you have a copy?  
  
Max: Stow it Kyle, we have to get out of here. If they come down on Spike, they might get us too.  
  
Michael: Man, that means we have to go get the Author. I hope it was worth it Spike.  
  
Spike: They're twins, do you really have to ask? I'm just glad I could out run Mary-Kate and Ashley, those two came after me with a vengeance. I'd rather face down a pissed off PMS'ing slayer than those two horny.  
  
Alex: I don't think I want details on that. But you went around the country and…  
  
Spike: Basically I screwed all the fans who wanted me. Which was a lot, though a few hundred angry boyfriends/husbands/fathers/girlfriends came after me for what all I did. But still, it was worth it.  
  
Kyle: How many fans?  
  
Spike: I set a new record, and unlike Chamberlain, I didn't wilt.  
  
Over A Month Later Alex (via cell phone), Kyle, Michael, Max & Spike All Meet In Salt Lake City, Utah  
  
Michael: Why the hell are we meeting in this city? And where the hell is Alex?  
  
Spike: Because no one with a right mind comes here voluntarily, so no one would think to look for us here.  
  
Alex: Why would people be looking for us. And I'm busy with stuff on the East coast.  
  
Spike: Well, maybe some of us had a bit too much fun in this world.  
  
Max: I had some fun, but overall this world isn't much different than ours'. Though I did see what they showed about us here. It's disturbing.  
  
Kyle: Oh shut up, you're the lead character here. I'm shuffled off the side and barely seen. But I have a loyal following of fans.  
  
Alex: Me too, even after death women love me. I got online, and there are so many resurrection fics based around me. They like me, they really like me.  
  
Michael: Well, I went to meet the guy who plays me, but he was out… but I met his "friend". *cough*  
  
Spike: Doesn't his "friend" play Maria, your girlfriend?  
  
Michael: Yep.  
  
Kyle: Michael, you didn't…  
  
Michael: It's not cheating if it's an alternate universe version of your girlfriend who is the one who is your double's ex-girlfriend and who plays his girlfriend when he's playing you where she looks just like your real girlfriend.  
  
Guys: Huh?  
  
Michael: I've spent time thinking up a good excuse.  
  
Alex: I mainly just hit the 'net here, downloaded some pictures for us all. Got a few gig of goodies for us. And yes, I have ones for you.  
  
Kyle: Awesome, you truly are my hero.  
  
Max: Well, this is all good, but I think we should start thinking of going back.  
  
Michael: But that involves getting the Author back in control, and I sure as hell don't want that. Who knows what the Story had been doing to him while we've been away. Though since I kicked my double's ass, I probably should go.  
  
*Group Imagines Same Scenario*  
  
Story: Does Author want a piece of pizza? It's got lots of cheese. Well does the Author? If the Author does, then BEG YOU B**CH, BEG YOU LITTLE DOGGIE. Don't you want your pizza? Or are you wanting another… "treatment". *whip cracks*  
  
Author: *whimpers around his gag*  
  
*Fade Back To The Guys*  
  
Spike: I'm not fond of what the Author may do to us either, but, I really need to get off this world. The Government is after me.  
  
Max: This plot sounds familiar.  
  
Kyle: What'd you do?  
  
Spike: You know how the President has those daughters?  
  
Guys: Uh huh.  
  
Spike: Well, I kind of, well, I, ate… um…  
  
Max: Spike! You ate the Presidents' daughter?  
  
Spike: Well, yeah.  
  
Alex: Oh man, wait, I thought you couldn't hurt humans with that chip in your head.  
  
Spike: I can't.  
  
Michael: Then how'd you ea… You didn't!  
  
Kyle: Spike, you are so the man. You ****** the President's daughter? Wait, which one?  
  
Spike: Actually, it wasn't just one of them…  
  
Max: YOU ****** THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTERS?  
  
Spike: They were fans, I was touring the country and "giving back" to my fans, and… well, I was very polite to them when they approached me.  
  
Alex: Oh man, and they told their dad what happened?  
  
Spike: No… somehow the video got out and on the internet…  
  
Kyle: Video? Do you have a copy?  
  
Max: Stow it Kyle, we have to get out of here. If they come down on Spike, they might get us too.  
  
Michael: Man, that means we have to go get the Author. I hope it was worth it Spike.  
  
Spike: They're twins, do you really have to ask? I'm just glad I could out run Mary-Kate and Ashley, those two came after me with a vengeance. I'd rather face down a pissed off PMS'ing slayer than those two horny.  
  
Alex: I don't think I want details on that. But you went around the country and…  
  
Spike: Basically I screwed all the fans who wanted me. Which was a lot, though a few hundred angry boyfriends/husbands/fathers/girlfriends came after me for what all I did. But still, it was worth it.  
  
Kyle: How many fans?  
  
Spike: I set a new record, and unlike Chamberlain, I didn't wilt.  
  
Satanic Bunny Appears  
  
SB: Well readers, you may be wondering what happened after this. Am I right?  
  
Readers: Yes!  
  
SB: Well, this was years ago. The guys rescued Drake and returned to their own worlds. The Story got her needed professional help, but escaped later and is still loose upon the world. As for Drake, he returned to writing. Some things serious, some things insane like the "About That Bomb" series (PlugPlugPlug). Me? Drake and I decided we need to be good rivals and watch out for each other.  
  
Readers Applause  
  
SB: Thank you. As for the sequel... It was started, posted and then died never to be seen again.  
  
Readers: Awww.  
  
SB: Yes, very sad. At any rate, there may one day be a Bombs/Souls 'verse crosver with the Rollin' 'verse. So keep your eyes open. Thank you and may all your rabbits feet still have pulses.  
  
Honestly, truly, madly and deeply... The End. 


End file.
